i guess i must have a huge capacity for love because my heart got broken more than once. i am afraid of my heart hardening forever because of this, if i am not careful.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Saw My Happily Wedded Aunt and Uncle
When you really love somebody, you wouldn't care about that person's looks when they grow fat (or the other way around).
But of course, it shouldn't be contested with the love for our Maker.
So yeah, no reason to be ultimately depressed if that person is out of your life, if you have found a greater love, that is.
But of course, it shouldn't be contested with the love for our Maker.
So yeah, no reason to be ultimately depressed if that person is out of your life, if you have found a greater love, that is.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
New Favorite Paragraphs
So because of their breach of their covenant, We cursed them, and made their hearts grow hard. They change the words from their (right) places and have abandoned a good part of the Message that was sent to them. And you will not cease to discover deceit in them, except a few of them. But forgive them, and overlook (their misdeeds). Verily, Allah loves Al-Muhsinun (good-doers - those who extend favors to the deserving).
**
Wherewith Allah guides all those who seek His Good Pleasure to ways of peace, and He brings them out of darkness by His Will unto light and guides them to a Straight Way.
**
Ever feeble indeed is the plot of Satan.
*****
The second paragraph could be the tagline for my new journey. Because it's too true to deny. Out of the darkness, and into the light. I can feel it, yo.
**
Wherewith Allah guides all those who seek His Good Pleasure to ways of peace, and He brings them out of darkness by His Will unto light and guides them to a Straight Way.
**
Ever feeble indeed is the plot of Satan.
*****
The second paragraph could be the tagline for my new journey. Because it's too true to deny. Out of the darkness, and into the light. I can feel it, yo.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
A Letter
To someone whom I used to go out with and deeply care for:
I grew up within a very tolerant environment, where families and friends lived in harmony, regardless of race and religion. It was only when I'm much older and moved elsewhere that I finally felt a more intolerant, racist environment. Trust me, if there was any racism or religious intolerance going on back then, my childhood would be scarred, even if just a little bit. I can honestly say that I have no such scars from my childhood. I'm grateful for my parents and the people that I grew up with. I just wish that you and your family could've felt the beauty of such tolerance within your community and relatives. Now you've grown up with their ideologies cemented within you - bitter and resentful towards people for something that they were born as, even towards me. It's such a shame. I guess I was more privileged to grow up in such a healthy and positive environment, even though we used to move a lot. It may be hard for you to undo the damages now, but I can only hope for a similarly positive and blissful frame of mind and existence for you, regarding tolerance of others' race and religion. Because of that problem which you cannot undo, we have to go our separate ways, even when I didn't want to give up on you. All the best to you, and goodbye.
I'm really hoping to make peace with this forever.
I grew up within a very tolerant environment, where families and friends lived in harmony, regardless of race and religion. It was only when I'm much older and moved elsewhere that I finally felt a more intolerant, racist environment. Trust me, if there was any racism or religious intolerance going on back then, my childhood would be scarred, even if just a little bit. I can honestly say that I have no such scars from my childhood. I'm grateful for my parents and the people that I grew up with. I just wish that you and your family could've felt the beauty of such tolerance within your community and relatives. Now you've grown up with their ideologies cemented within you - bitter and resentful towards people for something that they were born as, even towards me. It's such a shame. I guess I was more privileged to grow up in such a healthy and positive environment, even though we used to move a lot. It may be hard for you to undo the damages now, but I can only hope for a similarly positive and blissful frame of mind and existence for you, regarding tolerance of others' race and religion. Because of that problem which you cannot undo, we have to go our separate ways, even when I didn't want to give up on you. All the best to you, and goodbye.
I'm really hoping to make peace with this forever.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Finally. So This is Fear, Huh
So I haven't written in here after a long while. And with the recent turn of events, I think I need to do this, for myself, for those around me, for my relationship with God. It's just so overwhelming that all of it connects, and the fact that I don't want desctruction to happen to any of it. I need to sort my thoughts out, I need a revelation, an inspiration. To be able to go through with life happily and with a peace of mind especially, and do it the cleanest way I can to my abilities. Plus, I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this in depth at the moment, and it's urgent that I find some peace of mind, so I guess I'll have to turn to writing therapy. It just sucks that all of this has to hit me during my period, a pretty vulnerable time, and it's especially scary regarding what has been happening at work and how a combination of all of this could so easily contribute to me losing my sanity completely. And that is scary, the prospect of losing my sanity at a whole new level. Judging by the things that I did to myself when I was at my lowest points. So what would happen then, if I fell down to a whole new level of lowliness? Scared of what might happen to me. I wish I could pray, because that has always been my lifeline to get through with this life, honestly. But all I can do now is to talk to God, till after a week, and then I could pray again to Him, which I definitely would. Because of how scared I am, for myself... and for others too. I'm also trying all means to heal myself in the meantime. Please, God save me. I'm also thankful that he did all of this to me, so that I would come back to Him. Since I myself prayed to him to be lead back to Him again. So I find comfort in the fact that my prayers are answered.
