Wonder what would it be like, to od on pills, or a knife in my hand, blood seeping from a deep cut, dripping onto the floor.. With Blue Moon playing in the background. Such a sad song, yet beautiful.
Anyway, I know better than to depend on anyone else. I know better than to expect any more from anyone. Especially not the people that I regard as being 'close' to me. When I really look at it, I don't really have anyone close to me. Because those with whom I thought I was close with, they never were with me. Words that were once uttered, don't hold any meaning. Only presence fading away, they were all that ever struck me. Sometimes I wonder, why am I so sad.
Showing posts with label present post. Show all posts
Showing posts with label present post. Show all posts
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Just Finding My Way Back Home
Author: Neha
Comment:
If meditation is done properly, it can do wonders on your soul, body as well as on mind. You can control your thoughts with the aid of mediation. Your mind will feel relaxed and once you get to know how to do this properly, your body would become addictive to this magical relaxation technique.
Which is why I started meditating in the first place. I should do it more often. I really need to get rid of unnecessary thoughts in my head. Too much clutter. Sigh :( I need to clear my thoughts, my conscience, make room for good judgment. I don't want to make rash decisions, come to unfair conclusions. I just need a clear mind, to get ahead in my life. I don't want to be a lost soul, forever wandering, searching for truth and happiness.
Comment:
If meditation is done properly, it can do wonders on your soul, body as well as on mind. You can control your thoughts with the aid of mediation. Your mind will feel relaxed and once you get to know how to do this properly, your body would become addictive to this magical relaxation technique.
Which is why I started meditating in the first place. I should do it more often. I really need to get rid of unnecessary thoughts in my head. Too much clutter. Sigh :( I need to clear my thoughts, my conscience, make room for good judgment. I don't want to make rash decisions, come to unfair conclusions. I just need a clear mind, to get ahead in my life. I don't want to be a lost soul, forever wandering, searching for truth and happiness.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Overly... something
So you're wondering whether I'm missing you or not? My answer is, as long as I'm breathing, I shall always be missing you. With every breath that I take, I am missing you. So try to remember that. That is how much and how often I miss you.
Cheyyyy.
Hahaha.
Well, who knows? It might be true. I'm just too shy to admit it. LOL.
Cheyyyy.
Hahaha.
Well, who knows? It might be true. I'm just too shy to admit it. LOL.
Moving on... where?
How is it that, a certain location could make me feel so depressed... I just got back from that place, and I have to say, that every time I go there, it just makes me feel depressed. The surroundings. Just one of those places where if I get stuck there, I'm gonna feel like committing suicide eventually. Please God, save me from those kinds of places. I have suffered so much, it would be cruel to end up in a place like that :( Save me... Please put me someplace I can be happy, and make them proud of me :(
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Afflictions, retributions, confessions, realizations, and resolutions.
It feels nice to have someone to talk to, even if just for a while. For the short time that the person is there for me, I have done the best that I could with our time together. Because I know people have their own lives to attend to, so I always try to make the best out of what we have together. Make the best of the time that we spend together, because I know that it won't last. Not as much as I want it to, sadly. But yeah, sometimes it just takes a person to make me feel alive again. Alive in a positive manner. Not alive, as in that adrenaline rush when doing something reckless. Sometimes I feel that I'm over with my reckless days. I must stop doing that to myself, and live in a healthier lifestyle.. for my mind, body, soul and heart. I have learned my lessons, the hard way unfortunately. I have always told myself this, to live a cleaner life. I have strayed for a bit, even after my resolution to not do those things ever again, and I received my retributions for that. I must have this embedded into myself, because I do not want to repeat this hurt, this pain, all over again. I love the people in my life. I have never let them go, even if we have become distant over the years. If any of them ever came back to me, I always welcome them with open arms, whatever it is that I could do within my capabilities. But yeah, I hope they know that I still love all of them.
Sometimes, I just wish this pain would end. And that love and laughter will come and take over my life once again. It used to be filled with that, but these past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it's my period, or a combination of that and circumstances in my daily life (work, classes, etc). But I can't wait for my life to be filled with love and laughter once again. The accumulated emotions from these past few days really felt like they have taken their toll on me. I feel so flipping exhausted, and I just wanna go home. Where are the arms wide open that will take me into them? I feel like I have so much love to offer, but I feel like something has always been holding me back, or making me push away the people that I deeply care about/love. I just want to be home, once again. I must not let whatever that dark thing is, cast me away into the depths of misery. Save myself, save my loved ones. It may sound so cheesy, the things that I'm writing, but it's what I really feel deep down. I feel so bad whenever the people that I care about get affected. I pray for another chance, to make things right once again. To heal. I have always thought of this to myself, 'Why hurt when you can heal?'. Good night, world. I'm just so freaking exhausted, worn out. Probably will take a short nap before continuing my work. I have always been telling myself this: Love thyself and love others. Just remember that, and put it into action. Cheesy, but, love is ultimately a simple word, but a concept all the same, that will save us all. Love will save us. Think about that deeply. You'll see.
