New Age Female Oppression

Why do many girls nowadays settle for someone who does not really love them and yet they work so hard to please that person? I was one of them. I was made to believe that I am the crazy one for wanting too much. I was told this too many times until I started to doubt myself, which lead me to forgetting myself. I spoke to several girls who are still stuck in this web. They choose to brag about what they supposedly have. But underneath all that showing off, after speaking to them, I know for sure the pain that they go through for allowing themselves to settle for love that is less than what they deserve. It must be the mindset of "I wouldn't rather be alone". It takes one to know one. I have been there and I know what they are allowing themselves to go through.

I just want to pose this question to them: "Wouldn't you rather be alone than be with someone who makes you feel terribly alone most of the time?"

But the sad thing is, I think I might know the answer. They will want to stay for the brief glimpses of joy that they might get. Might. Imagine, having lost the hope for a genuine, happy future, in exchange for such fleeting joy that you know deep down will never be truly yours to share. What a wicked deal.

Comfort

So my boss (with whom I confide some stuff in) asked me about my love life, and I told him that it's pretty confusing. He said not to give the guy too much. I'm still young. My boss is double my age and he's having a second round with love and romance (marriage).

"Don't give him too much". My boss knows I'm giving him too much. I didn't even tell him about it. That conversation was comforting. Ever since my first interview he knew I have this issue. I wonder what gave it away.

But anyhow, I'm glad I met and still keep the good people around.

Time and Again

i guess i must have a huge capacity for love because my heart got broken more than once. i am afraid of my heart hardening forever because of this, if i am not careful.

Rejection

You know the sad thing about rejection? They don't even know the pain you go through because of them.

Rejection

Been alone and rejected for relationships for so long, the pain is starting to feel good. It's like, I'm in the frame of mind where I'd rather revel in the hurt than pursue a possible relationship where I don't even know if that person likes me as much. Well I've just been rejected in a way by this guy that I like a lot. And I'm feeling like just basking in the pain than pursue him when he told me he's uncertain about us.

What I Want To Say To All My Exes

Before you leave me, at least tell me why, and it has to be the truth. Tell me what it is about me that you don't like, what it is about me that makes you want to pull yourself away from me. That's the least that you can do before walking away. You owe me just that much. It's unfair to leave me alone in the dark, clueless.

Time To Heal

Of course, it's human to feel hurt and very very sad if someone rejects you, but after that period of hurt feelings, you'll just bounce right back up again. It's only a matter of getting your mind out of that hole of sadness and back into that place of happiness. Complete the cycle of emotions, haha.

Did It Really Mean That Much?

So you complain that he's finally walking away after so many problems in the relationship between you two. If you two really loved each other, then no matter how tough it has been, both of you will work it out. Like they say, when there's a will, there's a way. In reality, he or she is just tired of being with you and wants to move on, as far away as possible from you. So yeah, don't buy into the crap that he or she is telling you, about how sorry he or she is for the past, how the 4 years have been so good between you two.. Because honestly, if it meant that much to him or her, they would still stay and try to work it out no matter what. Sorry babe, but that person is just not that into you. Forget that person.

I've stopped buying into all those relationship dramas. Because if that person really wants it, I'll still be here to work things out. The problem is the one who gives up too easily on 'us'. So it just proves that he's not worthy if he gives up on us too easily, lol. I have one ex who was exactly like that - the one who gives up easily. Now he has a model girlfriend (he always boasts about her, what a show off twat). We hung out as friends, catching up. And guess what I found out? That sucker wants to get back with me, haha. Anything that is even remotely romantic with him is old news and I've moved on.

The worst feeling is not being alone, but being with someone who makes you feel alone.

I read that quote somewhere.

Soloist

You know what, about guys and relationships, that's one thing that always manages to piss me off. And another thing that gets on my nerves are guys who are 'suggestive' even though we're not in a relationship. Those two major things that always manage to piss me off. That's why, red alarms always go off when someone I like actually seems to like me. It's too good to be true, because it will never be true... Says my pessimistic side, from years of experience. I notice, guys and relationships are always my main source of negative emotions. I guess I am doomed to fly solo till the end. Whatever. I'm going to expand my network of friends and leave guys and relationship problems behind. One night stands? Puh-leaze! If you're not going to treat me right, you're not getting anything. That's one annoying thing about guys, even though they might be joking, but everytime they start being 'suggestive', I feel really pissed off. They'll then accuse me of being gay, and that humans have needs. Well all I can say is, I think you might be the one with an issue and it's not my problem that you don't have control over your needs. Sorry but I'm saving it for a guy who's worthy, even if it means that I'll just grow old without a partner. I'll always expand my network of friends. I'll just stop caring about relationships. With more friends and sharing experiences, I can be a new person.

