Friday, October 26, 2012

Not Listening Anymore

I'll just go with whatever that makes me happy. When I was younger, I used to be the kid who follows blindly to what the 'authorities' tell me to do. Eg. Parents, teachers, etc. As I grew older, I found that doing the right or noble thing can just go down the drain, so why fucking bother. It's like after doing all the right things, I'll still lose anyway. I'll still miss out on things. Blindly following won't make a difference. So why bother listening. Why, fucking, bother. I'll just go with whatever that makes me happy, and won't hurt others in the process. I don't listen to parents much, they make really grave mistakes, I realize as I grew older. Hurt, betrayed, and disappointed. So they kinda lost their credibility to me. It's tough realizing that there's no cookie cutter to follow, so I'll carve my own path. Be my own leader, not look up to people whom I can't depend on.

Tough love. I fucking hate it. But that's the situation I got thrown into. So I'll bite back with just as much vengeance. Aha. Don't blame me if I don't listen, because they didn't earn my trust. For now, I'll be looking out for myself, and those who have earned it as well.

It's not that I don't care. I still care. I just don't want to waste my time anymore, only to get hurt.

 I've had enough of this fucking feeling. In uni, my parents didn't have my back when I really needed them - crucial moments that I had to suffer on my own and find my own way. And those things that weren't even my fault to begin with. And just now, that thing happened again. Crucial moments, man. When help was really needed. And I had to find my own way. Will you not feel hurt when you ask for help and they don't want to help you during those moments? Time and time again, the ugliness resurfaces. No matter how fucking fake and cheerful they want to portray themselves as. Whatever it is, it has trained me to be fucking resourceful, and worse come to worse, ask for help from reliable friends. Trained me to be resourceful, and resentful as well. Ha.

Hell I'm sick of that, wherever I can, I'll just be happy. Go for things that make me happy. Why would I voluntarily stick around for things that make me miserable. I sometimes wonder if they ever felt how pretty heartless they can get. I guess they take those things for granted. To hell with that. I'm not going to be sticking around. In the meantime, just be fucking civil. They like that, don't they. Put up a placidly happy front, while on the inside, the ugliness rears its head.

I can't wait to start afresh and throw all the baggage away. It's unbearable.

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