Sometimes, I just wish this pain would end. And that love and laughter will come and take over my life once again. It used to be filled with that, but these past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it's my period, or a combination of that and circumstances in my daily life (work, classes, etc). But I can't wait for my life to be filled with love and laughter once again. The accumulated emotions from these past few days really felt like they have taken their toll on me. I feel so flipping exhausted, and I just wanna go home. Where are the arms wide open that will take me into them? I feel like I have so much love to offer, but I feel like something has always been holding me back, or making me push away the people that I deeply care about/love. I just want to be home, once again. I must not let whatever that dark thing is, cast me away into the depths of misery. Save myself, save my loved ones. It may sound so cheesy, the things that I'm writing, but it's what I really feel deep down. I feel so bad whenever the people that I care about get affected. I pray for another chance, to make things right once again. To heal. I have always thought of this to myself, 'Why hurt when you can heal?'. Good night, world. I'm just so freaking exhausted, worn out. Probably will take a short nap before continuing my work. I have always been telling myself this: Love thyself and love others. Just remember that, and put it into action. Cheesy, but, love is ultimately a simple word, but a concept all the same, that will save us all. Love will save us. Think about that deeply. You'll see.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Realization and Peace of Mind
Sometimes, I wonder, when I'm totally living in the adult world, maybe 10 years or so from now, I wonder if I would be the woman who comes home to an empty house, living alone, and wonder if I would be ocd-ing in the middle of the night? All alone.. The thought scares me. Will I come home to my house, all alone, and sleepless nights ocd-ing, probably to fill the emptiness, to distract me from my thoughts. The thought of going to my own house, all alone, it fucking scares me. A friend told me all about his sister, who's something like that, and when I really think of the possibility, it really scares me. I don't know, I guess I'm just really scared to be all alone, actually. I've always thought I was more of a lone wolf, kind of person. Like a miss independent. Now that I've really thought about the realities of actually being alone, I'm actually really scared. So I guess deep down, I just need someone in my life. I've just been kidding myself with all that 'tough' talk. I guess that is why I keep falling for someone, even though I constantly tried to talk myself out of needing and finding someone. So fact is, I shouldn't be trying so hard to force this out of myself. Probably just take things as they come along, try not to force things into or out of my life. Go with the flow, and loving everything as it is and everyone as they are. Man, what have I been doing all these years? At least, I have realized this now, better now than never. So yeah, I'm just praying that everything will work out for the best. I shall love the people that I have been loving, but just don't force anything. Let the sequence of events work themselves out. They always do, when they're not forced.
Oh, cool. I was watching Friends, and now I have a cool idea for a black light in the room. That would be groovy, and a lava lamp too. Lol. I've always wanted a lava lamp. And now, with an addition of the black light. Man, I just feel happy thinking about how I would want to decorate my own place in the future.
Oh God, one moment I was just so sad, scared, confused, angry, all those negative thoughts. And now, I've managed to talk myself into being happy again. I'm afraid of these constant mood shifts. Extreme mood shifts. I'm scared that this scares off the guys that I'm going out with. I feel sorry that they have to put up with this, if they're with me. I feel so sorry for him. But yeah, I still do love him, after all that intense outburst. I mean, it's so out of proportion. And I feel so bad that any guy I'm with has to put up with this. But I really do hope that underneath it all, he realizes I still mean those three words. No matter what. I don't use those words freely. I only say it because I mean it. Three 'sacred' words that I only use when deemed appropriate, only to those worthy to be bestowed with the honor (lol). Anyways, nobody should ever take me seriously when I'm raving mad. Even I don't take myself seriously, but I just needed to let it out, somehow. Sigh. At least, I don't think I've had these crazy outbursts in front of anyone.
One of these days, I'm gonna make trifle. MMM mmm. It looks good, and it should taste good. Sweet. And I'd really love to share that with someone. Deep down, I just love sharing the things I love in life.
Man, I really hope I didn't screw things up between us. Sigh. At least I've calmed down now. But at least I know, if he runs away after all this, I'll know that he's not right. Ah well, at least I've realized a lot tonight. And it has given me a peace of mind. Something that I've always needed.
Ps. I really need to control my extreme mood swings. I can't let it just happen, every time it comes. If I really do love the people that I say I do, I must try to control it more. I mean, come on, I don't wanna hurt them, or put the strain on them.. all because of me. I have let this destroy what I used to have in the past, and it pains me to keep letting it get to me. It hurts that I've hurt them. I need to learn to be more in control of this. I still have a long way to go. But yeah, I'm doing it for all the people that I care.
Oh, cool. I was watching Friends, and now I have a cool idea for a black light in the room. That would be groovy, and a lava lamp too. Lol. I've always wanted a lava lamp. And now, with an addition of the black light. Man, I just feel happy thinking about how I would want to decorate my own place in the future.
Oh God, one moment I was just so sad, scared, confused, angry, all those negative thoughts. And now, I've managed to talk myself into being happy again. I'm afraid of these constant mood shifts. Extreme mood shifts. I'm scared that this scares off the guys that I'm going out with. I feel sorry that they have to put up with this, if they're with me. I feel so sorry for him. But yeah, I still do love him, after all that intense outburst. I mean, it's so out of proportion. And I feel so bad that any guy I'm with has to put up with this. But I really do hope that underneath it all, he realizes I still mean those three words. No matter what. I don't use those words freely. I only say it because I mean it. Three 'sacred' words that I only use when deemed appropriate, only to those worthy to be bestowed with the honor (lol). Anyways, nobody should ever take me seriously when I'm raving mad. Even I don't take myself seriously, but I just needed to let it out, somehow. Sigh. At least, I don't think I've had these crazy outbursts in front of anyone.
