Saturday, July 20, 2013

Enough Already!

I'm sick and tired of having not enough money most of the time. I'm sick of having to worry about budgets even for things that are basic. I'm sick of not getting a raise. I'm sick of losing my stuff. I'm sick of not earning enough money. I'm sick of being on shaky grounds with my faith. I'm sick of bad things that seem to target to happen to me only. I'm sick of this ex-friend who used me, because she keeps popping in and out of my life, disturbing my inner peace, raising the level of my negative thoughts, and the feeling that my problems and anxiety started after she used me for my money, but I managed to stop her before she influenced me to use my friends as well.

Most of all, lack of money is the root of my anxiety. I'm sick of this problem and feeling so alone in this. I want to earn more money, just to get one of life's problems out of the way, so I can concentrate on other more important issues. Money. I need to get it out of the way. I hate it. I want to get it over with and move on to other things in life. I'm sick of this, and the string of bad luck that has been happening to me.

And the hardest part? It's knowing that all of these problems are my own fault and that I can't turn back time to prevent any of them from happening. Knowing how incompetent I can be as a human being. Careless, naive, etc. Knowing that the damages are done, and the root of the problem is myself, the person that I am. I feel so wretched and helpless. And that is what pushes me forward to grow even more. But at times when things go wrong again, I start to fall apart again and start blaming myself, at what an extremely incompetent human being I am, for leading myself into this mess. Start hating on myself for creating trouble for myself. Perhaps that's why on a subconscious level, I keep people at a distance from me, because I don't want my incompetentness to affect them. Better contain this hazard within myself than let anyone feel the troubles that arise from it. I feel so toxic. Ha.

Sorry for this really cranky post, I just woke up only to find out I lost a note of cash.

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