Saturday, May 14, 2011

What is my next move?

oh godd, i need to maximize the potentials of my looks. haha i know it sounds vain, but i feel that it is imperative that i need to improve on that as well, now that i feel like i've embarked on the path of improving my personality and social skills. haha i need to get the whole package done now. the road to a  better life.. happier surroundings. especially surrounded by the right people. don't wanna attract negative energy now, would we? i have never been one to let myself get bogged down by depressing situations or people. even if it does happen to me, i'm always finding some way to get myself out of it.. or coping with it. sigh.

man, i'm constantly fighting for my life. you know, these depressive and suicidal voices in my head, are constantly trying to pull me down. yeah, sometimes i do succumb to it, my breaking moments.. cutting myself and shit. but then, i come out of it, like i have been woken up from a really bad dream. i'm always like, damn, how did i get to such a low point? i know i have so much potential, so much to live for, so why do i always get so depressed and fucking suicidal? it feels so surreal. but yeah, at the end of the day, love prevails. love for myself, and love for others. even if I get so fucking suicidal at times, even if I break down so horribly at times. sometimes it feels like i could view myself as a third person, whenever i get those shitty breakdowns. i can say that, it's so not me! but yeah, i'm constantly fighting for my life. fighting for a better and happier life. it's just this shitty inner struggle that i somehow seem to get caught up in. i wish life was easier, without these constant inner struggle with myself. but yeah, god willing that i can get there someday.. to that happy place. and stay there forever. i read somewhere, that it's all about the journey, and making it a happy one. instead of chasing that one thing. so yeah, i am trying to turn this journey around, making it a happier one. i do feel like i'm there at times, really happy and stuff, but now it's all about maintaining it. and not letting my dark side take over me, my psyche.

okay, back to maximizing the potentials of my looks. haha. what can I do? it's high time for a physical make over. but what do I do? haha. I do put on some makeup at times, nothing too drastic. just going for the semi natural look.. ha. but I feel like I need a new set of clothes. and probably fix my side bangs. I like my long hair already :) mmmm, if I had more cash on me, I'd definitely go on a shopping spree. right. now. so fucking bored, and boring at the moment. ughhh. Now that our final year project is over.. more or less. Still a few mini jobs to do here and there. But no more of those extremely chaotic times. Now is the perfect time to go shopping. But bloody hell, I've blown off quite an amount of cash these past few days, having dinner with my 'extravagant' friends. Haha. Dammit. But yeah, it was worth it. Just wish I had some more so that I could go shopping today. Sigh. I miss the shopping sprees that I had back when I was a teenager. haha. I'm definitely gonna appreciate money more, now that things have changed around here. Plans, plans, plans. I gotta make a move to get more cash flow. But today, is really an off day. It's down time. Fucking hot afternoon. No more chaotic work. Ha. I need to get my fucking pc back. So that I can do my so called, magic. Ha.

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