Oh my dear, I hope you really are alright over there, where you're at. I'm always missing you, though I have a feeling that you're still missing her more than I'm missing you. Or maybe it's just that I don't exactly know what I'm talking about. I do have exes with whom I share cherished memories, but I have learnt to protect myself. You know, not holding on to them with such a tight grip. Sure, it was hard at first, it really broke me down to the core.. but I loved myself more and I didn't want to let myself stay hurt. I needed to heal as soon as I can. It broke me down to the core, but from that stripping me down to the core, I emerged from that hell and created a new me. I do look back on those memories, but now, I can look back at them with my feelings held at a distance. I have made my peace with them, and what's left is a loving memory, with all the negative and hurtful emotions cut out. I'm a much wiser person today, than I was before, and I'm thankful for what I've been through. I would love to give you that ultimate gift, of coming out on the other side, reborn and much wiser. There's so much we can do with that gift. But I guess you need more time for your pain and hurt...edness. Nevermind, we all learn in our own pace. I have an acquaintance who cuts me down, whenever I go all, "Nevermind, something something..". But hey, why be so aggressive and abrasive, blundering and blinded by your emotions and stress, when you can maintain your poise, keep a level head and hit the target spot on? It's all about staying calm and focused. So don't underestimate my motives when I seem to appear 'nonchalant'. You know bullshit. ha.
Man, I'm feeling so calm and relaxed at the moment. It's so odd. But I guess that is expected. I was extremely suicidal and fucking depressed this afternoon. Seriously considering my suicide plans. Lol, what a hoot. I guess it's just the tiredness, lack of sleep, working too hard for days on end. Yoe was right about that though. Haha. I never seem to realize that they're just fleeting emotions, and I should never take them seriously. It's just the friggin tiredness. Man I really do cherish the people in my life. They're my lifeline, whenever they're around. I would literally die if I was really alone in this world, if everyone I cared for died and left me all alone in this world. I never want to voluntarily open up the can of worms that I was feeling this afternoon. It was really horrible. I'd like to hold on to this current state of mind.
They say that if you love what you do, you'd never feel like you have to work for even a day in your life. I realize that I love what I do, but I will love it less if my emotions aren't taken care of. It's like, I can't depend solely on my work to give me happiness. Life would feel so empty if I constantly try to find happiness only in my work. Life is multi-faceted. I am not inhuman enough, to only find happiness in my work. I need my friends, my love, family. Need love from them too. If it is only work, life would feel like it is missing something.
I'm feeling so calm and relaxed, I'm afraid I might use them up too quickly. Take it slow, baby girl. ahha.
Dammit, I need to learn to build up my fort of protection around me. I need to have a MUCH much thicker skin than what I currently have. Not get swayed by the bad aura's that they're projecting unto me. Especially from people who don't understand my working method, and try to force their beliefs unto me. I mean come on, I always guarantee the outcome, though I need time to re energize. I realize that my suicidal feelings nowadays mostly come from them, and how they're treating me. They seem to be happy and content when I have my nose so close to the grinder, when they're more relaxed than I am. Sleeping when I'm working, and what not. But they seem to be miserable when I seem to be in a relaxed state. They're only happy when I'm fucking stressed out and working harder than those motherfuckers. Sure, they congratulate me when I do that. But what is it worth? My sanity, just for their stupid praises? I will do work my way, don't give a damn about their thoughts and feelings. But still, keep my promise for that final project's outcome. Okay, maybe I'm being a dickhead. Am I? I'm heading out now. Haha. Just remember to stay strong. and I love you :)