Saturday, November 26, 2011

loneliness is a dangerous thing

My thread of sanity has been thinning lately. So I have been off the bender last night, the worst one yet so far. But I think I'm much better, getting out of it today. Plus, this great guy talked me out of it. So patient. But I think I'm gonna lay off of him for a while. Too much of me can't be good. I have a feeling that I may have driven him off with this extreme side of me.

It's a pretty tough mindset to get into, being all on my own, miss independent. I mean, I was like that once, but then I fell in love, and it slowly chipped away. Now I'm just trying to get back into that going solo mindset, seems like what's best for me. Most importantly, being happy with it. I was happy with it. Now I just need to get back to where I was. I tried to venture out, take a chance, but I got burned badly. I guess I'm just going back into what was foolproof and safe for me.

60 sleeping pills, it's crazy. Herbal pills, so it was basically like chomping down a whole load of vegetables. Didn't really give me that sleepiness that I was looking for, just made me slightly drowsy. Useless shit.

Sometimes, I wish with all my heart that someone could come along and save me. But I know that wish is futile. Because only I could save myself. Sad thing really, because I need to be strong to be able to do that. To save myself. Pray.

Okay, so what I have been thinking about this guy. He is obviously still in love with his ex, and is just using me to simulate those feelings that he had with her. So basically he's taking care of me so that he could always have an outlet to get those simulated feelings. As for me, I guess I was weaker and actually fell for him. As in, this whole shindig meant more to me than it does for him, because in his mind, well his mind is already somewhere else, a much better place that he has been to. So yeah, I guess that is one of the reasons, the many piled up reasons that made me extremely suicidal. And it just needed that one small thing to tip me off the edge. In my normal state of mind, I could be cool with this whole shitfest that I have with him. But when I look at it, REALLY look at the whole scenario, all bare truth, it's enough to drive me insane. Especially with other shit going on in my life. Just the fact that I actually got myself into such a situation, breaks my heart.

I'm so bored, nothing interesting to do, no motivation to do anything else. I'm afraid that if I sleep, I'll only give myself a headache and an extremely shitty 'rest of the day'. Like what happened yesterday, which eventually drove me to go out, far away from home. Only to get a bottle of sleeping pills and finishing it all up when I got home. Trying so hard to sleep with that horrible headache that I got from walking in the rain. And that's all because of a bunch of people who cancelled their plans with me.. One cancellation after another. Last minute cancellations which left me with nothing interesting to do. I guess I am a free spirit who needs to go out and see the world, otherwise I would kill myself if forced to be caged in.

I always HATED it when people cancel on me. Hate it even more when it's done last minute. One time too many, it'll drive me crazy. Makes me start thinking about what is wrong with me.

Hey, a random idea just hit me, what if I went to KLCC, just for kicks. LOL. Get all pretty and dressed up, check out the stuff on sale. Basically scouting out the grounds. Going there alone, of course. Must not invite anyone else along, or they'll only break my heart by cancelling on me at the very last minute and leave me hanging out to dry. Sometimes I do wonder if these dickheads do it to me on purpose. But then, I must not blow things out of proportion. And it's their loss that they wanna be a sourpuss. For all I know, I could be the one who's doing something wrong. But what is it? One question I've always wondered. K then I must get going before the darn rain starts falling heavily.

Cheers to being miss independent and being happy flying solo!

I love me. Love thyself.

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