had a great christmas dinner last night. i never thought i'd feel the family connection again. you know, surrounded by family, lots of talking and laughter. it reminded me a bit of Meet the Robinsons. i guess i miss that feeling of being around family. at home, dad's not much of a socializer, my siblings, well they're still kids and all they wanna do is play online games and stuff. when mum's around, she's the one who got the family to be together and actually have a good time together. without her, it's just an awkward, forced feeling. i guess now i really feel the consequence of the divorce. like f. but last night was good, it's like stepping back into time, except that it's slightly different. my grandma's here in town with my cousin. and my uncle invited us to dinner with his family. dad was invited too. so it was a pretty good night, though with a lot of eating. i didn't eat that much though. but my little cousins were cute and funny. very different from being with the family from my dad's side. that felt really forced and awkward, for me. but with my mum's side, with people that i grew up knowing, that really felt like old times. it was a good christmas dinner. i guess that's why i love being around this group of friends in college. they remind me of that feeling of a family. except that it's not the same. when i'm hanging out with the other groups in college, i feel out of sorts. forced and all that. i like home. real home. that was a good christmas dinner.
so i'm watching The Social Network and i really miss that feeling of exclusivity and being an elite. i wanna climb back to the top. i need to work on my skills. too much depression has got me down, literally. i hate it. i want to get back on top. i don't want that suicidal feeling anymore. i want to be a great success. i guess that when you're on top, it's a long way down for the fall. now it's time for me to climb back up. and stay there this time. now that i've felt all the hardships of being at the bottom, i've learned my lessons. and i think i'm more prepared this time, to hold on to the top. wish me luck.