Self Reminder

I have been on a personal mission, a mission to make myself more inhuman. Untouchable emotionally and unfazed by all the bullshit that humans come up with. I have been on it for almost 2 years I think, or was it since I was in my first year during college.. but recently I have been slacking and unintentionally let myself drown in the weakness that is the human emotion. Yes, in my twisted logic, succumbing to human feelings is weak. They make you lose sight of your focus, start daydreaming and remain contented, or they could drive you up the wall with insanity when those human feelings hurt you. And for what reason? They will only bring you down and deter you from your goals. One moment of faltering and I get dragged down. I shouldn't have. After so much hurt, I'm starting to remind myself to continue with this personal mission, all for a good reason too. I could go the distance, reach new heights.. fearless, unscathed. Well I might have some scars from the past, but I won't be letting any new memories scar me anymore. Some people say I'm really strong and admire me, some of them laugh at me because they say I'm just being stubborn. I'm just watching out for myself, because nobody else will do it. It's only you who have the full capacity of really taking care of and loving yourself. At times (especially recently), I noticed myself faltering from this personal mission, slowly melting and giving way for another person to get into my life, getting emotionally intimate. When that happens, shit always ensues. I'm left feeling really low, and the perpetrators never really take responsibility for their actions, nor do they value that honor of having someone let them into their lives. They kind of remind me of ungrateful little brats. Which is why it's obvious that this is such a time wasting endeavor if I were to go on with it. For what it's worth, I have awakened from this stupor and turned this into a valuable lesson from experience. Might as well use it to help me solidify my mission for this form of personal growth. More ammo to help me become stronger and emotionally withstanding. I'm already at peace with getting hurt, the more painful the better. I can't complain because with all that exposure, I'll learn more, faster. Yep, that has been one of my personal goals - to be unfazed by whatever that gets thrown at me. They can't hurt me anymore. Not any guys, not the harsh people, cruel people, etc. I'll be a block of stone, blissfully living in happiness. The world isn't just rainbows and sunshine. I know I have been really naive, living in comfort and security, so I gotta really toughen myself up if I wanna go out into the world. Mommy's skirt ain't there for me anymore to hide. Lol.

I'm gonna add more to this post, but got excited from chatting with a friend working in the same industry as I am. So gonna have breakfast and ciggies then dive into our money making plans doing what we love. This would be awesome. <3

Reaching for the Stars

My dream and goal is to be so good, that they'll want me abroad. Watching videos of successful people and doing the seemingly impossible sparks that inspiration in me. <3 and more specifically, as a 3D sculpting artist, or a digital painter. The latter would be so amazing because that would mean that I have achieved the dream that I've had ever since I was a little kid.

Electronic Zombie Updates

Been a long time since I actually wrote in here. So many things have happened, so many cool new things bought. For starters, I'm currently using my brand new iPhone to write this lonely blog post. Yes, I finally got an iPhone, haha! It's a 16GB iPhone 4. Got it at a much cheaper price from my babe's older sister. And yes, we are still together, although things do get rocky between us. We're still sticking together due to the happiness that we share throughout the hardships that we've been facing. The workstation in my room looks almost unrecognizable. So many new stuff I bought, with my money (I'm Proud to say). Its on it's way to looking like a full fledged design artist's work station, lol! I'm not there yet, not yet a highly paid artist working abroad, but I will make it come true soon enough. It's scary, thinking of all the things I have to go through first before I can fully make it. But God willing, I will! I'll be so happy that I finally got everything that I have ever wanted, and to be able to give back to my family, finally. Scary future. But hey, I have come back, with a written update on what my life has amounted to thus far. God willing I will write back with a much better update and pretty much everything on my life's checklist complete. Pray for me, pray for us all.

What now?

You know what, actually anything is possible.. it's scary. Think of what I wanna do and where I wanna go, I could make that happen. Just start, don't sit around.

Plans for the Road

Status: tired of reruns

so what to do? create my own epic adventure. how to do that? i got a sudden flash to just take up and leave. leave this all behind. go on a trip far away from all of this, all that i have known and gotten sick of. and maybe come back when i have truly missed them. go away somewhere, but what about money? i'm gonna bring my laptop, just so that i can stay connected. bring my guitar, so i can maybe use it to my advantage, generate some side income. but what i really want is to take off. leave. but money, how do i generate money, while i'm on the road? because i honestly feel like i can't take this anymore. i feel like i need to re write my life. a second chance at having a more enjoyable and fulfilling life. i'm thinking of inviting someone to join me in this escapade. and i think i know just the person who would most probably want this as much as i do. i tried calling him a moment ago, but he was sleeping. nevermind, i'll try again later.

