Eating me alive

Ok so I really needed to get this shit out of my system -why is Julian the source of my insanity? That's because after all that I've sacrificed for him, which is the amount of personal space that I've given to him, the sanity that I've forgone for him, I can't help but to go back to the moment of our breaking point. When I compare those things I've done for him, and how horribly he treated me at that breaking point, it just makes me really angry and feel extremely used, mentally used up by him. It's like I have given so much to him, only to have him bash me up, chew me up and spit me out, when I couldn't keep it up. Then leaving me crying and suffering alone right after, because of those hurtful things he said to me, the manner of how he pushed me away, and ended everything between us at that particular night. So nowadays whenever he comes back to me, in a so called friendly light, I can't help but to go back to that horrible night. It gets even worse when he always goes on about how he's moving on with life, with how things are falling into place in his life, how his life is so much more sane - I can't help going back to that horrible night and feel even worse. It's like he's rubbing it in my face, and I keep feeling horrible because I can't help but to think that he doesn't deserve them after what he did to me on that horrible night. It's even worse because I think he's trying to make amends, but they seem insignificant compared to how badly he treated me that night. That's why I feel horrible. That conscience is eating me alive.

Reminder for Haters

Reminder for when someone talks down on you doing what you love: 'You're just jealous that you're too fucking lazy and stupid to not be able to do the cool things that I could do'. Haha I'm evil.

A Confession

I used to be extremely close with God. I had complete faith in him and talk to him every day about practically everything. It's not like that anymore now. I noticed, since things have gone so wrong, so many things, I could really feel myself drifting further and further away from Him. I've stopped praying. I only speak to him once in a while. I feel like a complete hipocrite. I don't feel like praying to Him anymore. It feels like I have lost faith in Him and the things He could help me with. And now I feel completely alone. This is the Syaitan's trap that I have let myself fall into? Trapped and feeling helpless. Lost faith in the one God. Feel so alone and keep losing and losing. Funny, it's like the moment I start losing, that's when things started going downhill and I drift further away from Him. I dont know. Maybe some people just need to be shown care and love then they could start healing? Instead of getting beaten down even more? I don't know.

Spread the Love

Here's a tip: when you see a beautiful girl, don't hate her because she's beautifu. Instead, be nice to her and you'll never know what secret beauty tips of hers that she'll share with you. So yeah, nobody's gonna benefit when you only spread the hate.

Reaching for the Stars

My dream and goal is to be so good, that they'll want me abroad. Watching videos of successful people and doing the seemingly impossible sparks that inspiration in me. <3 and more specifically, as a 3D sculpting artist, or a digital painter. The latter would be so amazing because that would mean that I have achieved the dream that I've had ever since I was a little kid.

Electronic Zombie Updates

Been a long time since I actually wrote in here. So many things have happened, so many cool new things bought. For starters, I'm currently using my brand new iPhone to write this lonely blog post. Yes, I finally got an iPhone, haha! It's a 16GB iPhone 4. Got it at a much cheaper price from my babe's older sister. And yes, we are still together, although things do get rocky between us. We're still sticking together due to the happiness that we share throughout the hardships that we've been facing. The workstation in my room looks almost unrecognizable. So many new stuff I bought, with my money (I'm Proud to say). Its on it's way to looking like a full fledged design artist's work station, lol! I'm not there yet, not yet a highly paid artist working abroad, but I will make it come true soon enough. It's scary, thinking of all the things I have to go through first before I can fully make it. But God willing, I will! I'll be so happy that I finally got everything that I have ever wanted, and to be able to give back to my family, finally. Scary future. But hey, I have come back, with a written update on what my life has amounted to thus far. God willing I will write back with a much better update and pretty much everything on my life's checklist complete. Pray for me, pray for us all.

loneliness is a dangerous thing

My thread of sanity has been thinning lately. So I have been off the bender last night, the worst one yet so far. But I think I'm much better, getting out of it today. Plus, this great guy talked me out of it. So patient. But I think I'm gonna lay off of him for a while. Too much of me can't be good. I have a feeling that I may have driven him off with this extreme side of me.

It's a pretty tough mindset to get into, being all on my own, miss independent. I mean, I was like that once, but then I fell in love, and it slowly chipped away. Now I'm just trying to get back into that going solo mindset, seems like what's best for me. Most importantly, being happy with it. I was happy with it. Now I just need to get back to where I was. I tried to venture out, take a chance, but I got burned badly. I guess I'm just going back into what was foolproof and safe for me.

60 sleeping pills, it's crazy. Herbal pills, so it was basically like chomping down a whole load of vegetables. Didn't really give me that sleepiness that I was looking for, just made me slightly drowsy. Useless shit.

Sometimes, I wish with all my heart that someone could come along and save me. But I know that wish is futile. Because only I could save myself. Sad thing really, because I need to be strong to be able to do that. To save myself. Pray.

Okay, so what I have been thinking about this guy. He is obviously still in love with his ex, and is just using me to simulate those feelings that he had with her. So basically he's taking care of me so that he could always have an outlet to get those simulated feelings. As for me, I guess I was weaker and actually fell for him. As in, this whole shindig meant more to me than it does for him, because in his mind, well his mind is already somewhere else, a much better place that he has been to. So yeah, I guess that is one of the reasons, the many piled up reasons that made me extremely suicidal. And it just needed that one small thing to tip me off the edge. In my normal state of mind, I could be cool with this whole shitfest that I have with him. But when I look at it, REALLY look at the whole scenario, all bare truth, it's enough to drive me insane. Especially with other shit going on in my life. Just the fact that I actually got myself into such a situation, breaks my heart.

I'm so bored, nothing interesting to do, no motivation to do anything else. I'm afraid that if I sleep, I'll only give myself a headache and an extremely shitty 'rest of the day'. Like what happened yesterday, which eventually drove me to go out, far away from home. Only to get a bottle of sleeping pills and finishing it all up when I got home. Trying so hard to sleep with that horrible headache that I got from walking in the rain. And that's all because of a bunch of people who cancelled their plans with me.. One cancellation after another. Last minute cancellations which left me with nothing interesting to do. I guess I am a free spirit who needs to go out and see the world, otherwise I would kill myself if forced to be caged in.

I always HATED it when people cancel on me. Hate it even more when it's done last minute. One time too many, it'll drive me crazy. Makes me start thinking about what is wrong with me.

Hey, a random idea just hit me, what if I went to KLCC, just for kicks. LOL. Get all pretty and dressed up, check out the stuff on sale. Basically scouting out the grounds. Going there alone, of course. Must not invite anyone else along, or they'll only break my heart by cancelling on me at the very last minute and leave me hanging out to dry. Sometimes I do wonder if these dickheads do it to me on purpose. But then, I must not blow things out of proportion. And it's their loss that they wanna be a sourpuss. For all I know, I could be the one who's doing something wrong. But what is it? One question I've always wondered. K then I must get going before the darn rain starts falling heavily.

Cheers to being miss independent and being happy flying solo!

I love me. Love thyself.