Sunday, October 9, 2011

Finally. So This is Fear, Huh

So I haven't written in here after a long while. And with the recent turn of events, I think I need to do this, for myself, for those around me, for my relationship with God. It's just so overwhelming that all of it connects, and the fact that I don't want desctruction to happen to any of it. I need to sort my thoughts out, I need a revelation, an inspiration. To be able to go through with life happily and with a peace of mind especially, and do it the cleanest way I can to my abilities. Plus, I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this in depth at the moment, and it's urgent that I find some peace of mind, so I guess I'll have to turn to writing therapy. It just sucks that all of this has to hit me during my period, a pretty vulnerable time, and it's especially scary regarding what has been happening at work and how a combination of all of this could so easily contribute to me losing my sanity completely. And that is scary, the prospect of losing my sanity at a whole new level. Judging by the things that I did to myself when I was at my lowest points. So what would happen then, if I fell down to a whole new level of lowliness? Scared of what might happen to me. I wish I could pray, because that has always been my lifeline to get through with this life, honestly. But all I can do now is to talk to God, till after a week, and then I could pray again to Him, which I definitely would. Because of how scared I am, for myself... and for others too. I'm also trying all means to heal myself in the meantime. Please, God save me. I'm also thankful that he did all of this to me, so that I would come back to Him. Since I myself prayed to him to be lead back to Him again. So I find comfort in the fact that my prayers are answered.

So what has been bothering me? Think I'll probably be writing about this one issue. This one issue that I have been avoiding to actually sit down and contemplate seriously. Since it has had my full attention since last night, all the repercussions of all the possible actions, it has put a heavy weight on my mind. I think a full blown confession is what I really need to do, in order to 'cleanse' and sort out my thoughts, possibly coming up with a revelation and a solution.. ultimately a peace of mind. For myself, and one that I would be sharing with this guy I'm in love with. So yeah, now you get the idea of what I'm going to write about, it's about a guy, and it's gonna be a long winded journey in writing. But hey, you know me, and I'm not one of them who makes a big deal out of a guy, especially not regarding the questions of the heart. But this does in a way affect my other portions in life. How it connects with the other stuff? Through my sanity.

So what has been bothering me? Again, I must not deviate from answering. Where do I start? So honestly, I have never met anyone like him. Never actually felt the way I did for anyone else, like how I do with him. What is it about him that makes it a lot more different? Simply put, it's his mind. And that is one thing of the human that has been molded through the years of experience, something that makes a person possibly very unique from others. It's almost like, he's the guy I have been looking for. Except that now that I've found him (maybe), I can't be with him properly. It's especially a question of our faiths in our different religions.

So I was watching this Korean comedy called Hello Ghost. It's funny how a movie can be funny, and make you cry at the same time. I'm just so scared of being alone. Scared of not having anyone I could connect with, on a deep level. It has been rough for me with friends and family. Although I do make the best I could with my family whenever I get the opportunity, because I care a lot. With friends, it's tougher because it has been something that I kind of lost my touch, but it's really something that I long to have once again deep down in my heart. And with this guy, I already have this deep connection towards him, and what makes it even harder is that it's a mutual feeling. Well maybe not that harder. Anyways, it's rarely that I feel that I could be with someone every single day and not get sick of it. I know myself, so take my word for it, please. We have been talking about some serious stuff, especially things that would concern us if we were to be together. And one thing that has been the biggest barrier is our different faiths in religion. Up until last night, I haven't really thought about it, with my full-on attention. And since our talk last night, it has been on my mind up until now. And I'm terrified. Terrified of how things might turn out, how I might take it. It's even more petrifying when I even venture into the thoughts of the future and how empty it could be. Seeing as how hard it is to keep my close friends, create new connections and keep them close to me. And the thought of not having him anymore. Everything combined, into the future, it does terrify me and how it might affect the other portions in my life. That thought breaks me down, and puts me on my knees, praying to God in tears and fear. Funny how I'm always finding myself crying my eyes out in front of my own writing.

Anyways, so I guess if I really were to lose him, it would be harder on me because of all the people and connections that I have lost in life. And to lose one more, a deep one that I shared with someone special, is very heartbreaking. I'm scared of what I might do. And what is this 'losing' that I have been talking about? Is it because if we were to be just friends? But wouldn't that mean losing him and the connection that we had? That closeness? I don't actually care about the physical stuff, because I've never actually been a person who commits to the physical stuff. I've really been more about what's inside the guy, his mind and soul. That's what determines how long I could last with him.

But what's really sad and confusing, is that, how could I have let myself get into this state? Last time, I was happy (well, happier, sort of), avoiding things I don't want to get into in relationships (physical stuff... sex, okay?), keeping my guard up. But then, I went out with this guy. I went into this journey with my guard up and everything, but then he melted them away and I find myself doing things that I had been keeping myself from doing. Things went sort of rough from then on, because, like my personal motto that I told him, fucking fucks things up. Then, we talked about a lot of deep stuff, sorted out our thoughts and feelings together. Which was a surprise, since talks like that are something that is a big deal for me when it comes to creating a close bond with another human. So after getting into stuff I didnt want to, even though I kept my guard up, I found something deeper within that guy and I guess he must have with me too. We even resolved to not get into the physical stuff, growing ourselves out of it, helping each other. And then, we started talking about religion. And how it's forbidden actually to be together. And both of us are loyal to our faiths. That is when it really hits me hard, which must have been hard for him too. So that is where it has been breaking me down since. Choose, I tell you, your God, or a mere human? Of course I would choose God, naturally. He was the one that has been with me since I was born. Maybe there is something that I cannot see, that He has in store for me. Something good for me, even if I were to stand by His side, no matter how impossible the recent turn of events have been. Maybe there is something wonderful for me just around the corner. I'm just blinded by my human condition. Faith, maybe this is where I should let go of the human worries of my heart and soul, and completely let myself be lead by Him. I just need that fear to be non existent in me. The fear that I might destroy myself and everything/everyone I have, if I were to truly be alone, to truly have everything ripped away from me. The fear of this present life. Because I guess that's what that has been holding me back from just letting go, and letting myself to completely be lead by Him. That is the truth. I think I would be able to do that now, only problem is that I have my period. And it'll be about a week until I can finally just pray. Do the actual ritual, instead of just having conversations with God in my head. Because that isn't enough. Probably not enough to save me from the vestiges of the state of mind that I feel creeping up on me. I'm scared. But I think, in the meantime, I'll be okay. I need to chill, I need my endorphins from exercise, and my daily conversations with Him (in my head). God willing, I will be okay. And so shall my love (the person and my emotions) be too. For this life, and the after life. Always has been on my mind. I know that He is kind enough to watch over us and protect us, guide us. And I find comfort in that, especially when things are so horrible and I can't see the good side of anything at all.

Okay, I'm going jogging before it's too late.

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