Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Thanks for the song, Sean

There's a reason why I completely delete all traces of all my exes. Sweet memories? Completely obliterated. Photos? All deleted. The things we shared? Aha, obviously they had to go as well. It's like we were never in each others' lives at all. Obviously there were still traces of the memories that we shared at first, but they would slowly wash away in time. Leaving behind all the emotional baggage (hopefully). Why, why such so heartless? It's not fucking heartless, it's the perpetrators who are fucking heartless. I am nothing but a mirror of your deeds. Just doing the best I can to ease my fucking pain. It was hell getting over each and every one of them. It was pretty hard at first, especially when I had to go to the places that we used to go to. Even with a friend by my side, couldn't help all the emotions that they evoke. Songs, and all the other shit that we shared. The ones that are hard to completely erase / avoid. But yeah, all of that is in the past. But I guess a bad thing about my method, is that it leaves me with a stone cold heart, even though I may have partly protected myself from the hurt and pain. All that is left is an empty shell, wandering through life's journey, confused and forever searching for something I can't quite put my finger on. No really, what good does it do for me, to open up my heart? Open up my heart and feel the beauty that love has to offer, only to have it all ripped away from me. To have felt, and... eventually forget? Or is it better to have never felt and remain static? I have been through both. Don't know which is worse. I'm feeling too stoned to ponder this anymore. I'm just too badly hurt after I've opened myself up to any possibility that anyone could offer. No, I mean, why let myself get hurt even more, when clearly his heart is somewhere else. He clearly said so, didn't he. What would you do? Anyways, I've been through this before, and I stopped everything before it could get worse.. especially for me. Sometimes I wonder, did I do the right thing? Or should I have stayed with someone who was still in love with another? That is also one of the reasons why I chose to close my heart off to anyone who could possibly rip it out. Look into my eyes, and you will see NOTHING. Well, I went back on my words recently, but then the course of events which has started to cause me pain, led me to doubting my novel choice of actions.

"Should I stay or should I go?" - The Clash

So my group of vampiric friends say that I should go. Well, I am definitely enlightened. I shall be keeping an open mind, in the meantime.

Your heart still lingers in the past, and yet, you got your foot in the present. Every time I start to fade away, you pull me back in. Why, is it because of your fear of being left alone? Let me get this straight: Your heart is stuck in the past, but you need a partner to keep you company. Vrai ou faux? Yes, no? Mm. Karma, I still have my fucking dues to pay. How much longerrrr? Until I can finally come back home from this wearisome journey and snuggle up to my darling.

Aw crap. My flu is starting up again. Been really ill lately, ugh. Stresses coming from all points. I'm glad I've fallen ill after the final year project is over. Otherwise, I'd hate to think what would become of us if it were otherwise. ggg.

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