but hell, i think it's selfish of me to leave my group mates behind. most probably gonna create another group of enemies who are gonna hate me for leaving them in the gutter. well last time, in school, i had a very good reason to do so. they were all leaving the work to me, taking on the ride. but still, i don't want to leave my current group mates in a mess. i still have a responsibility to help them through this sht. i can't leave right at this moment, but i can postpone it to until we get the job done. then i can leave all this f ed up sht behind. first things first. but this thought gives me hope. something to look forward to, for me to hold on to as i struggle with this current mess. it's a good motivation, though it's gonna take a lot of patience. i still have a responsibility to carry out. too bad. it's gonna take me about, 6 more months? i think. until all of this blows over. then i can escape.

i guess in the mean time, it gives me the opportunity to save up enough cash to get me started on this escapade. no really, i have this vision in my head, where i'm totally not stuck in one place, always on the move. far from monotony and depression. keeping busy and getting experience in many aspects of life. even in this state i've had several interesting experiences that are out of the norm. although some got me extremely down and feel extremely low. but that's part of the adventure. it's not always gonna be peachy.

A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.  - Euripides 

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. - Helen Keller

i'm not gonna be stuck in a job that chains me down in one place. and i'm definitely not gonna be homeless. to hell with that. i'm gonna change the course of my life, the way that it's going, and i'm gonna do it the smart way. i'm not going to be depressed by broken expectations anymore, haunted by past failures. infested with its reeking stench while staying here in the same place. so after our final group project, it's goodbye to everyone. and maybe we might meet someday on the road, if any one ever decides to take on a similar journey.

i'm gonna have to think this whole thing through again anyways. map out  more details, especially the necessities. i'm not going to get into this blindly.

Do not stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles.- Arab Proverb


haha what's up with me and quotes tonight.. okay here's the last one.

Courage consists not in blindly overlooking danger, but in seeing it, and conquering it. - Jean Paul Friedrich Richter 

top of the world (present post)

had a great christmas dinner last night. i never thought i'd feel the family connection again. you know, surrounded by family, lots of talking and laughter. it reminded me a bit of Meet the Robinsons. i guess i miss that feeling of being around family. at home, dad's not much of a socializer, my siblings, well they're still kids and all they wanna do is play online games and stuff. when mum's around, she's the one who got the family to be together and actually have a good time together. without her, it's just an awkward, forced feeling. i guess now i really feel the consequence of the divorce. like f. but last night was good, it's like stepping back into time, except that it's slightly different. my grandma's here in town with my cousin. and my uncle invited us to dinner with his family. dad was invited too. so it was a pretty good night, though with a lot of eating. i didn't eat that much though. but my little cousins were cute and funny. very different from being with the family from my dad's side. that felt really forced and awkward, for me. but with my mum's side, with people that i grew up knowing, that really felt like old times. it was a good christmas dinner. i guess that's why i love being around this group of friends in college. they remind me of that feeling of a family. except that it's not the same. when i'm hanging out with the other groups in college, i feel out of sorts. forced and all that. i like home. real home. that was a good christmas dinner.

so i'm watching The Social Network and i really miss that feeling of exclusivity and being an elite. i wanna climb back to the top. i need to work on my skills. too much depression has got me down, literally. i hate it. i want to get back on top. i don't want that suicidal feeling anymore. i want to be a great success. i guess that when you're on top, it's a long way down for the fall. now it's time for me to climb back up. and stay there this time. now that i've felt all the hardships of being at the bottom, i've learned my lessons. and i think i'm more prepared this time, to hold on to the top. wish me luck.

meditation is good for the soul (present post)

just finished a roughly 20 minute breathing meditation. i feel that my life has been too frazzled, especially up in my head. the mind with its countless thoughts, is like a mad monkey. i must learn to tame it. to stay calm, relaxed. to stay focused on one single thought at a time. focused in a laser sharp line towards whatever current task it is that i've set to do. it will be especially useful to have in my arsenal, when i'm doing my job. animation's really complicated, especially with all the side problems that will arise and all the other aspects that are related to it. emotional, technical, physical, etc. my dream is to be sort of a zen master. to stay calm and focused, no matter what other hassling distractions are around me. i cannot be sidetracked, i cannot let my thoughts and emotions break me down. i will need it when i'm in foreign lands for my career. i want to go far and i need to be zen. my mum did use to take yoga lessons and wanted me to come. but that was years ago, and i didn't really feel the need for it. and now, i really need it. so i'm learning it on my own. i guess this is just a journey that i need to take alone. okay, i'm off to the conference. third and last day.