One of these days, I'm gonna make trifle. MMM mmm. It looks good, and it should taste good. Sweet. And I'd really love to share that with someone. Deep down, I just love sharing the things I love in life.
Man, I really hope I didn't screw things up between us. Sigh. At least I've calmed down now. But at least I know, if he runs away after all this, I'll know that he's not right. Ah well, at least I've realized a lot tonight. And it has given me a peace of mind. Something that I've always needed.
Ps. I really need to control my extreme mood swings. I can't let it just happen, every time it comes. If I really do love the people that I say I do, I must try to control it more. I mean, come on, I don't wanna hurt them, or put the strain on them.. all because of me. I have let this destroy what I used to have in the past, and it pains me to keep letting it get to me. It hurts that I've hurt them. I need to learn to be more in control of this. I still have a long way to go. But yeah, I'm doing it for all the people that I care.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm not in this world alone
I love my darlings - my friends, co-workers, my love interest.. I love them all. I love the feeling that they're there, for me, at my darkest hour. And that darkest hour is not exactly caused by something that's just in my head, but something really terrible that happened. And there they are, chatting me up, talking about that horrible thing that happened to me. It's just so comforting, and to have them by my side when I really felt alone and confused.. and I know why I feel alone a lot, it's because I keep things to myself. But when I do come clean with what's bothering me, they came to my aid, they comforted me, even with just mere words. But mere words mean a lot to me, and their presence there, when I needed company the most.. to save myself from doing something really drastic. I love my darlings. Thanks God, for showing me once again that I'm not totally alone in this world. I just needed to not keep my issues to myself. I realize that. Let it out, let them help me, and do myself and everyone a favor, and move on, past the problem. I love my life. I love the people in my life. Thanks again, God. My heart feels so calm and contented.. a feeling that I have been missing for quite some time. I love my darlings. And there's also another thing I wanted to talk about...
So I was going through that really terrible ordeal, I basically felt like as if my life was coming to an end, and not by my means. It was caused by an evil individual. I literally felt the people that I care a lot about, the people that I love, I felt them flashing before my eyes.. kind of like how your life flashes before you, when you're about to die. So yeah, he was one of them, and I guess my feelings were just so strong, you know, that feeling of I was about to die, and calling out to the people that matter a lot to me. And then, he contacted me. It was so comforting, that he came at the right time, like as if he knew how I was feeling at that moment. And there are other people too, who suddenly talked to me, after a long silence. Friends. They suddenly contacted me again, but after he came to me first. I felt like, they came to my call for help. He was the first, and the rest came. I love them all. My darlings. Thank you so much for comforting me, even if it's all my silly fault for getting easily worked up. But thanks, I love them all. Love is such a wonderful feeling. It's a wonderful emotion to spread around. I want to live in that world, filled with love. Forever. It's a feeling I want to keep forever. Love.
So I was going through that really terrible ordeal, I basically felt like as if my life was coming to an end, and not by my means. It was caused by an evil individual. I literally felt the people that I care a lot about, the people that I love, I felt them flashing before my eyes.. kind of like how your life flashes before you, when you're about to die. So yeah, he was one of them, and I guess my feelings were just so strong, you know, that feeling of I was about to die, and calling out to the people that matter a lot to me. And then, he contacted me. It was so comforting, that he came at the right time, like as if he knew how I was feeling at that moment. And there are other people too, who suddenly talked to me, after a long silence. Friends. They suddenly contacted me again, but after he came to me first. I felt like, they came to my call for help. He was the first, and the rest came. I love them all. My darlings. Thank you so much for comforting me, even if it's all my silly fault for getting easily worked up. But thanks, I love them all. Love is such a wonderful feeling. It's a wonderful emotion to spread around. I want to live in that world, filled with love. Forever. It's a feeling I want to keep forever. Love.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
losing interest
this depression makes me lose interest in socializing. if i weren't so depressed, i would totally be this bubbly and outgoing girl. i miss that side of me. how much longer is this gonna last???? sigh. well, that side of me does come out once in a while, especially when the depression's gone.. but it's only fleeting. i wish that the depression will be gone forever. this depression is making me even more depressed. God, help me. :(
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Cazza toro merda
although i hate it every time it happens.. in a weird, sick, twisted way, i revel in the confusion, depression, and that lost feeling. i guess i'm just too accustomed to that cazza toro merda. i know it's my fault, falling to the human condition, but... God, save me. :(
Monday, July 18, 2011
Fighting till the end, eh?
My friends will know who to inform, if I end up killing myself.
Kill yourself? What, and leave your family in this pickle?
No, I'm still fighting, to get them out of it. Or at least, do my part, so there's no more extra pickle for them to deal with. When my unfinished business is finally... finished, then I shall peacefully go. Leave them behind, but with my best wishes at heart. I shall do all I can for them before I go. It has always been in the back of my mind. I do care for them, but I doubt that I want to stay any longer in this world. I'm not sure, but I think I'm looking forward to finally say my goodbyes before I let myself go.
