A reckless disregard

What do you expect? I come from a line of blood thirsty ancestry. Head hunters, for ...'s sake. Lol! Although I may not be that crazy, but I love talking crazy.. just to see people's freaked out reactions. If they're gonna run off, too bad. Just shows the kind of people that I'd like to be around with. Basically I'm just testing the waters to see how much they could take. Because there would be times when I'll get tired of fucking playing it safe, so you'll have to be able to roll with me. I'm not too worried though, I do have friends whom I have identified to be able to roll with the punches. Birds of a feather. Awesome. But yeah, don't have to put up with the craziness all the time. It is only occasionally that I feel like really ripping it off. I'm not that bad of a nutcase.. or so I claim >:) . Sometimes I just feel so frustrated, I just let it all out. A reckless disregard of my sanity, safety, etc. And then, I'll be like, who the fuck was that? Was that fucker really me? And then I'm back to my normal, mellow self. Ha, yeah right. Am I really that mellow? I dunno. But once I stop seeing red, I go back to my normal self. Wondering, how did all that happen. Kind of funny, kind of a relief to let it all out. But yeah, I know what I'm getting myself into. Braced myself for the consequences. It leaves me fucking tired, man. But feels so great after. Fucking tired and fucking awesome.

And he said he was scared of hurting me. I think, he should be scared of what I could do. Lol. But yeah, I'm horrible like that. It's just that moment of temporary insanity, where I just grab the bull by the horns and come what may. I know its unhealthy, but.... I dunno. Just can't chain me down to subservience/conformity. I don't really care that much for myself. I know, I know, what a fucked up, negative thinking. I really should learn to settle down. Phew. Exhaustion. Danger. I need to feel fucking alive again.

My Crazy Angel

Scenario 1
You know, that real love you felt for someone? When there's that small feeling of anticipation, that teensy crush you have for someone, then that someone gives you the green light, and you find yourself immersed in those crazy, romantic feelings. Embraced it with arms wide open, obviously, and filling yourself up with those feelings. And there's no escape, you have been caught inside the tangled web of 'love'. You just gave yourself in to it. No fucking escape, man.

Scenario 2
You know you're safe, when you have that micro crush on someone, but it never leads to anywhere. Nobody gave any green light. You had your fun with that someone, maybe even tease yourselves into a somewhat 'romantic' indulgence. Just played around. Words of adoration exchanged, lightheartedly. And if that person decides to leave you, you couldn't fucking care less. Honestly felt nothing in your heart when that person runs off. There were no real feelings to begin with. And you were just amusing yourselves. Nothing to escape from, nothing to regret. Nobody lead anybody on. No feelings hurt, no hearts destroyed. Sweet.


What's my fucking point in writing about these two scenarios? I have no fucking idea. And I'm not even drunk. I wonder what I'll be like if I'm drunk for real. But I guess you should be more worried, if you're like this when you're not even drunk/stoned. Mental. "Screws up in your head loose." - Marshall Mathers.





And yes, I'm still your straight bitch. Biatch!