Cheap

I fucking hate cheap guys. They're already engaged but still wanna hit on other girls. Ok I don't wanna say this, but... Typical Malays! I'm such a racist douche bag. But I just had to let it out. I've seen too many of them.

I don't mind being rude and bitchy to them, even if we used to be friends. It happened to me just now. Old guy friend who suddenly chat me up out of the blue, then started being suggestive. He disgusts me. Haha rejection for his side. Serves him right. His fiancé better get out of it quick. She's gonna marry a disgusting human being.

The Annoying List

List of annoying and/or disgusting habits:

- Chewing loudly, making those squelchy noises.
- Blowing the nose in public.
- People who don't use their real name on Facebook, or uses some name that I can't tell who the fuck it is. Like what the fuck is this fucking stranger doing on my friends list. Haha serves them right when they start getting deleted by their friends after they changed to that fucking stupid username. Lol. I'm really grumpy today.
- Taxi drivers who don't know the roads, not doing their job. Wasting my time, energy and money!! Fuck fuck fuck.
- How I can't seem to lose weight, or how hard it is to keep the weight off. Well, when I do, it always comes right back up so quickly. It's fucking annoying that I have to keep starving myself if I want to stay thin. That, or go to the gym everyday, which I can't.



I'll be adding more later.

Ignored

Look at them.. All those faces of people who ignored me. I feel that they should feel remorseful and responsible in a way for what they did. Well I have moved on. But I can't help looking back at them in disgust. Especially when they finally come looking for me after ages of silence. Hard for me to forgive them and respond.

I counted them up and the number is appalling. Insulting. Say that in a pompous tone. Haha.

blasted ranting. don't bother to read. you won't get it anyways

Sometimes I wish they would just talk about something else for a change. They, as in, parents, aunts and uncles.. and maybe some peers who are demented too. But I'm talking about my parents here, my dad to be precise. You know, it would be nice if the topic were something other than the usual: job, interview, etc. It's like there's nothing else to talk about. And what more, those are depressing subjects. I think, it's about time when I'll get influenced and do that to other people. Talk about the same shit over and over again. No other topic in mind. Like a robot. A flipping robot. And what's more, boring and depressing topics. Nobody would ever want to talk to me ever again, because that's all the shit that I ever talk about. Anyways, even if I do get a flipping job, the talk won't stray either, it'll be a different take on the same bleeping topic. I hate talking to my parents, to tell you the truth. Wish I could talk to them about some other thing. So yeah, I'm stuck up here. I think in the back of my mind, I feel like if I actually went to get my dinner, I would owe him big time. Oh and another confession, I actually shoplifted because of dad too. I dunno, some mental thing going on back then I think, and going on strike due to not wanting to take anymore of his money, because I asked too much to pay for my course fees. Yeah, I should have gotten a job. No, I should have gotten the loan. But back then when my course mates took a loan, and I asked him, should I take it too, since everyone else was, he said there was no need. And then, he started making it out like it's my fault that there's so much to pay for, when I already asked him earlier so that I could take the fucking loan. And yeah, so that lead to the hunger strike, the delinquency strike. Not that he knows of any of the shit I go through. I guess it's just my way of punishing myself for being stuck with such a family. Twisted reasoning? You bet. Haha. Whatever, I'm just speed ranting. There's a lot I put myself through, you know, when things get lousy at home. But it doesn't affect them in any way, just affects myself, A LOT. Not that I care. But I guess it's just my way of testing my boundaries, my limits. Punishing myself for being in whatever bleeping situation that I was in.

