Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm no Superman

Girl, she's not really your friend. I don't know what's her fucking problem, but someday, she will get what she deserves. The beauty of that sentence is that it can go both ways. Either good or bad - it is all up to her choices and her actions. So let the powers of the universe decide her fate. In the meantime, I'll keep protecting myself from getting hurt, and making the best out of this journey of life. What makes me doubt her companionship? Well, in the beginning she was very nice. She seemed nice. Of course I wanted to believe in that, I wanted to believe in her. As time progresses, I see that she is pretty much the devious kind. One of the most dangerously devious kind at that.. You start to believe that she is very courteous, polite, kind, sympathetic, etc. But really, I hate it when I start to doubt what really belies that exterior. I don't know what really lies in her heart, but at times, I could see something really ugly in her - as she puts up an angelic front, but in her natural element, everything is a contradiction to the way she carries herself. No, I don't want to believe that she is an ugly person on the inside, in the very core. But lately, she has been inexplicably mean. Hell, she was fucking mean to me, that it made me feel like cutting myself - which I did, actually. Because her actions really hurt me so fucking bad, I just needed to forget that pain and transfer it to something physical. Hell, I feel so fucking tired. Sometimes it feels like someone out there has a voodoo doll of me. And at times, that evil person will stick needles into it, and project a series of horrible things to happen to me. I dunno, maybe I'm just too fucking paranoid. Ha. But yes, that shit wears me down at times. Tired! Fuck you. It's like my life is a mocking existence. Hahaha. That would make a good line. My life is a mocking existence. Maybe I need to rephrase that, something sounds off with it.

Okay, I notice that when someone seems to get treated badly by others, and they whine about it, it is usually their own fault. They fucking did something wrong. So what is my fault for this one? What? What? No, they won't tell you. They never will.. except maybe for a few exceptional human beings. But those are the rare kind of people. I want to be that kind, but I know I'm not perfect. So I might be able to do that, but I would still be lacking somewhere else. I just want to make the best out of this life. Back to the point of this all being your own fault. If you still don't know what you did wrong, apologize. Really, be sincere about it, don't be vague and do it for the sake of dropping the old story without any feelings of remorse. People will get put off. Anyway, isn't it better to do something out of honesty? It is cleansing for your own soul, and maintains a good tie with others. The shitty thing is, when you do apologize, some people just remain steadfast in their stance against you. Worst thing is, they appear to accept your apology, but deep down, they still hold that fucking grudge against you. I fucking hate it when that happens.

I'm just human, please allow me space to be one. I do get tired when any friends of mine get shitty. I know the right thing to do is to bear with it, be more empathetic, don't bad mouth them and all that shit. But yeah, I'm just human, and I get fucking tired when I get bombarded with bullshit. I know you do too. I love myself, I should love myself more. I'm trying to remain strong, for myself... and for my loved ones.

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