you had me suicidal, suicidal..

i've always wished for suicide. but one who actually commits suicide, has a really f ed up state of mind. i'm not f ed up enough, yet. maybe. ha. but i'm thinking, what's the use of my living, if i'm not even good enough to perform what i'm supposed to? i feel so horrible inside. and i don't really have anyone to talk to about my deeper feelings. sigh. i feel suicidal, but not in a f ed up state of mind enough to actually get the job done. sigh. i wish my suffering would end soon. if only. sigh. i'm not even f ed up enough to cut my own wrists. haha. well, i guess it's because i want something more satisfying than cutting myself.. like, death? ha. damn i sound so emo. i feel embarrassed just thinking about it. what is the point of living, if i'm not even good at what i do? what sort of life would turn out for me, if i can't perform up to par. i'm just thinking it's better to end it here.

i especially can't stand the dynamics of my groupmates. stuck with them. this one group mate, he cut me on a deeper level. and no, it's nothing to do with the feeble human desire for romance. just, struck me deep in my life journey, what i've been going through, and trying to sort out. just makes it worse, and leads me to feeling extremely suicidal and useless. this is a sort of therapy, going through my innermost feelings on my blog. can't afford therapy, though i have a strong feeling that therapy would immensely boost my healing process. but at the moment, i'll have to go through it myself. sometimes the ongoing battle gets me so f ing tired. can i go on like this?

i just need someone good for me, someone to talk to. i'm here talking to myself, sorting things out by myself. can't bother anyone else with these problems. the only form of communication that i get to enjoy is when others express their problems to me. i'm their therapist. it's so sad. i only get to talk to others when they find me, when they have problems. other than that, i'm left alone. there are some people who offer to talk to me, if i ever have the need to. but when i start to express these deeper thoughts that affect me, i don't know where to start. and when i start, i dunno. i guess they're not really up for it. their words don't mean anything really, when they said they wanna help. i guess it's just a gesture of some sort, and one that doesn't really mean anything. i wish all of this would end. i wish i'd get to a happier place in life and stay there. if only.