So what has been bothering me? Think I'll probably be writing about this one issue. This one issue that I have been avoiding to actually sit down and contemplate seriously. Since it has had my full attention since last night, all the repercussions of all the possible actions, it has put a heavy weight on my mind. I think a full blown confession is what I really need to do, in order to 'cleanse' and sort out my thoughts, possibly coming up with a revelation and a solution.. ultimately a peace of mind. For myself, and one that I would be sharing with this guy I'm in love with. So yeah, now you get the idea of what I'm going to write about, it's about a guy, and it's gonna be a long winded journey in writing. But hey, you know me, and I'm not one of them who makes a big deal out of a guy, especially not regarding the questions of the heart. But this does in a way affect my other portions in life. How it connects with the other stuff? Through my sanity.
So what has been bothering me? Again, I must not deviate from answering. Where do I start? So honestly, I have never met anyone like him. Never actually felt the way I did for anyone else, like how I do with him. What is it about him that makes it a lot more different? Simply put, it's his mind. And that is one thing of the human that has been molded through the years of experience, something that makes a person possibly very unique from others. It's almost like, he's the guy I have been looking for. Except that now that I've found him (maybe), I can't be with him properly. It's especially a question of our faiths in our different religions.
So I was watching this Korean comedy called Hello Ghost. It's funny how a movie can be funny, and make you cry at the same time. I'm just so scared of being alone. Scared of not having anyone I could connect with, on a deep level. It has been rough for me with friends and family. Although I do make the best I could with my family whenever I get the opportunity, because I care a lot. With friends, it's tougher because it has been something that I kind of lost my touch, but it's really something that I long to have once again deep down in my heart. And with this guy, I already have this deep connection towards him, and what makes it even harder is that it's a mutual feeling. Well maybe not that harder. Anyways, it's rarely that I feel that I could be with someone every single day and not get sick of it. I know myself, so take my word for it, please. We have been talking about some serious stuff, especially things that would concern us if we were to be together. And one thing that has been the biggest barrier is our different faiths in religion. Up until last night, I haven't really thought about it, with my full-on attention. And since our talk last night, it has been on my mind up until now. And I'm terrified. Terrified of how things might turn out, how I might take it. It's even more petrifying when I even venture into the thoughts of the future and how empty it could be. Seeing as how hard it is to keep my close friends, create new connections and keep them close to me. And the thought of not having him anymore. Everything combined, into the future, it does terrify me and how it might affect the other portions in my life. That thought breaks me down, and puts me on my knees, praying to God in tears and fear. Funny how I'm always finding myself crying my eyes out in front of my own writing.
Anyways, so I guess if I really were to lose him, it would be harder on me because of all the people and connections that I have lost in life. And to lose one more, a deep one that I shared with someone special, is very heartbreaking. I'm scared of what I might do. And what is this 'losing' that I have been talking about? Is it because if we were to be just friends? But wouldn't that mean losing him and the connection that we had? That closeness? I don't actually care about the physical stuff, because I've never actually been a person who commits to the physical stuff. I've really been more about what's inside the guy, his mind and soul. That's what determines how long I could last with him.
But what's really sad and confusing, is that, how could I have let myself get into this state? Last time, I was happy (well, happier, sort of), avoiding things I don't want to get into in relationships (physical stuff... sex, okay?), keeping my guard up. But then, I went out with this guy. I went into this journey with my guard up and everything, but then he melted them away and I find myself doing things that I had been keeping myself from doing. Things went sort of rough from then on, because, like my personal motto that I told him, fucking fucks things up. Then, we talked about a lot of deep stuff, sorted out our thoughts and feelings together. Which was a surprise, since talks like that are something that is a big deal for me when it comes to creating a close bond with another human. So after getting into stuff I didnt want to, even though I kept my guard up, I found something deeper within that guy and I guess he must have with me too. We even resolved to not get into the physical stuff, growing ourselves out of it, helping each other. And then, we started talking about religion. And how it's forbidden actually to be together. And both of us are loyal to our faiths. That is when it really hits me hard, which must have been hard for him too. So that is where it has been breaking me down since. Choose, I tell you, your God, or a mere human? Of course I would choose God, naturally. He was the one that has been with me since I was born. Maybe there is something that I cannot see, that He has in store for me. Something good for me, even if I were to stand by His side, no matter how impossible the recent turn of events have been. Maybe there is something wonderful for me just around the corner. I'm just blinded by my human condition. Faith, maybe this is where I should let go of the human worries of my heart and soul, and completely let myself be lead by Him. I just need that fear to be non existent in me. The fear that I might destroy myself and everything/everyone I have, if I were to truly be alone, to truly have everything ripped away from me. The fear of this present life. Because I guess that's what that has been holding me back from just letting go, and letting myself to completely be lead by Him. That is the truth. I think I would be able to do that now, only problem is that I have my period. And it'll be about a week until I can finally just pray. Do the actual ritual, instead of just having conversations with God in my head. Because that isn't enough. Probably not enough to save me from the vestiges of the state of mind that I feel creeping up on me. I'm scared. But I think, in the meantime, I'll be okay. I need to chill, I need my endorphins from exercise, and my daily conversations with Him (in my head). God willing, I will be okay. And so shall my love (the person and my emotions) be too. For this life, and the after life. Always has been on my mind. I know that He is kind enough to watch over us and protect us, guide us. And I find comfort in that, especially when things are so horrible and I can't see the good side of anything at all.
