still hangin on

I'm holding out a little longer just for you guys. I'm at a really confused state right now. I don't know whether I'm at fault, or is it you guys for being too biased, or just a situation mishap (where such stressful conditions have changed me a lot). But really, I'm sure I can take it, if only I don't have to go through this alone. Yes, so far I've gone through this pretty much alone. Trying so hard to love myself and shit. But really, it doesn't feel real. Trying to love yourself? I dunno. I'm just fucking tired of going through this alone. Screw all the, you have been dealt with these cards, so go with it. I'm sick and tired of bullshit. So, finding love and support from others eh? Family, not really except maybe occasionally. Friends, well they've got their own problems and I'm not that close with anyone. Loved one, don't count on it. I'm not even sure where we're standing at. Never mind, all that aside, I don't know how long I'm gonna last. 1 more day till I'm actually free to kill myself, once and for all. If I weren't as responsible, I would have done it a long time ago. But I'm still here, fighting for my sanity and my life, just so I can get my team mates through to the finish line. Of course, they are unaware of my suicide plans. But they give me more reason to go through with it, and also to hang on to dear life. Haha. What a bunch of irony. This is shit madness.