So What's Been Going On?

Three days ago, the 'boyfriend' contacted me again after ages of silence, I guess that's because he knew that I'm going to be hanging out with our mutual friend, whom wanted to introduce me to his other bunch of crazy friends. He (the 'bf') finally said 'I love you', but that was just in writing. And also by that time I had no more feelings left towards him. So I didn't take anything he told me seriously.

I'll have to say the house party with my good friend, it was ace. There were girls as well. Loads of drinking. Loud music.

The day after, I met up with a new friend, this guy's super sweet and didn't try to take advantage of me. He bought me a gift even though it was just a first hang out, not a date. Super nice guy, and I should be careful, haha. The problem is, he's looking to settle down and he's 3 years younger than me. So that's a bit odd. And even if what he says is true, I really don't feel like settling down with someone 3 years younger than I am. It just doesn't settle well at all with my conscience. Sigh. An almost perfect guy comes along, and some pretty big issue gets in the way. If he wasn't younger than me, I would've agreed to be steady with him already. Hm right now I'm just telling him how I feel about all this but he still really doesn't wanna let go. I don't want to hurt him, by agreeing to be steady but not being in it 100% myself. So I just said I'll give it time, if time can change my mind about the age difference. But at this point, I think I'm just being a fucking dick and don't deserve a nice guy like him, for even letting the age gap become a factor in my decision. We shall see, time will tell, and in the meantime, I'll try my best not to hurt anybody. I think, I'll even accept it if he finds another girl who agrees to be steady with him. I think I may be relieved, because it would be an issue that's going to be cleared from my mind, even if it might mean that I'll feel hurt that I didn't get the nice guy, and he's with someone else already. I'll be the lone wolf that I used to be, still going on with my journey to improve myself, my state of life.

Next Stop?

So I have a brilliant new idea. I wanna try and score a job in New Zealand, after I'm done with my job here. Hehe, next stop, New Zealand, hopefully. I just wanna move somewhere colder, and looking at the vfx studios over there, looks like a lot of potential. Now I just gotta hone my skills based on their software requirements. Also the skills that I currently have seems like they would come to a lot of use for the companies that I'm looking at over there. Mmhm, time to keep improving my portfolio. I'm excited.

Mmhm

What do I want to achieve:

Reach the top of my game (my work, my physical appearance) so that nobody will ever compare me to my mother and say she is better than me.

Filter out and completely cut off the people who make me unhappy and those who instill negative thoughts in me.

Grow as a person on the inside. I want to reach that point where I can feel comfortable and happy on my own. Just be glad for every second of being alive.

Self Reminder

I have been on a personal mission, a mission to make myself more inhuman. Untouchable emotionally and unfazed by all the bullshit that humans come up with. I have been on it for almost 2 years I think, or was it since I was in my first year during college.. but recently I have been slacking and unintentionally let myself drown in the weakness that is the human emotion. Yes, in my twisted logic, succumbing to human feelings is weak. They make you lose sight of your focus, start daydreaming and remain contented, or they could drive you up the wall with insanity when those human feelings hurt you. And for what reason? They will only bring you down and deter you from your goals. One moment of faltering and I get dragged down. I shouldn't have. After so much hurt, I'm starting to remind myself to continue with this personal mission, all for a good reason too. I could go the distance, reach new heights.. fearless, unscathed. Well I might have some scars from the past, but I won't be letting any new memories scar me anymore. Some people say I'm really strong and admire me, some of them laugh at me because they say I'm just being stubborn. I'm just watching out for myself, because nobody else will do it. It's only you who have the full capacity of really taking care of and loving yourself. At times (especially recently), I noticed myself faltering from this personal mission, slowly melting and giving way for another person to get into my life, getting emotionally intimate. When that happens, shit always ensues. I'm left feeling really low, and the perpetrators never really take responsibility for their actions, nor do they value that honor of having someone let them into their lives. They kind of remind me of ungrateful little brats. Which is why it's obvious that this is such a time wasting endeavor if I were to go on with it. For what it's worth, I have awakened from this stupor and turned this into a valuable lesson from experience. Might as well use it to help me solidify my mission for this form of personal growth. More ammo to help me become stronger and emotionally withstanding. I'm already at peace with getting hurt, the more painful the better. I can't complain because with all that exposure, I'll learn more, faster. Yep, that has been one of my personal goals - to be unfazed by whatever that gets thrown at me. They can't hurt me anymore. Not any guys, not the harsh people, cruel people, etc. I'll be a block of stone, blissfully living in happiness. The world isn't just rainbows and sunshine. I know I have been really naive, living in comfort and security, so I gotta really toughen myself up if I wanna go out into the world. Mommy's skirt ain't there for me anymore to hide. Lol.

I'm gonna add more to this post, but got excited from chatting with a friend working in the same industry as I am. So gonna have breakfast and ciggies then dive into our money making plans doing what we love. This would be awesome. <3