Exes

Hahaha my ex is such a loser! Now he's all trying to get back together with me. Isn't his supermodel girlfriend enough? Lol. What a loser.

Oh and last time, we were hanging out together and I spent about 200 for the food and drinks. After that, he's always postponing the next hang out, since it's his turn to foot the bill, always giving out excuses. And now that he's out of legit excuses, just now, he even had the gall to suggest a cheap ass place, which in total would be about 4 times less than what I paid for last time. He's such a freaking loser. A cheapskate. An ass who breaks his promises, in all aspects. Big time LOSER.

There's a reason why people break up. I'm glad I've cleansed out the losers in my life. It's just this one who's the last one to get rid of.

I feel sorry for his model girlfriend.

Reasoning

So what if I knew and liked him ages before. Like it makes any difference in anything between us. So what if he went away and came back. It's not like he came back to me. Hahaha silly girl. He's going away again anyway, so, good. He may have lost a lot of weight, but he's still a pig anyway, lol. You know what I mean.

It seems like I have a lot of these kinds of posts on here, but it's the only time I ever talk/write about them. I never share these things with any friends because I know how much people hate listening to other people's useless drama. So this poor old miserable blog gets all the weight of my tiring rants.

Anyway, back to what I was writing about. I need to steer my overly girly mind back towards common sense and practicality. If someone isn't into me, get over it. Stop obsessing and stop trying to make excuses. So I'm gonna lay down the obvious facts and brace myself for how lame and stupid it may be.

***

I tried to test the waters with him, and he never responded positively. I made excuses that he may just be too afraid of repeating some horrible past, etc. Fact is, he won't be that way if it's a girl that he really fancies. So another fact is that he does not and never will feel that way about me.

Another one is mentioning exes and other girls that he thinks is cute/hot. I made it as an excuse that he was just trying to get me jealous. Fact is, he's just not interested in me and is being honest about his feelings towards other girls. Another fact is that even if he is aware of my crush on him, then he's just being a plain old asshole. I've met these kinds of assholes before, the only problem is that now I'm making up excuses for this current asshole. Snap out of it, silly girl and face reality. He has no regards for your feelings, so you should stop caring about him.

He's not proud to show me off to other people. When we started going out, we actually went for movies and shit. Now it's all just closed up and hidden. I made excuses for this as how maybe he just wants it to be more personal, probably because we're connecting on a closer level, more heart to heart talks and that kinda shit. Fact is, he probably just thinks I don't look good enough to be seen standing next to him in public. For example, and another fact is that if an ex were to see us together, I wouldn't be a good enough reason to incite jealousy for being the one that makes him happy instead. So fact is that I'm not the one he can get excited about to show off to other people. And fact is that I should stop wasting my time with him. It's so painfully obvious.

His actual personality is pretty immature and silly, and not the good kind. It's more the embarrassing, palm in your face kind of immature and silly. You know how some teenagers think themselves as cool, but other people who know better, regard them as fools? He's that teenager, only in an older body. The only way you can love a person like that is by regarding it as a cute quirk. But in reality, it's only jeans that are made too loose on purpose with the underpants sticking out. Embarrassing. Teenage fantasies are meant to be left behind in your teenage years. It is time to move on to better things that make sense and actually matter. There's a reason why those things didn't work out when you were younger.

He's pretty selfish when it comes down to it. He'll only act like he cares about me when he's involved. Other than that, his attitude would be more like, 'I dunno about your problem, but I'm covered for this.' Sad fact is that I brushed this off to play along. I'm thankful that I have this point to bring up when I need to knock some sense back into myself. Fact is, he doesn't care about me. He just wants it to be about him and how he can have a good time. If I'm not good enough, then I'm out.