Okay, I'm going jogging before it's too late.
So what has been bothering me? Think I'll probably be writing about this one issue. This one issue that I have been avoiding to actually sit down and contemplate seriously. Since it has had my full attention since last night, all the repercussions of all the possible actions, it has put a heavy weight on my mind. I think a full blown confession is what I really need to do, in order to 'cleanse' and sort out my thoughts, possibly coming up with a revelation and a solution.. ultimately a peace of mind. For myself, and one that I would be sharing with this guy I'm in love with. So yeah, now you get the idea of what I'm going to write about, it's about a guy, and it's gonna be a long winded journey in writing. But hey, you know me, and I'm not one of them who makes a big deal out of a guy, especially not regarding the questions of the heart. But this does in a way affect my other portions in life. How it connects with the other stuff? Through my sanity.
So what has been bothering me? Again, I must not deviate from answering. Where do I start? So honestly, I have never met anyone like him. Never actually felt the way I did for anyone else, like how I do with him. What is it about him that makes it a lot more different? Simply put, it's his mind. And that is one thing of the human that has been molded through the years of experience, something that makes a person possibly very unique from others. It's almost like, he's the guy I have been looking for. Except that now that I've found him (maybe), I can't be with him properly. It's especially a question of our faiths in our different religions.
So I was watching this Korean comedy called Hello Ghost. It's funny how a movie can be funny, and make you cry at the same time. I'm just so scared of being alone. Scared of not having anyone I could connect with, on a deep level. It has been rough for me with friends and family. Although I do make the best I could with my family whenever I get the opportunity, because I care a lot. With friends, it's tougher because it has been something that I kind of lost my touch, but it's really something that I long to have once again deep down in my heart. And with this guy, I already have this deep connection towards him, and what makes it even harder is that it's a mutual feeling. Well maybe not that harder. Anyways, it's rarely that I feel that I could be with someone every single day and not get sick of it. I know myself, so take my word for it, please. We have been talking about some serious stuff, especially things that would concern us if we were to be together. And one thing that has been the biggest barrier is our different faiths in religion. Up until last night, I haven't really thought about it, with my full-on attention. And since our talk last night, it has been on my mind up until now. And I'm terrified. Terrified of how things might turn out, how I might take it. It's even more petrifying when I even venture into the thoughts of the future and how empty it could be. Seeing as how hard it is to keep my close friends, create new connections and keep them close to me. And the thought of not having him anymore. Everything combined, into the future, it does terrify me and how it might affect the other portions in my life. That thought breaks me down, and puts me on my knees, praying to God in tears and fear. Funny how I'm always finding myself crying my eyes out in front of my own writing.
Anyways, so I guess if I really were to lose him, it would be harder on me because of all the people and connections that I have lost in life. And to lose one more, a deep one that I shared with someone special, is very heartbreaking. I'm scared of what I might do. And what is this 'losing' that I have been talking about? Is it because if we were to be just friends? But wouldn't that mean losing him and the connection that we had? That closeness? I don't actually care about the physical stuff, because I've never actually been a person who commits to the physical stuff. I've really been more about what's inside the guy, his mind and soul. That's what determines how long I could last with him.
But what's really sad and confusing, is that, how could I have let myself get into this state? Last time, I was happy (well, happier, sort of), avoiding things I don't want to get into in relationships (physical stuff... sex, okay?), keeping my guard up. But then, I went out with this guy. I went into this journey with my guard up and everything, but then he melted them away and I find myself doing things that I had been keeping myself from doing. Things went sort of rough from then on, because, like my personal motto that I told him, fucking fucks things up. Then, we talked about a lot of deep stuff, sorted out our thoughts and feelings together. Which was a surprise, since talks like that are something that is a big deal for me when it comes to creating a close bond with another human. So after getting into stuff I didnt want to, even though I kept my guard up, I found something deeper within that guy and I guess he must have with me too. We even resolved to not get into the physical stuff, growing ourselves out of it, helping each other. And then, we started talking about religion. And how it's forbidden actually to be together. And both of us are loyal to our faiths. That is when it really hits me hard, which must have been hard for him too. So that is where it has been breaking me down since. Choose, I tell you, your God, or a mere human? Of course I would choose God, naturally. He was the one that has been with me since I was born. Maybe there is something that I cannot see, that He has in store for me. Something good for me, even if I were to stand by His side, no matter how impossible the recent turn of events have been. Maybe there is something wonderful for me just around the corner. I'm just blinded by my human condition. Faith, maybe this is where I should let go of the human worries of my heart and soul, and completely let myself be lead by Him. I just need that fear to be non existent in me. The fear that I might destroy myself and everything/everyone I have, if I were to truly be alone, to truly have everything ripped away from me. The fear of this present life. Because I guess that's what that has been holding me back from just letting go, and letting myself to completely be lead by Him. That is the truth. I think I would be able to do that now, only problem is that I have my period. And it'll be about a week until I can finally just pray. Do the actual ritual, instead of just having conversations with God in my head. Because that isn't enough. Probably not enough to save me from the vestiges of the state of mind that I feel creeping up on me. I'm scared. But I think, in the meantime, I'll be okay. I need to chill, I need my endorphins from exercise, and my daily conversations with Him (in my head). God willing, I will be okay. And so shall my love (the person and my emotions) be too. For this life, and the after life. Always has been on my mind. I know that He is kind enough to watch over us and protect us, guide us. And I find comfort in that, especially when things are so horrible and I can't see the good side of anything at all.