Kill yourself? What, and leave your family in this pickle?
No, I'm still fighting, to get them out of it. Or at least, do my part, so there's no more extra pickle for them to deal with. When my unfinished business is finally... finished, then I shall peacefully go. Leave them behind, but with my best wishes at heart. I shall do all I can for them before I go. It has always been in the back of my mind. I do care for them, but I doubt that I want to stay any longer in this world. I'm not sure, but I think I'm looking forward to finally say my goodbyes before I let myself go.
A reckless disregard
What do you expect? I come from a line of blood thirsty ancestry. Head hunters, for ...'s sake. Lol! Although I may not be that crazy, but I love talking crazy.. just to see people's freaked out reactions. If they're gonna run off, too bad. Just shows the kind of people that I'd like to be around with. Basically I'm just testing the waters to see how much they could take. Because there would be times when I'll get tired of fucking playing it safe, so you'll have to be able to roll with me. I'm not too worried though, I do have friends whom I have identified to be able to roll with the punches. Birds of a feather. Awesome. But yeah, don't have to put up with the craziness all the time. It is only occasionally that I feel like really ripping it off. I'm not that bad of a nutcase.. or so I claim >:) . Sometimes I just feel so frustrated, I just let it all out. A reckless disregard of my sanity, safety, etc. And then, I'll be like, who the fuck was that? Was that fucker really me? And then I'm back to my normal, mellow self. Ha, yeah right. Am I really that mellow? I dunno. But once I stop seeing red, I go back to my normal self. Wondering, how did all that happen. Kind of funny, kind of a relief to let it all out. But yeah, I know what I'm getting myself into. Braced myself for the consequences. It leaves me fucking tired, man. But feels so great after. Fucking tired and fucking awesome.
And he said he was scared of hurting me. I think, he should be scared of what I could do. Lol. But yeah, I'm horrible like that. It's just that moment of temporary insanity, where I just grab the bull by the horns and come what may. I know its unhealthy, but.... I dunno. Just can't chain me down to subservience/conformity. I don't really care that much for myself. I know, I know, what a fucked up, negative thinking. I really should learn to settle down. Phew. Exhaustion. Danger. I need to feel fucking alive again.
And he said he was scared of hurting me. I think, he should be scared of what I could do. Lol. But yeah, I'm horrible like that. It's just that moment of temporary insanity, where I just grab the bull by the horns and come what may. I know its unhealthy, but.... I dunno. Just can't chain me down to subservience/conformity. I don't really care that much for myself. I know, I know, what a fucked up, negative thinking. I really should learn to settle down. Phew. Exhaustion. Danger. I need to feel fucking alive again.
Friday, July 15, 2011
breaking down?
Death...
please God, kill me. Sometimes I wish for that sweet, sweet death. Just to be over with all of that's going on on Earth. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.. and this darkness that befalls upon my soul, makes death look like a sweet parting from my mortal existence.
Comfort...
Giving out words of comfort to my friends, feels good, it lifts some weight off my heart.. even though I don't seem to get any comfort of my own. But in a way, it is comforting to do so for others. I just feel so down at the moment. It's like, all this while, I have been persevering through all the setbacks, disappointments.. only to have it crashing down on me at this one moment, and I feel so broken down. :( I wonder, when will I ever get to see the bright side of life again? I just feel so stretched, far apart, from all that has been going on. It has been a while since I really felt like this, horrible breaking down. So bad, that I seek to comfort my friends with theirr problems, just to inhibit some sense of calm into myself. I just feel so sad after all that has been happening so far. I wish, with all my heart, that it would come to an end. Please end this pain and torturing. It has been terrible over here, and I could only wish for my savior. Please God, save me... :(
It's bad enough that I kept my dad worrying, I have been trying my hardest to get out of this mess.. Just so that he has one problem less to worry about. Please help me.. Broken down from all that has been happening, the bad things that have been happening.. Please save me God. My heart feels raw, from constant hardships, from the love that I feel towards the people in my life. It's just raw from the negative and positive emotions. Positive emotions that arise from trying to remain optimistic, despite all the negatives that has been happening in my life. It has just left me raw. Please, let there be light in my life, once more. Just, breaking down.. now. Save me.
Shinedown - Save Me
please God, kill me. Sometimes I wish for that sweet, sweet death. Just to be over with all of that's going on on Earth. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore.. and this darkness that befalls upon my soul, makes death look like a sweet parting from my mortal existence.
Comfort...
Giving out words of comfort to my friends, feels good, it lifts some weight off my heart.. even though I don't seem to get any comfort of my own. But in a way, it is comforting to do so for others. I just feel so down at the moment. It's like, all this while, I have been persevering through all the setbacks, disappointments.. only to have it crashing down on me at this one moment, and I feel so broken down. :( I wonder, when will I ever get to see the bright side of life again? I just feel so stretched, far apart, from all that has been going on. It has been a while since I really felt like this, horrible breaking down. So bad, that I seek to comfort my friends with theirr problems, just to inhibit some sense of calm into myself. I just feel so sad after all that has been happening so far. I wish, with all my heart, that it would come to an end. Please end this pain and torturing. It has been terrible over here, and I could only wish for my savior. Please God, save me... :(
It's bad enough that I kept my dad worrying, I have been trying my hardest to get out of this mess.. Just so that he has one problem less to worry about. Please help me.. Broken down from all that has been happening, the bad things that have been happening.. Please save me God. My heart feels raw, from constant hardships, from the love that I feel towards the people in my life. It's just raw from the negative and positive emotions. Positive emotions that arise from trying to remain optimistic, despite all the negatives that has been happening in my life. It has just left me raw. Please, let there be light in my life, once more. Just, breaking down.. now. Save me.
