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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Communication

I gave up some things to make you happy. I am ok with that. But if you're not happy when making me happy.. Then it will always only be you who are happy while I am unhappy.

How to make me happy? Just having a close bond with me. What is a close bond? Talking to each other about anything, sharing. But I don't feel that you enjoy that with me. You are happy when I buy you stuff or pay something for you, and when I don't talk to other guys. You are happy when I clean up after you. But you never talk to me much. Talking just for fun? Never. I only wanted a best friend to talk to and share with. You would rather talk to other people. Its ok if you want to talk to others because you enjoy it. But you don't even enjoy talking to me. So be it.

Let me be. All alone.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Update

I gave him the knife to stab my heart with. Because he will never wake up and change for me nor for the better future.

The change that I ask from him is very simple. Communication. Communication to breathe life into our dying bond. He still thinks that communicating with me means that I am controlling him. So be it. Boy, drive that knife into my heart.

Why Did I Ever

I did nothing wrong.

I helped him in many ways when he was down. I don't go around looking for guys. I listened to most of the things that he told me. All I did "wrong" was when I got mad when he mistreats me. All I asked for were things that every girl asks for - his time, communication and loyalty. Even if he did deliver, it didn't feel sincere, like there would be strings attached. Like he was forced to and he only did it in return for something. He ogles other girls. He says I'm lazy, or stupid. And he silences me or denies it when I speak up about these things. When I try to confront him, he doesn't remember anything. Thus repeating his cycle.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

A Long Note After A Long Silence

I had to go through hell, almost literally, just to forget everything that I had with my ex from a few years back.

I am afraid of what will happen with this current one. I don't want to put myself through hell again just so I can forget him. I wish those numerous times that he mistreated me and silenced me, could be healed instead.

That's what I've been trying to do, to steer us both towards the path of healing. I made us remove the financial expectations between us, so that we can focus on the emotional and bonding part.

But instead, he makes it very difficult for us to reconnect. He reduced his communication with me and increased his distance. And every chance he gets, he puts blame on me and doesn't give me a chance to speak.

How did I get myself into this situation? Because I took a chance on him. To let him prove that he is a decent human being. I tried to teach him how to be classy and gentlemanly by the way he treats women. Because honestly, his current way is very sleazy. I don't want the people in my life to be cheap and sleazy, because I am not. He said that's what he liked about me, so I tried to show him my ways since he liked it. But it's starting to feel like he only wants me to be that way, but not himself.

Numerous times he pointed out what I was lacking and I listened, fixed it. There were times that I didn't listen for the small, petty things though. However, he never wants to admit his errors. How can it always be just one sided? Unless he is doing all of this on purpose. But I cannot believe that he would be so horrible and manipulative like that. Especially not after I shared part of my life with him.

Sharing your life with someone means a lot, or has that lost its value and meaning? He cannot be so evil and untrustworthy, could he? What is life without meaning and a guided sense of right and wrong?

Does he feel justified to engage in all these horrible acts because of the losses in his life? I tried to show him a way where he doesn't have to make these terrible choices, that he still has a chance at a good life. But he doesn't like it. He says that I'm too controlling. I accommodated my life to his, so he doesn't have to make any terrible choices. I tried to show him a better way, but he still wants to choose the cheap and sleazy way.

Many times he changed his mind about the way things were run in his life. And I accommodated mine to his, so that we will both be stable. It is not easy but I did it, just for him. Just so he can plan out his life because I know he never had it easy.

But the minute I start wanting something from him, (most of the time it's communication), he starts saying that I'm suffocating and he needs space. Is communication too much to ask for? Even then, because I did not want us to argue, I just let him have his space. The wait was and is unbearable. The only time he contacted me was when something needed to be done. I felt deeply betrayed because of that. I trusted him with space and he used it to create an even bigger gap between us.

If I didn't take a chance on him, I would have kicked his lousy ass the minute he starts ogling at other girls, the minute he asks me for financial help, the minute I suspect a relationship between him and someone else, or the minute I feel that he is just lazing about while I am the one who works my ass off. I wouldn't care at all. I would never have allowed him to meet my parents.

But I took a chance on him because I saw that he never had it easy in life. I also trusted him with a part of my heart. I put my savings efforts for my future on hold for him. So that we can work towards it together. I thought that by taking this chance, it would pay off. That my belief in him as a person would be true, that he is in fact a good person. Not a manipulative cheater.

I already confronted him about some issues. But I don't know if he will ever comprehend it. If the message will ever get through to him. I honestly hope to God that he will. I confronted him because I have been silenced for too long, and I only hope to bring our healing to the next level. It's like taking a horrible tasting medicine, but one that will definitely make u get better. Because I know the confrontations aren't pretty, but felt necessary. I hope the messages will get through to his head.

I am still waiting for him to admit it or deny it, because it is still hard for me to believe that he is such an evil person. Or maybe I will be waiting for the rest of my life. Because maybe he will choose to just run away like a cowardly little boy.

At the moment, I really am not interested in pursuing anyone else, new or old. I took too many chances on this one person. I am afraid of getting deeply hurt again, in many aspects of my life. I will just be patient and see what happens. Waiting until the end of time perhaps.

I hope that all of these written things will hit him smack in the face, in the form of realization. Actions have consequences. Deep trust and honest people do exist, and if he found someone like that, it is not his right to manipulate that person to his advantage. No matter how justified he feels, it will still affect the other person, maybe even deeper than he imagined. I love him as a person, so much, maybe too much. But I hate his wrongdoings.

I hope this reality will hit all those people who think that those who get used and manipulated are stupid and deserve it. I talked to some people who have this mindset and it disgusts me. Nothing good will ever come out of it for these kinds of people.

We will see who will be in deep grief when the Final Hour arrives.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Unstoppable Bleeding

I have no more tears left to cry. But my heart is still bleeding every moment, every day.

I am all for fixing something if it is broken instead of throwing it away. He just threw me away.

I always accommodate him when he wants to make some big changes in life. All I ever asked from him is for his attention, a best friend confidante, but that is too much to ask of him.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Providence. Where and When You Least Expect It

It was time to go home from work and the skies weren't looking too good. I travel by public transport and need to get to the atm for my taxi fare. So rain isn't good if I had to walk to the place. But there wouldn't be enough time to catch up with the current prayer if I waited until I got back home. So I just did my prayers even though thunder was starting up all around. When I finished, rain was beginning to pour and I had to race against the rain before it starts pouring to the taxi stand (5-10 mins walk). Just when I was starting out in the rain, a colleague called out to me and offered me a ride all the way to my home. Talk about perfect timing! Even if I sought a taxi by then, there's no guarantee that any driver will want to take me due to the heavy traffic jam headed towards my area. See? Providence. Just keep up your prayers, and He will provide for you in ways that you don't even imagine.

I'm just writing down this memory so I can reread it when I feel my willpower running low.