Okay, I'm going jogging before it's too late.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Ne Me Quittes Pas
Ne Me Quittes Pas... Once upon a time, I used to be someone who felt as deep as this song. Now you see me, you're just looking at an empty shell. I do not weep like I did, my emotions do not run as deep as they used to. That was my first love. When I really did give in, and lost. Leaving me as I am today. I'm not sure how deep my emotions are, whenever I feel nowadays. But I know they aren't as intense as they used to be. Maybe, as time passes by, I will be able to commit myself and give my all once again. Why do I even feel sad at the fact that I can't feel as deeply as I used to. Disappointed that I have turned into the Tin Man. Maybe I do have the ability to feel deeply, maybe I am feeling this deeply towards that special someone I'm currently seeing.. I just don't know it, only time can tell.
But yeah, come to think of it, I do feel something for this guy. It's the most intense that I've felt.. I'm afraid of jumping in, again. Full immersion - diving in from the tips of my toes to the top of my head (tops of my heads, lol). So falucking scared. So scared how things would be if we were to be serious with each other, as in, letting the whole world know. I think we are pretty exclusive/serious with each other, just that it's not out in the open. Which is why, where we're at, we're just not rushing things and taking it one step at a time. It's like, making sure if we're really comfortable with each other, and it's absolutely real for sure.. But then, where will that lead to? I do not know. But we already are comfortable with each other, I don't want to mess things up, I don't want things to get messed up. Let's just see how it goes. But for the time being, I don't feel myself opening up for anyone else again, apart from him. We'll see. It's like, if there's another guy who comes along my way, I'd just feel too tired to start the whole shinding again. And that is how I feel every time another guy comes along nowadays, now that I'm currently seeing this special someone. Not even if the guy's absolutely cute, which does happen at work (I have two jobs btw), but I would just be amused by the whole shennanigan. It's just so much like watching someone going through a silly high school crush - such superficial attempts yet cute to watch/laugh at. I wouldn't open up to other people, well couldn't find it in my heart to do so, it just closes up yknow, after I give it to someone. But yeah, that's just me, once I use the L word, I really do stick to it, even if the whole world doesn't know it. Because it's just one of those words that I don't throw out freely. Which is why, if there's ever anyone who uses me after I have given them my word, there will be hell to pay. Ooh, such mean words. Wish I could find someone who is like that for me too. Hope that I am with someone like that.
Anyways, I need to buckle down to my work, lol. Overdramatic due to procrastination. But yeah, I may laugh at the slightest show of human affection or anything along those lines, but deep down I am just like those things that I laugh at. Ironic/in-denial? I'm just human. Probably an immature one, most of the time. Defense mechanism for rejection? Hell yes.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Where my life is heading...
Is this what my life has come to? It's either extremely tiring with all the work, or it's extremely boring, depressing and lonely when the work is done. Either of the two extremes, it seems. Is this the route that my life is heading to? Seems like either way, I'll be a really lonely person, whether it's filled with work, or without work. It's just that work takes away the loneliness temporarily, but it'll be replaced with extreme tiredness and/or stress. Is this how my next 10-20 years will be like? :(
Man I haven't written in here in a long while. I guess it's good that I'm keeping myself occupied with work. But I have a feeling that I'm taking this the wrong way, and it'll blow up in my face eventually. And I'll be here to face all of this alone. It's just so fucking sad. No wonder I used to cut myself a lot back then. But I'm growing sick of cutting. It's good though, in a way. Plus, it seems so lame now that I look back on it. I just wish there would be more people who want to be in my life, not just the ones who are keen on running away from me. There must be something wrong with me. Just need companions to get through with this life. Maybe I'm pushing people away subconsciously, that is why I feel terribly alone. :( Wish I didn't have my period now, so I could pray to God, at least. Talking to Him takes away some of that loneliness. Love is a terrible thing not to have, if you have life. The 'gift' of life, without love, is really empty. In my mind, I'd rather die if I don't have anyone to love, or anyone who loves me - love on all levels. Man, what a whiny bitch. But yeah, once in a while, I do whine like it's nobody's business. Just getting this shit out of my system and I'm good to go :)
Just a little bit more whining..