You know, they didn't have to make it harder than it is. Like as if I'm not doing any shit to get a fucking job, or whatever problem it is that they're currently picking at me. I dunno, I feel bad writing that down, just feels better to be fucking vague, not targeting specific people in my life. Anyways, yeah it's bad enough with them reminding me of my failures, talking to me like as if I'm on a holiday doing nothing to get a move on. Remember when I went through my internship? They were so happy about it, proud of me, I think. But that was one of the hellish experiences I had in life. There was this bunch of horrible people there, but I just went through that shit. I did it all because of Them. Not that they'd ever know of my sufferings, I doubt they'll care that much anyways. Probably would just tell me to suck it up, it's not our problem, that's life, etc etc. Yeah, they're not too good for moral support. Anyways, I'm used to shit, being alone. Not having moral support, etc etc. They do support me when it's all for making myself suffer though. It's like it makes them happier. Like when I'm selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and successes. I'm pretty sure they'll be happy about that. Eh, maybe I'm just exaggerating. Hahahahahahhaha. Maybe I should try the alternative of selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and success. Since life has been going down the shit lane currently anyways. Just to shut them up. There's one thing that I notice about my life is that, whenever I'm at my worst sufferings, they seem to be the happiest. They're all like, good for you, working hard, etc. I wish they could just be happy for me being happy, for once. One thing I noticed, all this negative attitude towards life, it stems from them, really. If I were left on my own, I would have been a thoroughly positive person. I was, when I wasn't anywhere near them for long periods of time. And she said I shouldn't blame them for my shortcomings. Ha. I did much better when I was on my own. Anyways, I'm kinda getting the vibe that my ranting's becoming more and more nonsensical, although there are grains of truth among all that nonsense. Oh yeah, hunger, it always reminds me of some issue issuing from Them. Hunger reminds me of Them. That is bad, isn't it? But of course, that is nobody's concern. that will forever be kept to myself. Nobody will know, because I know nobody will give a shit. But yeah, hunger will always remind me of college and dad, in a negative way. I'm just being brutally honest here. I think God must hate me, because he's punishing me by giving me a hard time in life, wherever I go, whatever I do. He must hate me because I hate (either of) my parents (even if on a subconscious level). Yep, I'm just a wretched mortal, doomed to an eternity of suffering... on Earth and in the afterlife. I'm just being fucking cynical here. And no, I'm not gonna be having my dinner at all, I'll let that greedy pig finish it all off. I have a strong feeling that the other He will definitely feel like I owe him for that, if I ever laid out a hand for a slice. Like I don't owe him so many other things after these accumulated years. But yeah, I've always had this rough idea laid out, that if I ever do get a job, I'll definitely pay him back for everything that has been spent on me. That's one of the debts I'll be getting out of. Next is the loan that I applied for. So those two are the hugest debts that I'll have to get myself out of. You think why would a daughter think that she owes her father all the things in life that she had? Because he told her so. And I intend to pay off my debts. And I think God is angry at me for thinking that. Which is why I'm having such a hard time for this. But how can I not think that, when I have been treated that way? Maybe I should, be a saint. It's odd that I feel like to handle all of this in a patient and positive manner, being the bigger 'man', that it would kill me. Maybe I really have a black, tainted soul, that the prospect of doing good, being the bigger person, would actually kill me. Haha. Sorry. I must be really evil on the inside for laughing about this.

Anyways, I have always been testing my limits, to withstand the shit in life. I purposedly put myself in danger, whether physical or mental, just to see how bad I would crash and burn. Secretly, I've always wished for myself to perish soon. But something keeps me from perishing. I guess it's a luxury I don't deserve, and that I'm being kept here longer, so that I would suffer some more. SO yeah, putting myself in danger. I don't really care for my well being. I just wanna test my limits. Gaze in wonder and sometimes in amusement, at the fucked up situations that I intentionally land myself into. I have a collection of bullshit and lessons that could be learnt, for other wisemen to learn from this fool. I don't mind sharing the things that I've learnt. I get friends that way. Haha. Who wouldn't want to talk to a loser who has been through so much shit. Anyways, yeah, crashing and burning every time. But never perishing. It ends up making me stronger, so that it's harder to perish the next time. .....

Buzzkill

Well if he's going to that event, I'll be avoiding it like the plague, if I can. He's just one of those people who make my hairs raise on end, with anger. That bad, huh. Yep. One of those people I absolutely cannot stand. We used to do work together, and he's so horrible. It seems like one of those things I can't get over with - I can't even pretend to be nice to him any longer. It's like, I require every ounce of fiber I have, just to be cordial to him. It's unfortunate that things have to be this way, but what with certain circumstances and people, it just seems to be inevitable. He was cool at first, but as time passes by, he just becomes so horrible. I just can't get over it. I don't think I should be in his presence, it just triggers the fury within me. Sure, many of my other friends will be at that event, I don't mind them at all. But if he's going, I don't think it's safe for either of us to risk bumping into each other. Not even spot each other from a distance. He's just one of those rare people in my life who instantly triggers every ounce of fury I have within me. Lol.

