Enough Already!

I'm sick and tired of having not enough money most of the time. I'm sick of having to worry about budgets even for things that are basic. I'm sick of not getting a raise. I'm sick of losing my stuff. I'm sick of not earning enough money. I'm sick of being on shaky grounds with my faith. I'm sick of bad things that seem to target to happen to me only. I'm sick of this ex-friend who used me, because she keeps popping in and out of my life, disturbing my inner peace, raising the level of my negative thoughts, and the feeling that my problems and anxiety started after she used me for my money, but I managed to stop her before she influenced me to use my friends as well.

Most of all, lack of money is the root of my anxiety. I'm sick of this problem and feeling so alone in this. I want to earn more money, just to get one of life's problems out of the way, so I can concentrate on other more important issues. Money. I need to get it out of the way. I hate it. I want to get it over with and move on to other things in life. I'm sick of this, and the string of bad luck that has been happening to me.

And the hardest part? It's knowing that all of these problems are my own fault and that I can't turn back time to prevent any of them from happening. Knowing how incompetent I can be as a human being. Careless, naive, etc. Knowing that the damages are done, and the root of the problem is myself, the person that I am. I feel so wretched and helpless. And that is what pushes me forward to grow even more. But at times when things go wrong again, I start to fall apart again and start blaming myself, at what an extremely incompetent human being I am, for leading myself into this mess. Start hating on myself for creating trouble for myself. Perhaps that's why on a subconscious level, I keep people at a distance from me, because I don't want my incompetentness to affect them. Better contain this hazard within myself than let anyone feel the troubles that arise from it. I feel so toxic. Ha.

Sorry for this really cranky post, I just woke up only to find out I lost a note of cash.

Balancing Act

I love what I'm doing nowadays. Starting up a business for money and social skills purposes, and learning visual effects for my interest and hobby. Balancing those two important things in my life.

Fuck You Paypal!

Yeah fuck you guys...

..for lousy service. I can't remove my bank account from my profile, and I can't just simply fucking close my account. I wanted to e-mail them directly for customer support, but nooooooo, they redirected my attempts to email them to an already existing FAQ, which redirects me to their ever so friendly customer message:

Accounts with limited access cannot be closed.

So yeah, I can't even fucking close my account, which still has my goddamn bank account linked to it. My bank account which I can never ever ever fucking use online because it's concretely tied to a compromised paypal account, an account which I cannot even close. What's the logic behind this anyway? The fact that they don't allow customers to close their account when it has been compromised. WHY?

Another argument is the "Help" database. So I clicked on a link for the answer on closing Paypal accounts. And this is what I got:

This answer is no longer available

We’re sorry, this answer is no longer available. We are updating this information and it should be available soon. Please check back or ask us another question in the Help Center.

Did we answer your question? Yes No

Hahaha fucking hilarious. How soon, is your soon, team Paypal? My account has been compromised since last year, so that was when I last checked and tried every other way to undo the mess that my compromised account has gotten into. This year, still no go? Boohoo. What is the matter with you guys.

With its seriously unreliable system, I hope more of their customers will find issues with them, so as to stop the usage of Paypal as the popular choice of online payment. I'm not too worried. The knots will come undone sooner or later. Serves them right.

Speaking of unsatisfied Paypal customers, I typed "Fuck you Paypal" into google just for fun, and it got this many hits in 0.25 seconds:

About 2,830,000 results


Won't be long now. Karma will find its way. A company offering better services will be taking over Paypal soon. As for the bad karma,  first and foremost, I'm targeting it to the pinhead whom has caused my account to be compromised and then its Paypal for being so uncooperative with situations like these. Talk about a year long grudge.

Seeing Red

So my dad was going on and on about me finding a job, now that the semester is finally over. he mentioned that if I didn't get the job that I was looking for, i would have to go through a management training program. Well, the very next day, I got a call from a bank (it's a very good one too, one of the largest in the region), and they wanted me to come for an interview for their most 'sought after' management training program. At first, I wondered if my dad had anything to do with this. Haha, well it's just such a coincidence. I asked her, wherever did you get my info? Especially since this is such a long shot from what I was applying for. Lol! She told me they got the resume that I submitted at a career fair. Alright. So I did my research on this program, prospects appear to be really good, interview stages seem to be tough though. Hmm, another challenge for me, eh? Why not. I'll give it my best shot, and see what happens. Hahaha. But hey, a new challenge + more money.. I'm all for it, baby. >:)

I still think it's such a funny coincidence. But really grateful that an opportunity like this comes my way :) From my research, many others applied for this and waited so long for a reply. I wasn't even applying for this, and I got the chance to go through an interview. An unexpected phone call. Life is sweet. <3

cheers to working out tomorrow

i'm so f in bored with my life right now, nobody to hang out with, that i'm just gonna do my work. at least it gives me a purpose to me in my life. man, i hope things will turn out so much better for me in the future. money, friends.. and maybe i might even go to the gym more often. i went yesterday, and it was good. today, my ab muscles are aching tho. haven't done the fencing workout for my abs in years. haha. in years. but working out at the gym did make me feel good yesterday. and today totally sucks. cuz the female session's in the morning, and i woke up late. it's f ing hard to get to sleep at night. sigh. i don't wanna go to the gym during the male session, i might get kicked out or something else bad happens. sigh. i wanna work out. i need the g damn endorphins. argh. maybe i should force myself to wake up earlier tomorrow. hm. i really should. here's cheers to working out tomorrow.

i want this!

happiness and starvation

so i've been working my ass off for my group project these past few days and been coming 'home' sleeping like a dead man. never thought i'd be this hard working for my 3D work, but i'm glad in a way that i'm beginning to reach this point. plus, i think i may have found my niche as a rigging artist. i've been wrecking my brains figuring so many technical stuff out and i'm glad to say that i manage to solve almost all of them. it's very rewarding you know, to work so hard at something and being alive to see them work out. i really hope that i can make it in this industry and get a job overseas.. finally not depending on anybody and finally getting that second eyebrow piercing that i promised myself, if i ever manage to get a job overseas, in my preferred countries. it's a long, tough road, but i have a feeling that i'm finally getting some headway along it. and i'm happy. :)

bad news is, i'm currently in starvation mode, because i don't have enough money in my bank account, to even withdraw from it. sigh. i can't ask from my friends, because, i dunno, it feels too weird to be asking from them like that. sigh. at least i still have some food left, before i get more money in. hopefully. sigh. it's funny huh, how quickly money can run out for me. i've been consciously saving up to hold back from spending too much of my funds, but they always seem to finish more quickly than i expected. :( :(  i guess i am a money eating machine. :( i don't really spend as much as my friends do, on leisurely stuff, except occasionally. but when i spend occasionally, which isn't as much as what others spend on their splurge sessions, my money runs out quickly. sigh. i guess i am very poor and can't even afford leisure. sigh. i hate myself for that. which is why, i really need to be a money making machine once i start working. even now, when i'm still studying. i f ing hate being poor. ask money from my parents? oh no no noo. unless it's for something important like college fees. other than that, i feel that it really is my own responsibility if my funds run out. it would be hard to ask them for money. sigh. :( i really hope all this suffering is a good omen for my happy future, filled with money and.. happiness.