Thursday, July 14, 2011

blasted ranting. don't bother to read. you won't get it anyways

Sometimes I wish they would just talk about something else for a change. They, as in, parents, aunts and uncles.. and maybe some peers who are demented too. But I'm talking about my parents here, my dad to be precise. You know, it would be nice if the topic were something other than the usual: job, interview, etc. It's like there's nothing else to talk about. And what more, those are depressing subjects. I think, it's about time when I'll get influenced and do that to other people. Talk about the same shit over and over again. No other topic in mind. Like a robot. A flipping robot. And what's more, boring and depressing topics. Nobody would ever want to talk to me ever again, because that's all the shit that I ever talk about. Anyways, even if I do get a flipping job, the talk won't stray either, it'll be a different take on the same bleeping topic. I hate talking to my parents, to tell you the truth. Wish I could talk to them about some other thing. So yeah, I'm stuck up here. I think in the back of my mind, I feel like if I actually went to get my dinner, I would owe him big time. Oh and another confession, I actually shoplifted because of dad too. I dunno, some mental thing going on back then I think, and going on strike due to not wanting to take anymore of his money, because I asked too much to pay for my course fees. Yeah, I should have gotten a job. No, I should have gotten the loan. But back then when my course mates took a loan, and I asked him, should I take it too, since everyone else was, he said there was no need. And then, he started making it out like it's my fault that there's so much to pay for, when I already asked him earlier so that I could take the fucking loan. And yeah, so that lead to the hunger strike, the delinquency strike. Not that he knows of any of the shit I go through. I guess it's just my way of punishing myself for being stuck with such a family. Twisted reasoning? You bet. Haha. Whatever, I'm just speed ranting. There's a lot I put myself through, you know, when things get lousy at home. But it doesn't affect them in any way, just affects myself, A LOT. Not that I care. But I guess it's just my way of testing my boundaries, my limits. Punishing myself for being in whatever bleeping situation that I was in.

You know, they didn't have to make it harder than it is. Like as if I'm not doing any shit to get a fucking job, or whatever problem it is that they're currently picking at me. I dunno, I feel bad writing that down, just feels better to be fucking vague, not targeting specific people in my life. Anyways, yeah it's bad enough with them reminding me of my failures, talking to me like as if I'm on a holiday doing nothing to get a move on. Remember when I went through my internship? They were so happy about it, proud of me, I think. But that was one of the hellish experiences I had in life. There was this bunch of horrible people there, but I just went through that shit. I did it all because of Them. Not that they'd ever know of my sufferings, I doubt they'll care that much anyways. Probably would just tell me to suck it up, it's not our problem, that's life, etc etc. Yeah, they're not too good for moral support. Anyways, I'm used to shit, being alone. Not having moral support, etc etc. They do support me when it's all for making myself suffer though. It's like it makes them happier. Like when I'm selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and successes. I'm pretty sure they'll be happy about that. Eh, maybe I'm just exaggerating. Hahahahahahhaha. Maybe I should try the alternative of selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for money and success. Since life has been going down the shit lane currently anyways. Just to shut them up. There's one thing that I notice about my life is that, whenever I'm at my worst sufferings, they seem to be the happiest. They're all like, good for you, working hard, etc. I wish they could just be happy for me being happy, for once. One thing I noticed, all this negative attitude towards life, it stems from them, really. If I were left on my own, I would have been a thoroughly positive person. I was, when I wasn't anywhere near them for long periods of time. And she said I shouldn't blame them for my shortcomings. Ha. I did much better when I was on my own. Anyways, I'm kinda getting the vibe that my ranting's becoming more and more nonsensical, although there are grains of truth among all that nonsense. Oh yeah, hunger, it always reminds me of some issue issuing from Them. Hunger reminds me of Them. That is bad, isn't it? But of course, that is nobody's concern. that will forever be kept to myself. Nobody will know, because I know nobody will give a shit. But yeah, hunger will always remind me of college and dad, in a negative way. I'm just being brutally honest here. I think God must hate me, because he's punishing me by giving me a hard time in life, wherever I go, whatever I do. He must hate me because I hate (either of) my parents (even if on a subconscious level). Yep, I'm just a wretched mortal, doomed to an eternity of suffering... on Earth and in the afterlife. I'm just being fucking cynical here. And no, I'm not gonna be having my dinner at all, I'll let that greedy pig finish it all off. I have a strong feeling that the other He will definitely feel like I owe him for that, if I ever laid out a hand for a slice. Like I don't owe him so many other things after these accumulated years. But yeah, I've always had this rough idea laid out, that if I ever do get a job, I'll definitely pay him back for everything that has been spent on me. That's one of the debts I'll be getting out of. Next is the loan that I applied for. So those two are the hugest debts that I'll have to get myself out of. You think why would a daughter think that she owes her father all the things in life that she had? Because he told her so. And I intend to pay off my debts. And I think God is angry at me for thinking that. Which is why I'm having such a hard time for this. But how can I not think that, when I have been treated that way? Maybe I should, be a saint. It's odd that I feel like to handle all of this in a patient and positive manner, being the bigger 'man', that it would kill me. Maybe I really have a black, tainted soul, that the prospect of doing good, being the bigger person, would actually kill me. Haha. Sorry. I must be really evil on the inside for laughing about this.

Anyways, I have always been testing my limits, to withstand the shit in life. I purposedly put myself in danger, whether physical or mental, just to see how bad I would crash and burn. Secretly, I've always wished for myself to perish soon. But something keeps me from perishing. I guess it's a luxury I don't deserve, and that I'm being kept here longer, so that I would suffer some more. SO yeah, putting myself in danger. I don't really care for my well being. I just wanna test my limits. Gaze in wonder and sometimes in amusement, at the fucked up situations that I intentionally land myself into. I have a collection of bullshit and lessons that could be learnt, for other wisemen to learn from this fool. I don't mind sharing the things that I've learnt. I get friends that way. Haha. Who wouldn't want to talk to a loser who has been through so much shit. Anyways, yeah, crashing and burning every time. But never perishing. It ends up making me stronger, so that it's harder to perish the next time. .....

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