I feel that if I had someone special in my life, all of this would be more bearable. The work, stress.. in fact, I would more than welcome it. It would also leave no room in my head to be paranoid about the other person. So I'll just be coming home to someone to love and not fight with.. at the end of the day. Getting strength to go through the next day, and in time strengthening our bond and trust. Whatever else is involved. I just want things to work out for the best. Utilise all that I have. Like they say in Project Runway, 'Make it work!'. Anyways, so yeah, I mustn't look at my life right now, as something that I must put my nose to the grindstone, just to block out any loneliness that might invade my thoughts. Just look at it as an experience where I'll try to grow my relationships with the people that I encounter in my work, and hopefully in the long run that would take away the burden of living for the work alone. We are all in this together, things would be so much more bearable if we work together, and not ostracize anybody or anything negative along that line :) God willing.
Man I haven't written in here in a long while. I guess it's good that I'm keeping myself occupied with work. But I have a feeling that I'm taking this the wrong way, and it'll blow up in my face eventually. And I'll be here to face all of this alone. It's just so fucking sad. No wonder I used to cut myself a lot back then. But I'm growing sick of cutting. It's good though, in a way. Plus, it seems so lame now that I look back on it. I just wish there would be more people who want to be in my life, not just the ones who are keen on running away from me. There must be something wrong with me. Just need companions to get through with this life. Maybe I'm pushing people away subconsciously, that is why I feel terribly alone. :( Wish I didn't have my period now, so I could pray to God, at least. Talking to Him takes away some of that loneliness. Love is a terrible thing not to have, if you have life. The 'gift' of life, without love, is really empty. In my mind, I'd rather die if I don't have anyone to love, or anyone who loves me - love on all levels. Man, what a whiny bitch. But yeah, once in a while, I do whine like it's nobody's business. Just getting this shit out of my system and I'm good to go :)
Just a little bit more whining..
I feel that if I had someone special in my life, all of this would be more bearable. The work, stress.. in fact, I would more than welcome it. It would also leave no room in my head to be paranoid about the other person. So I'll just be coming home to someone to love and not fight with.. at the end of the day. Getting strength to go through the next day, and in time strengthening our bond and trust. Whatever else is involved. I just want things to work out for the best. Utilise all that I have. Like they say in Project Runway, 'Make it work!'. Anyways, so yeah, I mustn't look at my life right now, as something that I must put my nose to the grindstone, just to block out any loneliness that might invade my thoughts. Just look at it as an experience where I'll try to grow my relationships with the people that I encounter in my work, and hopefully in the long run that would take away the burden of living for the work alone. We are all in this together, things would be so much more bearable if we work together, and not ostracize anybody or anything negative along that line :) God willing.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Overly... something
So you're wondering whether I'm missing you or not? My answer is, as long as I'm breathing, I shall always be missing you. With every breath that I take, I am missing you. So try to remember that. That is how much and how often I miss you.
Cheyyyy.
Hahaha.
Well, who knows? It might be true. I'm just too shy to admit it. LOL.
Cheyyyy.
Hahaha.
Well, who knows? It might be true. I'm just too shy to admit it. LOL.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Afflictions, retributions, confessions, realizations, and resolutions.
It feels nice to have someone to talk to, even if just for a while. For the short time that the person is there for me, I have done the best that I could with our time together. Because I know people have their own lives to attend to, so I always try to make the best out of what we have together. Make the best of the time that we spend together, because I know that it won't last. Not as much as I want it to, sadly. But yeah, sometimes it just takes a person to make me feel alive again. Alive in a positive manner. Not alive, as in that adrenaline rush when doing something reckless. Sometimes I feel that I'm over with my reckless days. I must stop doing that to myself, and live in a healthier lifestyle.. for my mind, body, soul and heart. I have learned my lessons, the hard way unfortunately. I have always told myself this, to live a cleaner life. I have strayed for a bit, even after my resolution to not do those things ever again, and I received my retributions for that. I must have this embedded into myself, because I do not want to repeat this hurt, this pain, all over again. I love the people in my life. I have never let them go, even if we have become distant over the years. If any of them ever came back to me, I always welcome them with open arms, whatever it is that I could do within my capabilities. But yeah, I hope they know that I still love all of them.
Sometimes, I just wish this pain would end. And that love and laughter will come and take over my life once again. It used to be filled with that, but these past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it's my period, or a combination of that and circumstances in my daily life (work, classes, etc). But I can't wait for my life to be filled with love and laughter once again. The accumulated emotions from these past few days really felt like they have taken their toll on me. I feel so flipping exhausted, and I just wanna go home. Where are the arms wide open that will take me into them? I feel like I have so much love to offer, but I feel like something has always been holding me back, or making me push away the people that I deeply care about/love. I just want to be home, once again. I must not let whatever that dark thing is, cast me away into the depths of misery. Save myself, save my loved ones. It may sound so cheesy, the things that I'm writing, but it's what I really feel deep down. I feel so bad whenever the people that I care about get affected. I pray for another chance, to make things right once again. To heal. I have always thought of this to myself, 'Why hurt when you can heal?'. Good night, world. I'm just so freaking exhausted, worn out. Probably will take a short nap before continuing my work. I have always been telling myself this: Love thyself and love others. Just remember that, and put it into action. Cheesy, but, love is ultimately a simple word, but a concept all the same, that will save us all. Love will save us. Think about that deeply. You'll see.