Shinedown - Save Me
Thursday, July 14, 2011
blasted ranting. don't bother to read. you won't get it anyways
Sometimes I wish they would just talk about something else for a change. They, as in, parents, aunts and uncles.. and maybe some peers who are demented too. But I'm talking about my parents here, my dad to be precise. You know, it would be nice if the topic were something other than the usual: job, interview, etc. It's like there's nothing else to talk about. And what more, those are depressing subjects. I think, it's about time when I'll get influenced and do that to other people. Talk about the same shit over and over again. No other topic in mind. Like a robot. A flipping robot. And what's more, boring and depressing topics. Nobody would ever want to talk to me ever again, because that's all the shit that I ever talk about. Anyways, even if I do get a flipping job, the talk won't stray either, it'll be a different take on the same bleeping topic. I hate talking to my parents, to tell you the truth. Wish I could talk to them about some other thing. So yeah, I'm stuck up here. I think in the back of my mind, I feel like if I actually went to get my dinner, I would owe him big time. Oh and another confession, I actually shoplifted because of dad too. I dunno, some mental thing going on back then I think, and going on strike due to not wanting to take anymore of his money, because I asked too much to pay for my course fees. Yeah, I should have gotten a job. No, I should have gotten the loan. But back then when my course mates took a loan, and I asked him, should I take it too, since everyone else was, he said there was no need. And then, he started making it out like it's my fault that there's so much to pay for, when I already asked him earlier so that I could take the fucking loan. And yeah, so that lead to the hunger strike, the delinquency strike. Not that he knows of any of the shit I go through. I guess it's just my way of punishing myself for being stuck with such a family. Twisted reasoning? You bet. Haha. Whatever, I'm just speed ranting. There's a lot I put myself through, you know, when things get lousy at home. But it doesn't affect them in any way, just affects myself, A LOT. Not that I care. But I guess it's just my way of testing my boundaries, my limits. Punishing myself for being in whatever bleeping situation that I was in.
You know, they didn't have to make it harder than it is. Like as if I'm not doing any shit to get a fucking job, or whatever problem it is that they're currently picking at me. I dunno, I feel bad writing that down, just feels better to be fucking vague, not targeting specific people in my life. Anyways, yeah it's bad enough with them reminding me of my failures, talking to me like as if I'm on a holiday doing nothing to get a move on. Remember when I went through my internship? They were so happy about it, proud of me, I think. But that was one of the hellish experiences I had in life. There was this bunch of horrible people there, but I just went through that shit. I did it all because of Them. Not that they'd ever know of my sufferings, I doubt they'll care that much anyways. Probably would just tell me to suck it up, it's not our problem, that's life, etc etc. Yeah, they're not too good for moral support. Anyways, I'm used to shit, being alone. Not having moral support, etc etc. They do support me when it's all for making myself suffer though. It's like it makes them happier. Like when I'm selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and successes. I'm pretty sure they'll be happy about that. Eh, maybe I'm just exaggerating. Hahahahahahhaha. Maybe I should try the alternative of selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and success. Since life has been going down the shit lane currently anyways. Just to shut them up. There's one thing that I notice about my life is that, whenever I'm at my worst sufferings, they seem to be the happiest. They're all like, good for you, working hard, etc. I wish they could just be happy for me being happy, for once. One thing I noticed, all this negative attitude towards life, it stems from them, really. If I were left on my own, I would have been a thoroughly positive person. I was, when I wasn't anywhere near them for long periods of time. And she said I shouldn't blame them for my shortcomings. Ha. I did much better when I was on my own. Anyways, I'm kinda getting the vibe that my ranting's becoming more and more nonsensical, although there are grains of truth among all that nonsense. Oh yeah, hunger, it always reminds me of some issue issuing from Them. Hunger reminds me of Them. That is bad, isn't it? But of course, that is nobody's concern. that will forever be kept to myself. Nobody will know, because I know nobody will give a shit. But yeah, hunger will always remind me of college and dad, in a negative way. I'm just being brutally honest here. I think God must hate me, because he's punishing me by giving me a hard time in life, wherever I go, whatever I do. He must hate me because I hate (either of) my parents (even if on a subconscious level). Yep, I'm just a wretched mortal, doomed to an eternity of suffering... on Earth and in the afterlife. I'm just being fucking cynical here. And no, I'm not gonna be having my dinner at all, I'll let that greedy pig finish it all off. I have a strong feeling that the other He will definitely feel like I owe him for that, if I ever laid out a hand for a slice. Like I don't owe him so many other things after these accumulated years. But yeah, I've always had this rough idea laid out, that if I ever do get a job, I'll definitely pay him back for everything that has been spent on me. That's one of the debts I'll be getting out of. Next is the loan that I applied for. So those two are the hugest debts that I'll have to get myself out of. You think why would a daughter think that she owes her father all the things in life that she had? Because he told her so. And I intend to pay off my debts. And I think God is angry at me for thinking that. Which is why I'm having such a hard time for this. But how can I not think that, when I have been treated that way? Maybe I should, be a saint. It's odd that I feel like to handle all of this in a patient and positive manner, being the bigger 'man', that it would kill me. Maybe I really have a black, tainted soul, that the prospect of doing good, being the bigger person, would actually kill me. Haha. Sorry. I must be really evil on the inside for laughing about this.