Another laughable fact is that he's this old and he still doesn't have a sense of direction. Scary to think how similar he is to one of those teenagers without ambition. It's just come what may, for him. It may still be okay for him now to adopt that kind of attitude, but parents grow old and won't be around for long. Fact is, being one of those children brought up with a sense of purpose, and not depending on parents for everything, these aimless people just seem very lame and pathetic, even if it's someone I fancy for some reason (sorry to say, but honestly). I made excuses that he will get his act together, and straighten up. Fact is, he is what he is, and I can't just wait around hoping he would change for the better. When I directly confront this fact, I feel embarrassed that I let myself fall for such a person. What have I let myself associate with? Having fun is alright, but it's pretty lame if you're still adopting such a teenage attitude towards the control of your own life.

***

So I read through all the things that I wrote, and I'm like, "Wow, I'm really pulling out all the stuff to make myself stop this silly crush on him". So yeah, my sensible side is thinking why the hell did I start crushing on him so much? Why am I going through the trouble of making up excuses for him? Fact is, looks don't last, but everything on the inside does. And one of the things inside him, especially the part about him not caring about me much, is a recipe for disaster. How could I ever have let myself fall for such a loser? It's always jerks who are the ones who know the right things to say and shit. Having loads of practice with other girls to realize their own selfish desires.

Just stop it, come to your senses and be cool. Stop falling for traps, lol. Gosh, being human is exhausting.

Stupid Hoes

I get rejected by the guys that I like, only to see them later hook up with someone else. They're always ending up with ugly girls; it's either an ugly personality, an ugly face, or just a plain old bimbo, or all of them. And that makes me laugh all the way home. Thanks for giving me something to laugh at guys. Your stupidity. Lol. Perhaps it's best that I'm this way. Not weak and dependent.

Just An Old Post

Right now my best bet is when he leaves this place, then I'll finally be free to get over him completely.

After painfully breaking up with my ex, I saw him everywhere, as in those things that reminded me of him. It was a nightmare, but it's been almost a year now and I can walk free without hurting over him. So yeah, even though I thought I could never get over someone that I really love, I did it eventually. The face and those emotions will definitely fade over time.

When this current guy finally leaves this place, I'll completely close my heart from falling madly for anyone. It'll be a long time until I let myself open up easily once again. No more unrequited feelings.

Karma's A Bitch

You know how much I hate guys. I really wanna start blowing them off for plans, even the ones that I'm so interested in. I need to be strong so I can get that satisfaction of not feeling hurt no more and giving them what they deserve. To hell with romantic bullshit.

Dreams And Reality

It's so weird I had a dream about this guy I liked a lot, the one that I've been trying to stop having feelings for, and been telling myself all the reasons why I shouldn't fall for him. I just had to come clean about this to get it off my mind.

In the dream, he finally said he loved me and I remember how relieved I felt and that the long wait is finally over. Before he told me those words, I remember thinking in the dream about how nice it would feel to hug this guy just because of how much I liked him. After he finally confessed in that offhand shy manner of his, we were just cuddling and kissing, looking into each other's eyes a lot. All the romantic stuff that couples do. Even more passionately when they're very new and very in love. Mind you, there was none of that F word. Later on, his friends came over because they got into trouble for stealing some stuff from the cleaning ladies, lol. Now that part was funny. The emotions I felt in that dream felt so strong and real that at one point, I think I wondered in that dream, whether what's happening is actually real. Confused between dream and reality.

Last night before I was asleep, I actually felt really sad that I might lose my ability to ever fall in love again, since I've been trying so hard to fall in love with progressing in my work instead. Because none of my relationships worked out so far. But then I had that dream. An emotion stirring dream. I guess I won't lose the ability to feel that kind of emotion after all. And I've been denying my feelings deep down for that guy. That peaceful relief I felt in that dream seemed so real. But I have to learn to truly let go of my feelings towards him in real life. He's leaving soon, and he doesn't feel the same way towards me. Two major red flags. Silly girl. I need to move on, I can't go on burying my unreciprocated feelings like this. I had to face those hidden feelings in that dream and that's never a good sign. The more you deny it, the stronger it gets. I really need to accept the facts, let go and move on in reality.

Another dream was that of my grandfather. Weird thing is that he didn't cut his hair and it looked like Albert Einstein's, lol. We were having a good time bonding and I took pictures of him because he asked me to. Now that was a happy dream. Haha. You know how dreams are about the subconscious mind and those things that we desire so much deep down? Well these dreams have a lot to tell me about myself.

