Giving Back

If it is time for you to step up to the plate, will you take it on and contribute? In a way, I feel good about being able to help my dad out with taking a car loan under my name, since he told me that he's unable to. You can never repay what your parents did for you when you were young and unable to support yourself. Although I didn't feel that the support lasted long, I'm still grateful for the years before, and the things that I'm unaware of in the years after. I wish I'm more aware of the more recent ones. Still, I'm glad to be given the opportunity to give back now. Alhamdulillah. I hope it all works out well and that I'm able to contribute in bigger ways.

Down, and Up Again

I reread the posts that I put up these past few days, and I can't deny that I seem to be losing it. It had been an all time low for me recently, and after today's extra rigorous gym session (because I felt pretty bad for pigging out and letting myself go of late), I'm feeling pretty high. Roller coaster mood swings. This can't be good.

So when I came home from work, my sister was doing her homework in the living room..

Me: Why are you talking to yourself?
Little Sister: Because it's fun!


Oh no. Does crazy run in the family? Like big sister, like little sister. Sigh. Lol.

On another note, I wish me and my brother were this close. We used to be kinda like two peas in a pod. I guess there was just too much sibling rivalry as we grew older, hence the distancing. Well, I know I'm ready to hash things out, so I guess I'll just wait for him to reach that stage as well. Teenagers. On the bright side, we can only grow older, not backwards. :)

Are They Awesome Or What?

It would be super cool if almost the whole family went white water rafting this Christmas. Still planning on it.

Off to where the grass is greener

So my grandparents are staying with us, at the moment. Followed us back. You know, me being an island on my own and shit, not really opening up to anyone. Well, I just had a talk with my grandmother, something I'm so not used to. You know, heart to heart talks. Maybe I did use to have it with mum, but that was another lifetime ago. Anyways. It was new for me, talking like that to anyone, after a long, long, long dry spell.

I will never kill myself. Commit suicide. Because it isn't worth it, to hurt the people that I really do care about. I've never really felt that, like words are just mere, empty words. But now I can truly mean those words that I said.

Okay, on another note. I'm pretty psyched about my new and improved portfolio. Here's to getting a highly paid job abroad. Yeah mann! God, please save me from my personal black hole.

Skipping down memory lane

Note to self:

Mi corazon, you got to save yourself from this black hole. this, ugly abyss which is in your head. no seriously, your mind is a black hole. if you do not save yourself from it, well. but really, i'm worried about you. especially with your health failing, and shit. You have been pretty ill for almost a week now. I worry for you, love. And why do you let yourself get hurt by others?

***
I don't know. Sometimes I'm just at a loss, as to why I do the things I do. Honestly, I don't have anyone to really talk to in real life. I guess we all have to learn to deal with it, eh. Sometimes, I just feel like doing some crazy stuff, just to forget the horrible realities of life. Well, I actually did some crazy stuff. Some I regret, some I store in my memory, just to bring them up whenever I need something to laugh at. haha. But basically, whenever I do anything crazy, it is as if I am in a trance. Stoned, dazed. And I just keep goin. Haha, I guess it's a good thing, to be a great sport, especially when hanging out. Attracting the company of others. Man, I don't ever want to be alone.

