Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Stuck in a Horrible Rut

Should I try this? Being alone for a while, and not meeting new people. Just stay put even though I'm feeling fucking lonely. Sigh. This especially sucks when my girl friends are too busy to hang out. I don't wanna hang out with guys, but I guess the loneliness got pretty bad that I couldn't hold it together any longer. It's tough when my girl friends are busy. Sigh. Maybe I might as well be single since the boyfriend doesn't give a damn about me. I dunno I just feel like writing this all down without caring what you may think of me. I really need to get this off my chest, off my mind. So lonely. I know it's reached a bad point when these thoughts start infiltrating my dreams, leaving me restless after I wake up. I hate this. I hate it when people I care about are too busy. I should get busy too and never speak to them when I'm busy. Revenge is always satisfying. But with things like these, when I do it out of spite and hurt, it would still hurt me one way or another. And yet if I don't do it, I'll be terribly lonesome and bored. So what now? Should I just break up with him? Since its not doing any better for my life. Since I'm still just as lonely as ever even when we're in a so called relationship. The ideals of a relationship huh, I don't think anybody else would agree with the state that I'm in with mine either. Maybe I should just break up. We'll see, after the next cancellation of plans perhaps, or after a week or two of being ignored completely. Then I'll put this down in the books as one of the worst I've had to deal with. I won't initiate any communication with him, I want to see how he's going to behave. You know, after a day or two of silence, I fucking asked him how he was and he didn't even inquire how I was doing. He doesn't give a damn about me. I don't deserve ill treatment like this. I've been through so much only to put myself through this bullshit? I don't have parents who care to ask me how I was doing, so I won't put up with a so called boyfriend who doesn't give a damn about me either. Two or one more week and I'm fucking done. I'm not going to put up with this loneliness. If I'm going to be left alone for a long period of time, I might as well be fucking single and unattached to no one! If you're not going to care then let me self destruct on my own. I've become pretty damn good at it, with no one to rely on, let alone to fucking talk to. I normally do self destructive things because I get a sense of satisfaction from self harm. It's kind of a vengeful feeling that get when I hurt myself, normally it's harming myself mentally. Dunno, it's too twisted. But I'm so used to the pain and emptiness that it feels invigorating to inflict even more upon myself. I guess in the back of my tiny mind, if one person shows an ounce of caring, that'll completely melt away the reckless anger towards myself.

Haha I guess at this point, the only positive high that I can get is from my work. Which is why I'm thankful for every single busy day that I get. Because nothing else seems to go well.

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