Anyways, I have always been testing my limits, to withstand the shit in life. I purposedly put myself in danger, whether physical or mental, just to see how bad I would crash and burn. Secretly, I've always wished for myself to perish soon. But something keeps me from perishing. I guess it's a luxury I don't deserve, and that I'm being kept here longer, so that I would suffer some more. SO yeah, putting myself in danger. I don't really care for my well being. I just wanna test my limits. Gaze in wonder and sometimes in amusement, at the fucked up situations that I intentionally land myself into. I have a collection of bullshit and lessons that could be learnt, for other wisemen to learn from this fool. I don't mind sharing the things that I've learnt. I get friends that way. Haha. Who wouldn't want to talk to a loser who has been through so much shit. Anyways, yeah, crashing and burning every time. But never perishing. It ends up making me stronger, so that it's harder to perish the next time. .....
You know, they didn't have to make it harder than it is. Like as if I'm not doing any shit to get a fucking job, or whatever problem it is that they're currently picking at me. I dunno, I feel bad writing that down, just feels better to be fucking vague, not targeting specific people in my life. Anyways, yeah it's bad enough with them reminding me of my failures, talking to me like as if I'm on a holiday doing nothing to get a move on. Remember when I went through my internship? They were so happy about it, proud of me, I think. But that was one of the hellish experiences I had in life. There was this bunch of horrible people there, but I just went through that shit. I did it all because of Them. Not that they'd ever know of my sufferings, I doubt they'll care that much anyways. Probably would just tell me to suck it up, it's not our problem, that's life, etc etc. Yeah, they're not too good for moral support. Anyways, I'm used to shit, being alone. Not having moral support, etc etc. They do support me when it's all for making myself suffer though. It's like it makes them happier. Like when I'm selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and successes. I'm pretty sure they'll be happy about that. Eh, maybe I'm just exaggerating. Hahahahahahhaha. Maybe I should try the alternative of selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and success. Since life has been going down the shit lane currently anyways. Just to shut them up. There's one thing that I notice about my life is that, whenever I'm at my worst sufferings, they seem to be the happiest. They're all like, good for you, working hard, etc. I wish they could just be happy for me being happy, for once. One thing I noticed, all this negative attitude towards life, it stems from them, really. If I were left on my own, I would have been a thoroughly positive person. I was, when I wasn't anywhere near them for long periods of time. And she said I shouldn't blame them for my shortcomings. Ha. I did much better when I was on my own. Anyways, I'm kinda getting the vibe that my ranting's becoming more and more nonsensical, although there are grains of truth among all that nonsense. Oh yeah, hunger, it always reminds me of some issue issuing from Them. Hunger reminds me of Them. That is bad, isn't it? But of course, that is nobody's concern. that will forever be kept to myself. Nobody will know, because I know nobody will give a shit. But yeah, hunger will always remind me of college and dad, in a negative way. I'm just being brutally honest here. I think God must hate me, because he's punishing me by giving me a hard time in life, wherever I go, whatever I do. He must hate me because I hate (either of) my parents (even if on a subconscious level). Yep, I'm just a wretched mortal, doomed to an eternity of suffering... on Earth and in the afterlife. I'm just being fucking cynical here. And no, I'm not gonna be having my dinner at all, I'll let that greedy pig finish it all off. I have a strong feeling that the other He will definitely feel like I owe him for that, if I ever laid out a hand for a slice. Like I don't owe him so many other things after these accumulated years. But yeah, I've always had this rough idea laid out, that if I ever do get a job, I'll definitely pay him back for everything that has been spent on me. That's one of the debts I'll be getting out of. Next is the loan that I applied for. So those two are the hugest debts that I'll have to get myself out of. You think why would a daughter think that she owes her father all the things in life that she had? Because he told her so. And I intend to pay off my debts. And I think God is angry at me for thinking that. Which is why I'm having such a hard time for this. But how can I not think that, when I have been treated that way? Maybe I should, be a saint. It's odd that I feel like to handle all of this in a patient and positive manner, being the bigger 'man', that it would kill me. Maybe I really have a black, tainted soul, that the prospect of doing good, being the bigger person, would actually kill me. Haha. Sorry. I must be really evil on the inside for laughing about this.