Sometimes, I just wish this pain would end. And that love and laughter will come and take over my life once again. It used to be filled with that, but these past few days have been horrible. I don't know if it's my period, or a combination of that and circumstances in my daily life (work, classes, etc). But I can't wait for my life to be filled with love and laughter once again. The accumulated emotions from these past few days really felt like they have taken their toll on me. I feel so flipping exhausted, and I just wanna go home. Where are the arms wide open that will take me into them? I feel like I have so much love to offer, but I feel like something has always been holding me back, or making me push away the people that I deeply care about/love. I just want to be home, once again. I must not let whatever that dark thing is, cast me away into the depths of misery. Save myself, save my loved ones. It may sound so cheesy, the things that I'm writing, but it's what I really feel deep down. I feel so bad whenever the people that I care about get affected. I pray for another chance, to make things right once again. To heal. I have always thought of this to myself, 'Why hurt when you can heal?'. Good night, world. I'm just so freaking exhausted, worn out. Probably will take a short nap before continuing my work. I have always been telling myself this: Love thyself and love others. Just remember that, and put it into action. Cheesy, but, love is ultimately a simple word, but a concept all the same, that will save us all. Love will save us. Think about that deeply. You'll see.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Realization and Peace of Mind
Sometimes, I wonder, when I'm totally living in the adult world, maybe 10 years or so from now, I wonder if I would be the woman who comes home to an empty house, living alone, and wonder if I would be ocd-ing in the middle of the night? All alone.. The thought scares me. Will I come home to my house, all alone, and sleepless nights ocd-ing, probably to fill the emptiness, to distract me from my thoughts. The thought of going to my own house, all alone, it fucking scares me. A friend told me all about his sister, who's something like that, and when I really think of the possibility, it really scares me. I don't know, I guess I'm just really scared to be all alone, actually. I've always thought I was more of a lone wolf, kind of person. Like a miss independent. Now that I've really thought about the realities of actually being alone, I'm actually really scared. So I guess deep down, I just need someone in my life. I've just been kidding myself with all that 'tough' talk. I guess that is why I keep falling for someone, even though I constantly tried to talk myself out of needing and finding someone. So fact is, I shouldn't be trying so hard to force this out of myself. Probably just take things as they come along, try not to force things into or out of my life. Go with the flow, and loving everything as it is and everyone as they are. Man, what have I been doing all these years? At least, I have realized this now, better now than never. So yeah, I'm just praying that everything will work out for the best. I shall love the people that I have been loving, but just don't force anything. Let the sequence of events work themselves out. They always do, when they're not forced.
Oh, cool. I was watching Friends, and now I have a cool idea for a black light in the room. That would be groovy, and a lava lamp too. Lol. I've always wanted a lava lamp. And now, with an addition of the black light. Man, I just feel happy thinking about how I would want to decorate my own place in the future.
Oh God, one moment I was just so sad, scared, confused, angry, all those negative thoughts. And now, I've managed to talk myself into being happy again. I'm afraid of these constant mood shifts. Extreme mood shifts. I'm scared that this scares off the guys that I'm going out with. I feel sorry that they have to put up with this, if they're with me. I feel so sorry for him. But yeah, I still do love him, after all that intense outburst. I mean, it's so out of proportion. And I feel so bad that any guy I'm with has to put up with this. But I really do hope that underneath it all, he realizes I still mean those three words. No matter what. I don't use those words freely. I only say it because I mean it. Three 'sacred' words that I only use when deemed appropriate, only to those worthy to be bestowed with the honor (lol). Anyways, nobody should ever take me seriously when I'm raving mad. Even I don't take myself seriously, but I just needed to let it out, somehow. Sigh. At least, I don't think I've had these crazy outbursts in front of anyone.
One of these days, I'm gonna make trifle. MMM mmm. It looks good, and it should taste good. Sweet. And I'd really love to share that with someone. Deep down, I just love sharing the things I love in life.
Man, I really hope I didn't screw things up between us. Sigh. At least I've calmed down now. But at least I know, if he runs away after all this, I'll know that he's not right. Ah well, at least I've realized a lot tonight. And it has given me a peace of mind. Something that I've always needed.
Ps. I really need to control my extreme mood swings. I can't let it just happen, every time it comes. If I really do love the people that I say I do, I must try to control it more. I mean, come on, I don't wanna hurt them, or put the strain on them.. all because of me. I have let this destroy what I used to have in the past, and it pains me to keep letting it get to me. It hurts that I've hurt them. I need to learn to be more in control of this. I still have a long way to go. But yeah, I'm doing it for all the people that I care.