When I look at some really old photos, memories of way back then, it just feels so fucking surreal. Somehow, it gives me that feeling to commit suicide. Weird huh. I feel so fucking alone. Like, where has everyone gone to? Mama? Sure, some of my friends, we remain good friends till today. But, it just isn't the same, yknow. Family love. Sigh. A wise friend said it's time for me to find a new shell. I guess that's why, on a subconscious level, I have always been looking for someone, even though I always vow to stop. Heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak, after fucking heartbreak. Unwillingly putting myself through that shit. Haha. fuck, I'm being too dramatic. enough. shut up. :). But yeah, it made me so happy when I was with him. Life felt so fulfilling, secure. I felt invincible, like I could go through this life after all, and I could finally leave behind all those negative and suicidal thoughts. No matter what obstacles and barriers come at me, I could face them all, with renewed strength. Finally, someone I could share all my happiness with, and someone I would do anything for. That feeling like, someone I could finally curl up with, after a fucking exhausting journey through hell. I guess it's that state of mind that I was looking for. And it doesn't take just anyone to give me that state of mind. It takes that special someone. That can never happen with just anyone. obviously. Man, I miss him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I do. But yeah, it makes me happy just recalling how happy he made me. It's such a shame that it is no more. I miss you, hun. I don't fucking care about anything else. Throw away your insecurities. I shall be your superwoman, like how you were my superman. haha metaphors. But really, when you found someone so.... who just fits so well, would you let that person go easily? Let go without some sort of a fight? haha. so fucking dramatic. you so funny. Drama queen, baby. Man, I really need to get to my pc a.s.a.p. to get ahead on my work. I can't stay like this. shit, shit, shit. Anyways, back to what I was talking about, when you found that special person. How can you be so sure, that that person really is the one you have been looking for? I dunno about you, but I really felt something different with him. Which is what has been tearing me apart, sorta. (here I go again, with being over dramatic -_-). It just feels different with him, compared to the guys that I have been with. The kind of different that I like. It makes me sad, why things have to turn ugly like how it has now. Red flag? I dunno. Anyways, I don't want to write anymore about the negatives. I wanna keep writing about what makes me happy. Awyeah, self indulgence in writing. How he fucking made me happy yeah. I've run out of things to write. Hah. Maybe another time. Anyways, fucking before marriage, well it just fucks things up. Which is why I don't wanna do it. I want us to last. And I see how it fucks things up for other unmarried couples. Although there are a few exceptions. I can think of only one couple at the moment, though. They're already like a married couple anyways. I'm glad for my friends who are exempted from this. As for me, I don't wanna fucking risk it. Man, I miss you, mi corazon. I shall be here for you, if you need me. Talk about being clueless, eh. Blindly holding out for that one person. Hahaha. you so fucking funny. I'm glad for online comedy radios. Comedy 24/7. Just cheers me up, thank you!

dice necklace + polkadot dress

an auntie of mine posted a really old, black and white photo of a family member on facebook.. not sure who she is, i'm gonna ask my mum about it later. she's wearing this cool necklace made out of dice stringed together with a dress with tiny polkadots. i'm proud to have someone in the family that has a really unique sense of style and one that i like too. cool huh, that it runs in the family. lol. though she might be a far relative, but still, it's cool to see someone with that sort of taste, even way back then, and that we're related. lol. makes me proud to be part of such a family. haha. i should stop blabbering now.

not enough awesomeness (present post)

only 1? that's not enough to make me come.

so there's this gig coming up in college, organized by some of my course mates. the other bands playing are, so-so. not good enough, just, mediocre. pretty boring if you ask me. lol. that's not enough to make me bear with all those people who i'm not close with. i only really like 1 band, and that's Tilu. i dunno, i really like her music. it's not too overbearing, like most of the local bands are. maybe in the near future she will eventually become overbearing. ha. just like this MiloTheActor on YouTube, he used to be cool and funny. but now he's ridiculously overbearing and not funny. the growing number of fans must have gone to the animator's head.

-paragraph deleted-

although death is the lamest solution, sometimes i'm just wishing it would come very, very soon for me.

top of the world (present post)

had a great christmas dinner last night. i never thought i'd feel the family connection again. you know, surrounded by family, lots of talking and laughter. it reminded me a bit of Meet the Robinsons. i guess i miss that feeling of being around family. at home, dad's not much of a socializer, my siblings, well they're still kids and all they wanna do is play online games and stuff. when mum's around, she's the one who got the family to be together and actually have a good time together. without her, it's just an awkward, forced feeling. i guess now i really feel the consequence of the divorce. like f. but last night was good, it's like stepping back into time, except that it's slightly different. my grandma's here in town with my cousin. and my uncle invited us to dinner with his family. dad was invited too. so it was a pretty good night, though with a lot of eating. i didn't eat that much though. but my little cousins were cute and funny. very different from being with the family from my dad's side. that felt really forced and awkward, for me. but with my mum's side, with people that i grew up knowing, that really felt like old times. it was a good christmas dinner. i guess that's why i love being around this group of friends in college. they remind me of that feeling of a family. except that it's not the same. when i'm hanging out with the other groups in college, i feel out of sorts. forced and all that. i like home. real home. that was a good christmas dinner.

so i'm watching The Social Network and i really miss that feeling of exclusivity and being an elite. i wanna climb back to the top. i need to work on my skills. too much depression has got me down, literally. i hate it. i want to get back on top. i don't want that suicidal feeling anymore. i want to be a great success. i guess that when you're on top, it's a long way down for the fall. now it's time for me to climb back up. and stay there this time. now that i've felt all the hardships of being at the bottom, i've learned my lessons. and i think i'm more prepared this time, to hold on to the top. wish me luck.