Anyways, I have always been testing my limits, to withstand the shit in life. I purposedly put myself in danger, whether physical or mental, just to see how bad I would crash and burn. Secretly, I've always wished for myself to perish soon. But something keeps me from perishing. I guess it's a luxury I don't deserve, and that I'm being kept here longer, so that I would suffer some more. SO yeah, putting myself in danger. I don't really care for my well being. I just wanna test my limits. Gaze in wonder and sometimes in amusement, at the fucked up situations that I intentionally land myself into. I have a collection of bullshit and lessons that could be learnt, for other wisemen to learn from this fool. I don't mind sharing the things that I've learnt. I get friends that way. Haha. Who wouldn't want to talk to a loser who has been through so much shit. Anyways, yeah, crashing and burning every time. But never perishing. It ends up making me stronger, so that it's harder to perish the next time. .....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Buzzkill
Well if he's going to that event, I'll be avoiding it like the plague, if I can. He's just one of those people who make my hairs raise on end, with anger. That bad, huh. Yep. One of those people I absolutely cannot stand. We used to do work together, and he's so horrible. It seems like one of those things I can't get over with - I can't even pretend to be nice to him any longer. It's like, I require every ounce of fiber I have, just to be cordial to him. It's unfortunate that things have to be this way, but what with certain circumstances and people, it just seems to be inevitable. He was cool at first, but as time passes by, he just becomes so horrible. I just can't get over it. I don't think I should be in his presence, it just triggers the fury within me. Sure, many of my other friends will be at that event, I don't mind them at all. But if he's going, I don't think it's safe for either of us to risk bumping into each other. Not even spot each other from a distance. He's just one of those rare people in my life who instantly triggers every ounce of fury I have within me. Lol.
Sucks though, I wanted to go. But not that badly anyways. Ugh buzzkill. Maybe if we went somewhere else during the day, and went there during the night.. I guess it's safer, since would be much darker and hopefully a cooling night. Cooling for the rising tempers, hopefully. Lol. Lessens the risk of me bursting with fury at the sight of him - if I do see him there. Lol. Funny eh, put this in your mental image.. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. I'll be leaping out at him and clawing bits and pieces out, like the Hunter in Left 4 Dead 2. Omg. That's just too horrible. Lol. Fucking vivid imagination. Now that fills me with remorse to have such thoughts towards another.. Awww.
I guess he's the type of person who brings out the worst in others. I wonder what that says about him, and the affected people. Even my other group mates don't really like him. Some of my other course mates don't seem too keen on him, either. But at least they can still speak to him cordially, even though they speak ill of him behind his back. I know I don't speak badly about people behind their back, if I could help it. But I can't even pretend to be friendly to him. He just makes me too mad. Grr. So I guess if I really hate your guts, it will definitely show. Man, I'm so readable. Even my friends say that. At least they say that I'm just obviously honest in a way. Aha.
Sucks though, I wanted to go. But not that badly anyways. Ugh buzzkill. Maybe if we went somewhere else during the day, and went there during the night.. I guess it's safer, since would be much darker and hopefully a cooling night. Cooling for the rising tempers, hopefully. Lol. Lessens the risk of me bursting with fury at the sight of him - if I do see him there. Lol. Funny eh, put this in your mental image.. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. I'll be leaping out at him and clawing bits and pieces out, like the Hunter in Left 4 Dead 2. Omg. That's just too horrible. Lol. Fucking vivid imagination. Now that fills me with remorse to have such thoughts towards another.. Awww.
I guess he's the type of person who brings out the worst in others. I wonder what that says about him, and the affected people. Even my other group mates don't really like him. Some of my other course mates don't seem too keen on him, either. But at least they can still speak to him cordially, even though they speak ill of him behind his back. I know I don't speak badly about people behind their back, if I could help it. But I can't even pretend to be friendly to him. He just makes me too mad. Grr. So I guess if I really hate your guts, it will definitely show. Man, I'm so readable. Even my friends say that. At least they say that I'm just obviously honest in a way. Aha.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Mere existence
Whenever I smoke too much, and start feeling tired, worn out, and shit, I hear a voice telling me to slow it down.. and that it loves me too much, that I shouldn't be doing this to myself. It could just be my conscience. One that cares about myself, since nobody really gives that much of a thought towards me. I mean, of course, some people do care for me, but it's just that I feel so fucking lonely, you know, whenever I get to that point of tiredness, confusion, etc. Sometimes I feel like talking to someone, a lot. Just talk about anything.. like I did with my ex. I dunno, when it really boils down to my mere existence, I just feel really lonely. Alone. So alone. Writing that down makes me feel sad. :(. Don't think that all I think about is myself, I spent the whole day thinking of other stuff. It's just that I need to write these lonely thoughts down. So yeah, it makes out like I'm just too fucking self absorbed. I shouldn't be, I mustn't be. too self absorbed. I feel so lonely. Save me, caro mio. :(
Sometimes it feels like parts of me are dying, every time I feel like that. This is especially because it's mostly my fault. I drive people away. I do not open up easily, I do not open up too much. I must learn to accept people for who they are, let them in. Stop being so fucking picky, and get rid of this bullshit elitist mind set. Yeah, that mindset is full of bullshit.. and I myself despise it. I am aware now. and starting to pay the price for it. With my awareness, comes repentance, and the fight to become a better person on the inside. Oh caro mio. I love saying that in italian. :p
Sometimes it feels like parts of me are dying, every time I feel like that. This is especially because it's mostly my fault. I drive people away. I do not open up easily, I do not open up too much. I must learn to accept people for who they are, let them in. Stop being so fucking picky, and get rid of this bullshit elitist mind set. Yeah, that mindset is full of bullshit.. and I myself despise it. I am aware now. and starting to pay the price for it. With my awareness, comes repentance, and the fight to become a better person on the inside. Oh caro mio. I love saying that in italian. :p
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Mad Words of Unwisdom
This is bullshit. I can't write them down. All the thoughts in my head. If only I could transpose them into writing as I think. I wouldn't have to think of them again, only to put them in writing myself. I don't know, it doesn't feel right anymore when I try to put my exact thoughts into writing. It feels so fake. If I could put my thoughts down in writing as I think them, I could capture their essence. I have been having too many thoughts in my head, I need to let them out. They are driving me insane. I always put my thoughts down in writing, whenever they get too much. But just recently, it doesn't feel right when I try to write them down. Is this what people are referring to? When they say they couldn't write down their thoughts, whenever I suggest them to write in a journal? This is really bad. I need to dispose of my thoughts through my writing.