Oh, cool. I was watching Friends, and now I have a cool idea for a black light in the room. That would be groovy, and a lava lamp too. Lol. I've always wanted a lava lamp. And now, with an addition of the black light. Man, I just feel happy thinking about how I would want to decorate my own place in the future.
Oh God, one moment I was just so sad, scared, confused, angry, all those negative thoughts. And now, I've managed to talk myself into being happy again. I'm afraid of these constant mood shifts. Extreme mood shifts. I'm scared that this scares off the guys that I'm going out with. I feel sorry that they have to put up with this, if they're with me. I feel so sorry for him. But yeah, I still do love him, after all that intense outburst. I mean, it's so out of proportion. And I feel so bad that any guy I'm with has to put up with this. But I really do hope that underneath it all, he realizes I still mean those three words. No matter what. I don't use those words freely. I only say it because I mean it. Three 'sacred' words that I only use when deemed appropriate, only to those worthy to be bestowed with the honor (lol). Anyways, nobody should ever take me seriously when I'm raving mad. Even I don't take myself seriously, but I just needed to let it out, somehow. Sigh. At least, I don't think I've had these crazy outbursts in front of anyone.
One of these days, I'm gonna make trifle. MMM mmm. It looks good, and it should taste good. Sweet. And I'd really love to share that with someone. Deep down, I just love sharing the things I love in life.
Man, I really hope I didn't screw things up between us. Sigh. At least I've calmed down now. But at least I know, if he runs away after all this, I'll know that he's not right. Ah well, at least I've realized a lot tonight. And it has given me a peace of mind. Something that I've always needed.
Ps. I really need to control my extreme mood swings. I can't let it just happen, every time it comes. If I really do love the people that I say I do, I must try to control it more. I mean, come on, I don't wanna hurt them, or put the strain on them.. all because of me. I have let this destroy what I used to have in the past, and it pains me to keep letting it get to me. It hurts that I've hurt them. I need to learn to be more in control of this. I still have a long way to go. But yeah, I'm doing it for all the people that I care.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I'm not in this world alone
I love my darlings - my friends, co-workers, my love interest.. I love them all. I love the feeling that they're there, for me, at my darkest hour. And that darkest hour is not exactly caused by something that's just in my head, but something really terrible that happened. And there they are, chatting me up, talking about that horrible thing that happened to me. It's just so comforting, and to have them by my side when I really felt alone and confused.. and I know why I feel alone a lot, it's because I keep things to myself. But when I do come clean with what's bothering me, they came to my aid, they comforted me, even with just mere words. But mere words mean a lot to me, and their presence there, when I needed company the most.. to save myself from doing something really drastic. I love my darlings. Thanks God, for showing me once again that I'm not totally alone in this world. I just needed to not keep my issues to myself. I realize that. Let it out, let them help me, and do myself and everyone a favor, and move on, past the problem. I love my life. I love the people in my life. Thanks again, God. My heart feels so calm and contented.. a feeling that I have been missing for quite some time. I love my darlings. And there's also another thing I wanted to talk about...
So I was going through that really terrible ordeal, I basically felt like as if my life was coming to an end, and not by my means. It was caused by an evil individual. I literally felt the people that I care a lot about, the people that I love, I felt them flashing before my eyes.. kind of like how your life flashes before you, when you're about to die. So yeah, he was one of them, and I guess my feelings were just so strong, you know, that feeling of I was about to die, and calling out to the people that matter a lot to me. And then, he contacted me. It was so comforting, that he came at the right time, like as if he knew how I was feeling at that moment. And there are other people too, who suddenly talked to me, after a long silence. Friends. They suddenly contacted me again, but after he came to me first. I felt like, they came to my call for help. He was the first, and the rest came. I love them all. My darlings. Thank you so much for comforting me, even if it's all my silly fault for getting easily worked up. But thanks, I love them all. Love is such a wonderful feeling. It's a wonderful emotion to spread around. I want to live in that world, filled with love. Forever. It's a feeling I want to keep forever. Love.
So I was going through that really terrible ordeal, I basically felt like as if my life was coming to an end, and not by my means. It was caused by an evil individual. I literally felt the people that I care a lot about, the people that I love, I felt them flashing before my eyes.. kind of like how your life flashes before you, when you're about to die. So yeah, he was one of them, and I guess my feelings were just so strong, you know, that feeling of I was about to die, and calling out to the people that matter a lot to me. And then, he contacted me. It was so comforting, that he came at the right time, like as if he knew how I was feeling at that moment. And there are other people too, who suddenly talked to me, after a long silence. Friends. They suddenly contacted me again, but after he came to me first. I felt like, they came to my call for help. He was the first, and the rest came. I love them all. My darlings. Thank you so much for comforting me, even if it's all my silly fault for getting easily worked up. But thanks, I love them all. Love is such a wonderful feeling. It's a wonderful emotion to spread around. I want to live in that world, filled with love. Forever. It's a feeling I want to keep forever. Love.