Omens

I feel so sad. Here's this super nice guy, who's really into me and is everything that I ever wanted in a guy to treat me as a girl... But somehow something is still holding me back from fully being into him, I'm still stuck on thoughts of those relationships that didn't work out. Those thoughts are with me when I'm with him but I'm also happy being around him because of how nicely he treats me. And when I'm not with him, I start being scared shitless of leading him on and I just want to stop whatever it is that's been going on between us. Maybe I should just take a break from him after the new year. I know that's exactly what he told me he didn't want to happen, but is it nice to lead him on when I'm not in it 100%? At this point, I just really wanna work on a better new me, heal my mental issues and finally be able to live life normally again. I wanna be over all those people who have hurt me. Have good friends in my life. I don't wanna live in regret with someone whom I'm not 100% into and with him, that's what I'm worried about. That I might never be able to reach that 100% and would end up living in regret and using him instead, just because he's nice. Also another issue is that I don't wanna be the girl who's into the guys who are ass holes towards her and reject the nice guys. So I really think I need time alone to sort out my feelings and in the meantime work on a better new me. I don't wanna jump into the whirlwind of a new relationship where I'm not 100% into it. I'll need to find a way to tell him this. Because if I am ready and really want to be with him, I'll be feeling over the moon after we hangout. But instead, I'm having all these negative thoughts and that's not a good sign.

Would You Still Like Him?

So you have been really down about some guy who didn't like you as much as you liked him. You tried to move on, changed your look, attitude, hang out with a whole new bunch of people... You have done it all, and once he comes running back to you, after ages of ignoring you, would you still like him as much as you did the last time he broke your heart?

I know I won't.

That's why I still keep my spirits and head up high during every disappointment because I know I'll come out of it much better than before, much better than him. And with that, my standards will be far higher and my feelings towards him will diminish.

Remain a strong, powerful, and beautiful woman.

So What's Been Going On?

Three days ago, the 'boyfriend' contacted me again after ages of silence, I guess that's because he knew that I'm going to be hanging out with our mutual friend, whom wanted to introduce me to his other bunch of crazy friends. He (the 'bf') finally said 'I love you', but that was just in writing. And also by that time I had no more feelings left towards him. So I didn't take anything he told me seriously.

I'll have to say the house party with my good friend, it was ace. There were girls as well. Loads of drinking. Loud music.

The day after, I met up with a new friend, this guy's super sweet and didn't try to take advantage of me. He bought me a gift even though it was just a first hang out, not a date. Super nice guy, and I should be careful, haha. The problem is, he's looking to settle down and he's 3 years younger than me. So that's a bit odd. And even if what he says is true, I really don't feel like settling down with someone 3 years younger than I am. It just doesn't settle well at all with my conscience. Sigh. An almost perfect guy comes along, and some pretty big issue gets in the way. If he wasn't younger than me, I would've agreed to be steady with him already. Hm right now I'm just telling him how I feel about all this but he still really doesn't wanna let go. I don't want to hurt him, by agreeing to be steady but not being in it 100% myself. So I just said I'll give it time, if time can change my mind about the age difference. But at this point, I think I'm just being a fucking dick and don't deserve a nice guy like him, for even letting the age gap become a factor in my decision. We shall see, time will tell, and in the meantime, I'll try my best not to hurt anybody. I think, I'll even accept it if he finds another girl who agrees to be steady with him. I think I may be relieved, because it would be an issue that's going to be cleared from my mind, even if it might mean that I'll feel hurt that I didn't get the nice guy, and he's with someone else already. I'll be the lone wolf that I used to be, still going on with my journey to improve myself, my state of life.

Vengeance is Mine

When confronted with the enemy, remember to be extra nice, and to protect yourself from getting sucked in. So that when u strike them with vengeance, it'll hurt them even more. Haha I'm so revengeful... And drunk.

Anyway. Don't trust them, because they have hurt you in the past. They're only back in your life because they want something from you. So just do what I told you in the beginning of this blog post. Don't forget!

Rejected!

So the 'boyfriend' finally contacted me again, being all sweet talking and shit. I messaged him a few weeks ago, telling him that we need to talk, but no reply, nada. I haven't heard from him for almost 4 weeks, until today. I think right now he might know that I'm gonna ask for a breakup.