Sucks though, I wanted to go. But not that badly anyways. Ugh buzzkill. Maybe if we went somewhere else during the day, and went there during the night.. I guess it's safer, since would be much darker and hopefully a cooling night. Cooling for the rising tempers, hopefully. Lol. Lessens the risk of me bursting with fury at the sight of him - if I do see him there. Lol. Funny eh, put this in your mental image.. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. I'll be leaping out at him and clawing bits and pieces out, like the Hunter in Left 4 Dead 2. Omg. That's just too horrible. Lol. Fucking vivid imagination. Now that fills me with remorse to have such thoughts towards another.. Awww.

I guess he's the type of person who brings out the worst in others. I wonder what that says about him, and the affected people. Even my other group mates don't really like him. Some of my other course mates don't seem too keen on him, either. But at least they can still speak to him cordially, even though they speak ill of him behind his back. I know I don't speak badly about people behind their back, if I could help it. But I can't even pretend to be friendly to him. He just makes me too mad. Grr. So I guess if I really hate your guts, it will definitely show. Man, I'm so readable. Even my friends say that. At least they say that I'm just obviously honest in a way. Aha.

yes, come on, stir up my wrath.

so you have dragged me to your level. as in, that stressed, fidgety, neurotic person who can't take a chill pill. so you have dragged me to that level, to your level. SATISFIED??!

don't think i have something worked out in my head? you love taking me to your level, don't you, can't get your FUCKING PEACE OF MIND unless i'm as unhappy as you are. unless i'm feeling what you're feeling. fucking vindictive human weaknesses. it's not my problem if i'm in a situation, i do not choose to fucking act like you. it's not my problem if i CHOOSE to lessen the stresses in my life. YOU CHOOSE TO BE STRESSED, and now you want others to take that same fucked up path that you fucking chose! here I was, carefully planning out my next moves, providing backup actions where things could go wrong, and adapting to whatever fucked up situation that people and circumstance puts me through. no fucking car, no fucking key, etc. so yeah, i faced all that bullshit in a calm state of mind. which i might add, allows more space for well thought decisions and actions. and now, you came along and fucking forced and RUSHED me into a situation, a fucking ridiculous situation, where i can't help but get stressed out. yeah, who wouldn't in a fucking ridiculous situation that you don't necessarily have to go through, but some prick forces you to go through just to give himself a peace of mind. getting stressed out just for the sake of looking like i'm fucking doing something. isn't that fucking USELESS? getting stressed out just for superficial reasons, which in fact, blocks your ability to fucking THINK THINGS THROUGH. i fucking hate that mentality, where they fucking want you to look stressed, so that they will fucking feel satisfied that you are not just doing nothing, feeling carefree and shit. where in fact, i am as fucking stressed out as you are. i just choose not to FUCKING INDULGE IN IT. UNLIKE YOU! i don't want to be anything like you! so fucking stressed and shit. you must be so fucking happy now that you have brought me down to your fucking level, aren't you!

sometime soon, i must either buy a punching bag and hand wraps, or take up kickboxing classes once again. depends. but the punching bag and hand wraps is a must. especially needed in my workplace? depends. if it isn't as bad as working with my final year project group mates, I'll be using it in my home then. often. fucking angry.

screw you

I think this ongoing sickness is also because of the stresss. damn, i'm pulled from all sides. this party doesn't let me get to my pc, this party wants me to get a job fast. without a fucking pc, how the fuck am i supposed to work on my portfolio? this fucking sucks! being pulled from all sides. NOBODY FUCKING UN DER STANDS.

hell yeah to adolescent like angst.

stupid work

its so fucked up. how the hell am i supposed to do work with that ass hole around? and now they gonna force me to do unreasonable things. fuck them. i'm so pissed off at them right now, i don't care anymore about my composure. oh, and to top off all of that, when i woke up, i was woken up with slightly bad news, which i adapted to and made space for.. but then, even worse news topped it off and made the situation even uglier, which i couldn't take and blew my top off. fuck that. and. i'm f ing hungry.

that a-hole (present post)

so called relationship advice. or more like, relationsht. ha.

f you btch. you never should have answered any calls from that ex douchebag. you know how lousy he makes you feel. how he always drags you down. to hell with him. no matter how lonely or desperate for company you are, you never should have talked to him. he's bad for you. he's slow and stupid, ignorant, a pathological liar.. and many other lousy qualities that you never should have around you, or let anywhere near your life. all in all, he's just a combination of bad qualities, that it's too funny to comprehend how could one person be loaded with all that bs qualities altogether. ha ha