Friday, May 20, 2011

F ing Long monologue

Sometimes, I just feel so hollow inside. This feeling comes at the end of the day. After so long, always keeping my chin up, my spirits up, telling myself that everything's gonna be alright, that life is gonna be fine and dandy, I'm gonna be mighty happy, etc. At the end of the day, I think I just run out of this positive energy, and come back home to that hollowness. I'm thinking like, she's gonna be fine, she has her boyfriend to turn to after all this. He's fine, he could go home to his parents and talk to them. Etc. Sometimes, I just feel like I don't really have anyone to turn to. I hate it when that hollow feeling comes along.. and I have to face it alone. It may be my fault, that I'm all alone like this. Well, I did reject people who could have offered me loads of love and compassion, but what do I have to give in return? Do I have to force myself to love that person, when my feelings are just as un romantic as can be. I just feel so bad, for rejecting, and for not allowing people like that in my life. But what if, when the feelings aren't mutual? Is it fair? I try so hard to keep my spirits up, no matter how alone I am. I do learn from my stupid mistakes, let people in. But still, I keep that distance, when I don't want to lead someone on. But as for friends, I let them in as much as I can, as many of them as I can :) I love being surrounded by my friends. As for my love life, I think this is karma for me. The person that I have strong feelings for, well I think he's rejecting me. How fucking sad is that. The sole reason why I avoid repeating the reckless mistakes that I did in the past. I don't want to hurt others, definitely not let myself get hurt, especially because of karma. But I guess I still have my dues to pay, and this hurt will keep going on, until the people that I have hurt in the past, are finally satisfied. But honestly, I think that is kinda low, sinking down to that spiteful level. What the fuck. I miss him. The person that I have strong feelings for. A strong voice that keeps saying in my head, "Why hurt, when we can heal?". Yeah, why hurt, when we can fucking heal. It's really pointless, just destructive. To let whatever emotional baggage, whatever past that's still haunting you, to prevent you from moving forward and finding a happier place in life. To open yourself up to that brand new person, who could be the one who will lift you out of your fucking misery. Why can't we just let it in? I'll say. No to letting those barriers bringing us down. Hell, I miss you so much. I don't like the direction that we're heading at. What did I do to make you treat me that way? Sometimes I wish that it's so much easier to know. I think I may have done something wrong, to make him think those things. I dunno, I just hate that I fucking ponder too much. Ha. Another reason why I like to be surrounded by my friends. There'll be no room for any voices inside my head. It'll just be real life, real people. I hate being plugged into the wall. Haha. Oh crap, how I wish I had my pc here. Then I can really do something productive with it. My laptop is really f ing lame. Not much 'awesomeness' I can do with it. Hmm. Maybe tonight, I'll give myself an orgasm and put myself to sleep with a bedtime story. Harry Potter. Hahaha. Man I sound so fucking gross. Give myself an orgasm, really? Haha.

So these next two days, I've got something planned out for myself. No really, I hate that ominous feeling of having nothing to do. Well, he's away, apparently, for what reason, I have no idea. But I think he's just spending time with family (trynna be reasonable and calm here. shut up bitch. lol.) which I'm happy for him. Hey, at least we still have our families here. Well, I hang out with mine as much as I can. Even though we don't really open up that much to each other, except maybe on a superficial level. I am very close to my little sister, which I'm thankful for. Who knows how lonely it can be, if I totally don't have anyone I can be really close to. She's a great kid. I wish the best for her future. Definitely none of my emo ness. Shit, I get sidetracked too easily don't I. Back to my current plans. Well there's this After Effects thing that I'm gonna go to. Gonna meet lots of interesting and friendly people, I hope. Hell, I wanna try my hand at this networking thing. Building up relationships and getting a move on in this industry. Well, I did some back then, but it just isn't enough. Inspired by some wonderful people, him too, to take bigger steps forward. And the next day, well dad keeps insisting that I go to this career fair. Why shouldn't I, anyways. Better get out there, anything's better than staying at home. Hell, I hate staying at home. aand maybe, I'll get my new friend to take me to a reggae bar that he's been talking about. Lol. a reggae bar. I'm so curious. But if he tries anything on me, I'll drop some aikido or just some other maneuver. Hmm, if you're thinking that I'm leading him on, well I don't know. Am I? Doing so by going to a reggae bar with him? I honestly don't have any romantic feelings for him.. except like a brotherly bond thing. sounds lame yeah. but whatever. smoke shisha and shit. just chilling out to some reggae. ha. but if by doing this, if I would be leading him on, then I won't do it. it's really not worth it, man. leading someone on.. when all you have in mind is just something plain and simple. just something to do to while those lonely days away. Nah, I won't be too selfish. leading people on. pffft. I know I hate being lead on. Hell, I hope that person I have strong feelings for, was never leading me on :( just for his selfish desires :( no, no no. I dunno, I just got this vibe that he was talking meanly to me recently. which made me f ing sad, if it were true. I dunno. what did I do ?? :( I didn't mean to hurt him. man, why do I fucking think too much. ha. I need to go out soon! which I will ^^ tomorrow and tomorrow after tomorrow.

I miss you, love. Come back to me when you're feeling alright. I'll always be here for you. especially when you're not fucking okay :) Just, don't leave me hanging there, wondering what's wrong. God knows how much I think. Haha. Reminds me of that russel peters video I shared, 'Women are thinkers'. Oh god, I can't even stand myself. But yeah, sometimes to calm down my messed up mind, I just think of the moments that made me really happy. Like the times we spent together, those definitely made me happy. I don't know what's going on over at your side, things seem pretty down recently. You seem pretty dissatisfied with something. Could that have been partly my fault? It makes me sad, wish I could help make things better. Why hurt, when you can heal, right. I guess you're not the type, to let someone in on your problems that easily. Hang in there. But thinking back to the beginnings, those are really some happy times. Good times, man. I know, you've let me in on the really bad past that you've had. I mean, come on, that long, and still hurting? All I can do is be there for you when you need it. That's it. Nothing I can force you to do, or some shit. Hell, of all things, I want to avoid being clingy. I'm sorry I disturbed you. Clingy-ness, how embarrassing. I'll stop now. Mmyeah. Shit, I need to get out soon. But first, I'll read up on some memories that made me happy, and a certain photo that made Me happy. Like hell I need to cheer up. And tomorrow, new business partners, friends, etc. ^^

Please. Don't criticize me, especially regarding petty matters. It just shows how dissatisfied you are with yourself. Just gotta pick on someone else, eh.

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