Reasoning

So what if I knew and liked him ages before. Like it makes any difference in anything between us. So what if he went away and came back. It's not like he came back to me. Hahaha silly girl. He's going away again anyway, so, good. He may have lost a lot of weight, but he's still a pig anyway, lol. You know what I mean.

It seems like I have a lot of these kinds of posts on here, but it's the only time I ever talk/write about them. I never share these things with any friends because I know how much people hate listening to other people's useless drama. So this poor old miserable blog gets all the weight of my tiring rants.

Anyway, back to what I was writing about. I need to steer my overly girly mind back towards common sense and practicality. If someone isn't into me, get over it. Stop obsessing and stop trying to make excuses. So I'm gonna lay down the obvious facts and brace myself for how lame and stupid it may be.

***

I tried to test the waters with him, and he never responded positively. I made excuses that he may just be too afraid of repeating some horrible past, etc. Fact is, he won't be that way if it's a girl that he really fancies. So another fact is that he does not and never will feel that way about me.

Another one is mentioning exes and other girls that he thinks is cute/hot. I made it as an excuse that he was just trying to get me jealous. Fact is, he's just not interested in me and is being honest about his feelings towards other girls. Another fact is that even if he is aware of my crush on him, then he's just being a plain old asshole. I've met these kinds of assholes before, the only problem is that now I'm making up excuses for this current asshole. Snap out of it, silly girl and face reality. He has no regards for your feelings, so you should stop caring about him.

He's not proud to show me off to other people. When we started going out, we actually went for movies and shit. Now it's all just closed up and hidden. I made excuses for this as how maybe he just wants it to be more personal, probably because we're connecting on a closer level, more heart to heart talks and that kinda shit. Fact is, he probably just thinks I don't look good enough to be seen standing next to him in public. For example, and another fact is that if an ex were to see us together, I wouldn't be a good enough reason to incite jealousy for being the one that makes him happy instead. So fact is that I'm not the one he can get excited about to show off to other people. And fact is that I should stop wasting my time with him. It's so painfully obvious.

His actual personality is pretty immature and silly, and not the good kind. It's more the embarrassing, palm in your face kind of immature and silly. You know how some teenagers think themselves as cool, but other people who know better, regard them as fools? He's that teenager, only in an older body. The only way you can love a person like that is by regarding it as a cute quirk. But in reality, it's only jeans that are made too loose on purpose with the underpants sticking out. Embarrassing. Teenage fantasies are meant to be left behind in your teenage years. It is time to move on to better things that make sense and actually matter. There's a reason why those things didn't work out when you were younger.

He's pretty selfish when it comes down to it. He'll only act like he cares about me when he's involved. Other than that, his attitude would be more like, 'I dunno about your problem, but I'm covered for this.' Sad fact is that I brushed this off to play along. I'm thankful that I have this point to bring up when I need to knock some sense back into myself. Fact is, he doesn't care about me. He just wants it to be about him and how he can have a good time. If I'm not good enough, then I'm out.

Another laughable fact is that he's this old and he still doesn't have a sense of direction. Scary to think how similar he is to one of those teenagers without ambition. It's just come what may, for him. It may still be okay for him now to adopt that kind of attitude, but parents grow old and won't be around for long. Fact is, being one of those children brought up with a sense of purpose, and not depending on parents for everything, these aimless people just seem very lame and pathetic, even if it's someone I fancy for some reason (sorry to say, but honestly). I made excuses that he will get his act together, and straighten up. Fact is, he is what he is, and I can't just wait around hoping he would change for the better. When I directly confront this fact, I feel embarrassed that I let myself fall for such a person. What have I let myself associate with? Having fun is alright, but it's pretty lame if you're still adopting such a teenage attitude towards the control of your own life.

***

So I read through all the things that I wrote, and I'm like, "Wow, I'm really pulling out all the stuff to make myself stop this silly crush on him". So yeah, my sensible side is thinking why the hell did I start crushing on him so much? Why am I going through the trouble of making up excuses for him? Fact is, looks don't last, but everything on the inside does. And one of the things inside him, especially the part about him not caring about me much, is a recipe for disaster. How could I ever have let myself fall for such a loser? It's always jerks who are the ones who know the right things to say and shit. Having loads of practice with other girls to realize their own selfish desires.

Just stop it, come to your senses and be cool. Stop falling for traps, lol. Gosh, being human is exhausting.