Monday, June 27, 2011

So... a few hours in the shrink's room

I'm done with my old, reckless self. Well, I admit I used to do stupid things back then.. really stupid. You wouldn't believe that it was me. Hahaha. But hey, now that I've been through all of that shit, I'm done with em. Haha. I guess it's just one of those things you gotta get out of your system... once you've experienced how horribly it could mess with your head. And that you've learnt it's totally not worth it, just because you have some other issues that you need to overcome. Heh. Well there are other ways to overcome problems in life, and I'm glad to say that I'm on my way to totally overcoming them all with a 'clean' slate. Pretty much. Good, clean fun. Nothing totally destructive and mind fucking. I guess for me, experience is a really good teacher. Heck, it may even be the best teacher for me. It's alright, since I always learn to deal with the bad things in life... eventually. And not get totally destroyed. Anyway, it always makes me a stronger person.. in the long run. with a rock hard wall of protection. Hahaha. No really, I'm sorry that I'm such a stone cold person.. you know, heartless and shit. One who doesn't seem to be easily touched by furry bunnies and couples holding hands. But hey, isn't that what you need around you, when it's pretty much 90% of the time that you're gonna come across a creep or a jerk, or something along the same line. It's just self defense, baby. Learning to live life and enjoy it to the max. But of course, there are still principles that I hold on to.. such as not using a person, playing with their heart and shit. Just an example among the others that I still hold close to my heart. I may have changed / 'grown up', but there's just a part of me that would be devastated if I let go of the things that I grew up with - the values that I have been taught, etc. But if a certain someone(s) does hurt me, I'm sorry but I just have to set free the monster within me. I don't take it well, when someone really hurts me, or any of the people that I care about.

so one thing that I pride myself on, is forgetting stuff. as in, those memories that could be deadly for my sanity, i find that i could forget them completely. it does feel weird though, sometimes when someone asks me about something, and they go like, 'don't you remember?'. and i'm at a total loss about what they're on about. just completely erased, blank. feels surreal sometimes too. like i could go through such a huge thing, and it's been completely wiped out from my memory. well, that is good for my sanity, especially when it comes to ex boyfriends and similar shit, losing people in my life, or anything devastating. amnesia. slightly. but yes, it has made me into a cold hearted person (when it comes to any type of human bonding), a heart of stone. untouchable. sweet words, sweet promises, just bounce off me. I never really take them in. It's just too horrible you know.. Seems like every time I let anything in, I will get hurt in the end.. eventually. So yeah, most of the time, those words just bounce off my conscience. I don't really take them in. It's hard to let myself get in too deep. You know what's even harder, is to stop myself from getting in too deep. Because of that annoying little part of me that still wants to believe, that annoying little part that 'falls prey to the human condition' (taken from All That Remains' The Weak Willed. heh). Because like hell, I already know I'm a hopeless romantic. So lets not make it worse, by falling for every fucking sweet word that I hear. Anyways, I try not to do that amnesia thing when it comes to important stuff, like work. but maybe yes, when it comes to rejection in my work? Haha. ha. man, I'm probably gonna remain alone, you know. But, I'm not gonna grow old alone. I'm gonna die young, hey. Live life in the fast lane, enjoy life to the fullest, fulfill your deeds towards others (no more unfinished business, make sure everyone is happy with what I've got to offer to them) and then, I shall die young. End of story. That way, I won't be living a life that's too selfish. I'll still help others with their problems. Hahaha. Hilarious shit. You wouldn't know if I'm just joking in this stupid blog post. A fucking sick joke, though. trololololol. You know, the weird thing is, why is it that when I re read this thing, it's in the voice of Ross from FRIENDS? Haha.

So I don't need booze to get drunk.. or drugs. I'm already unhinged, even in my natural state. Funny. Some people may find me funny, (eh, they do say so, sometimes) but I'm just fucking tired with the fucked up ness of life. Just my way of easing the pain, confusion or whatever shit, a little at a time. Helping myself, and others. Fucking crazy bitch, at your service. Hahaha. Oh my, what a load of self loathing I sense. It is time for my rest, crazy day today (up in my head. haha). Some bed rest and 'beauty' sleep should do the trick. Okay then, I'm gonna bounce outta here. Goodnight

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