Whenever my mind's at a really shitty place, I speak loving words to myself. (In my head of course). Strangely, I find those words from myself to be reassuring, somewhat comforting. I guess it's just sad.
Whenever my mind's at a really shitty place, I speak loving words to myself. (In my head of course). Strangely, I find those words from myself to be reassuring, somewhat comforting. I guess it's just sad.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Underneath the 'Superwoman' exterior
It feels good to break down and cry. To let go, all that I've been holding in. Just... cry. Keep on crying till I can't cry no more. Let it all out, until I'm left with emptiness. Stoned. It doesn't matter that nobody's there to comfort me, or to just give me a hug. It just helps me cry even harder.. Really helps to empty out my capacity for emotion. It helps to leave me as a blank slate. 'Unfeeling' once again. Blank. Just tired of feeling. Yep, pour out all those accumulated emotions. I like the end and the beginning process - the emptying out and the blank slate. I hate the middle process, the collecting of all those emotions.
This is one of the songs that helps to set my tears free and let loose my iron grip on my vices.
I can't cry anymore. I think I'm done crying for now. Just feeling numb, and extremely tired.
I think it's really important for me to get out of here. To work abroad. And it has nothing to do with the glamor of working abroad, like most people have in mind. I think it's important for my sanity, to get away from all the remnants of the past, the gaping voids of sorrow. Another chance at a new life, for my sanity. To not let this life go to waste, by remaining stuck with the past. I want to completely let go, and grow. It has been hard to do that, while I'm still here. I have been trying for years, but my intuition tells me that I could do better if I go abroad. Really put the distance between myself and my past life. All that pain, disappointment, setbacks, confusion, depression, everything that has been darkening my life. But I will still take care of my family, even if I'm far away. I will never abandon them. They gave me life. Please don't keep me here on account that I have to stick close to my family. It's slowly killing me. Please help me save myself and help my family out. But please don't keep me here.. Please God, please let me get out of here. Please don't make me stay here any longer... I'm tired of the setbacks. Please save me. Please save the people that I care about. Please don't keep me here....... It's all that I've been praying for and working towards. Please don't let my sanity go to waste. Please don't keep me here..... I need your help, I love you.. I don't want to waste my life away...
This is one of the songs that helps to set my tears free and let loose my iron grip on my vices.
I can't cry anymore. I think I'm done crying for now. Just feeling numb, and extremely tired.
I think it's really important for me to get out of here. To work abroad. And it has nothing to do with the glamor of working abroad, like most people have in mind. I think it's important for my sanity, to get away from all the remnants of the past, the gaping voids of sorrow. Another chance at a new life, for my sanity. To not let this life go to waste, by remaining stuck with the past. I want to completely let go, and grow. It has been hard to do that, while I'm still here. I have been trying for years, but my intuition tells me that I could do better if I go abroad. Really put the distance between myself and my past life. All that pain, disappointment, setbacks, confusion, depression, everything that has been darkening my life. But I will still take care of my family, even if I'm far away. I will never abandon them. They gave me life. Please don't keep me here on account that I have to stick close to my family. It's slowly killing me. Please help me save myself and help my family out. But please don't keep me here.. Please God, please let me get out of here. Please don't make me stay here any longer... I'm tired of the setbacks. Please save me. Please save the people that I care about. Please don't keep me here....... It's all that I've been praying for and working towards. Please don't let my sanity go to waste. Please don't keep me here..... I need your help, I love you.. I don't want to waste my life away...
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Patience is a fucking virtue. lol.
Q: How do you deal with people who are just seemingly impossible?
A: Just ignore them.
Hahaha. No really, it could only get uglier, man. It's not worth it, in the long run. But hell, I hate it how she always seems to test my patience and shit. People like that aren't too good to keep around yourself. Geez. I shall, try to be more courteous or whatever positive attitude that is required with people, and not be like whom I was writing about.
A: Just ignore them.
Hahaha. No really, it could only get uglier, man. It's not worth it, in the long run. But hell, I hate it how she always seems to test my patience and shit. People like that aren't too good to keep around yourself. Geez. I shall, try to be more courteous or whatever positive attitude that is required with people, and not be like whom I was writing about.
sigh
work is what keeps me going.. otherwise I don't really have much to look forward to, something to distract me from my 'petty' problems. sigh.
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