Note to self:
Mi corazon, you got to save yourself from this black hole. this, ugly abyss which is in your head. no seriously, your mind is a black hole. if you do not save yourself from it, well. but really, i'm worried about you. especially with your health failing, and shit. You have been pretty ill for almost a week now. I worry for you, love. And why do you let yourself get hurt by others?
I don't know. Sometimes I'm just at a loss, as to why I do the things I do. Honestly, I don't have anyone to really talk to in real life. I guess we all have to learn to deal with it, eh. Sometimes, I just feel like doing some crazy stuff, just to forget the horrible realities of life. Well, I actually did some crazy stuff. Some I regret, some I store in my memory, just to bring them up whenever I need something to laugh at. haha. But basically, whenever I do anything crazy, it is as if I am in a trance. Stoned, dazed. And I just keep goin. Haha, I guess it's a good thing, to be a great sport, especially when hanging out. Attracting the company of others. Man, I don't ever want to be alone.
When I look at some really old photos, memories of way back then, it just feels so fucking surreal. Somehow, it gives me that feeling to commit suicide. Weird huh. I feel so fucking alone. Like, where has everyone gone to? Mama? Sure, some of my friends, we remain good friends till today. But, it just isn't the same, yknow. Family love. Sigh. A wise friend said it's time for me to find a new shell. I guess that's why, on a subconscious level, I have always been looking for someone, even though I always vow to stop. Heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak, after fucking heartbreak. Unwillingly putting myself through that shit. Haha. fuck, I'm being too dramatic. enough. shut up. :). But yeah, it made me so happy when I was with him. Life felt so fulfilling, secure. I felt invincible, like I could go through this life after all, and I could finally leave behind all those negative and suicidal thoughts. No matter what obstacles and barriers come at me, I could face them all, with renewed strength. Finally, someone I could share all my happiness with, and someone I would do anything for. That feeling like, someone I could finally curl up with, after a fucking exhausting journey through hell. I guess it's that state of mind that I was looking for. And it doesn't take just anyone to give me that state of mind. It takes that special someone. That can never happen with just anyone. obviously. Man, I miss him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I do. But yeah, it makes me happy just recalling how happy he made me. It's such a shame that it is no more. I miss you, hun. I don't fucking care about anything else. Throw away your insecurities. I shall be your superwoman, like how you were my superman. haha metaphors. But really, when you found someone so.... who just fits so well, would you let that person go easily? Let go without some sort of a fight? haha. so fucking dramatic. you so funny. Drama queen, baby. Man, I really need to get to my pc a.s.a.p. to get ahead on my work. I can't stay like this. shit, shit, shit. Anyways, back to what I was talking about, when you found that special person. How can you be so sure, that that person really is the one you have been looking for? I dunno about you, but I really felt something different with him. Which is what has been tearing me apart, sorta. (here I go again, with being over dramatic -_-). It just feels different with him, compared to the guys that I have been with. The kind of different that I like. It makes me sad, why things have to turn ugly like how it has now. Red flag? I dunno. Anyways, I don't want to write anymore about the negatives. I wanna keep writing about what makes me happy. Awyeah, self indulgence in writing. How he fucking made me happy yeah. I've run out of things to write. Hah. Maybe another time. Anyways, fucking before marriage, well it just fucks things up. Which is why I don't wanna do it. I want us to last. And I see how it fucks things up for other unmarried couples. Although there are a few exceptions. I can think of only one couple at the moment, though. They're already like a married couple anyways. I'm glad for my friends who are exempted from this. As for me, I don't wanna fucking risk it. Man, I miss you, mi corazon. I shall be here for you, if you need me. Talk about being clueless, eh. Blindly holding out for that one person. Hahaha. you so fucking funny. I'm glad for online comedy radios. Comedy 24/7. Just cheers me up, thank you!