Monday, June 27, 2011
So... a few hours in the shrink's room
I'm done with my old, reckless self. Well, I admit I used to do stupid things back then.. really stupid. You wouldn't believe that it was me. Hahaha. But hey, now that I've been through all of that shit, I'm done with em. Haha. I guess it's just one of those things you gotta get out of your system... once you've experienced how horribly it could mess with your head. And that you've learnt it's totally not worth it, just because you have some other issues that you need to overcome. Heh. Well there are other ways to overcome problems in life, and I'm glad to say that I'm on my way to totally overcoming them all with a 'clean' slate. Pretty much. Good, clean fun. Nothing totally destructive and mind fucking. I guess for me, experience is a really good teacher. Heck, it may even be the best teacher for me. It's alright, since I always learn to deal with the bad things in life... eventually. And not get totally destroyed. Anyway, it always makes me a stronger person.. in the long run. with a rock hard wall of protection. Hahaha. No really, I'm sorry that I'm such a stone cold person.. you know, heartless and shit. One who doesn't seem to be easily touched by furry bunnies and couples holding hands. But hey, isn't that what you need around you, when it's pretty much 90% of the time that you're gonna come across a creep or a jerk, or something along the same line. It's just self defense, baby. Learning to live life and enjoy it to the max. But of course, there are still principles that I hold on to.. such as not using a person, playing with their heart and shit. Just an example among the others that I still hold close to my heart. I may have changed / 'grown up', but there's just a part of me that would be devastated if I let go of the things that I grew up with - the values that I have been taught, etc. But if a certain someone(s) does hurt me, I'm sorry but I just have to set free the monster within me. I don't take it well, when someone really hurts me, or any of the people that I care about.
so one thing that I pride myself on, is forgetting stuff. as in, those memories that could be deadly for my sanity, i find that i could forget them completely. it does feel weird though, sometimes when someone asks me about something, and they go like, 'don't you remember?'. and i'm at a total loss about what they're on about. just completely erased, blank. feels surreal sometimes too. like i could go through such a huge thing, and it's been completely wiped out from my memory. well, that is good for my sanity, especially when it comes to ex boyfriends and similar shit, losing people in my life, or anything devastating. amnesia. slightly. but yes, it has made me into a cold hearted person (when it comes to any type of human bonding), a heart of stone. untouchable. sweet words, sweet promises, just bounce off me. I never really take them in. It's just too horrible you know.. Seems like every time I let anything in, I will get hurt in the end.. eventually. So yeah, most of the time, those words just bounce off my conscience. I don't really take them in. It's hard to let myself get in too deep. You know what's even harder, is to stop myself from getting in too deep. Because of that annoying little part of me that still wants to believe, that annoying little part that 'falls prey to the human condition' (taken from All That Remains' The Weak Willed. heh). Because like hell, I already know I'm a hopeless romantic. So lets not make it worse, by falling for every fucking sweet word that I hear. Anyways, I try not to do that amnesia thing when it comes to important stuff, like work. but maybe yes, when it comes to rejection in my work? Haha. ha. man, I'm probably gonna remain alone, you know. But, I'm not gonna grow old alone. I'm gonna die young, hey. Live life in the fast lane, enjoy life to the fullest, fulfill your deeds towards others (no more unfinished business, make sure everyone is happy with what I've got to offer to them) and then, I shall die young. End of story. That way, I won't be living a life that's too selfish. I'll still help others with their problems. Hahaha. Hilarious shit. You wouldn't know if I'm just joking in this stupid blog post. A fucking sick joke, though. trololololol. You know, the weird thing is, why is it that when I re read this thing, it's in the voice of Ross from FRIENDS? Haha.
So I don't need booze to get drunk.. or drugs. I'm already unhinged, even in my natural state. Funny. Some people may find me funny, (eh, they do say so, sometimes) but I'm just fucking tired with the fucked up ness of life. Just my way of easing the pain, confusion or whatever shit, a little at a time. Helping myself, and others. Fucking crazy bitch, at your service. Hahaha. Oh my, what a load of self loathing I sense. It is time for my rest, crazy day today (up in my head. haha). Some bed rest and 'beauty' sleep should do the trick. Okay then, I'm gonna bounce outta here. Goodnight
so one thing that I pride myself on, is forgetting stuff. as in, those memories that could be deadly for my sanity, i find that i could forget them completely. it does feel weird though, sometimes when someone asks me about something, and they go like, 'don't you remember?'. and i'm at a total loss about what they're on about. just completely erased, blank. feels surreal sometimes too. like i could go through such a huge thing, and it's been completely wiped out from my memory. well, that is good for my sanity, especially when it comes to ex boyfriends and similar shit, losing people in my life, or anything devastating. amnesia. slightly. but yes, it has made me into a cold hearted person (when it comes to any type of human bonding), a heart of stone. untouchable. sweet words, sweet promises, just bounce off me. I never really take them in. It's just too horrible you know.. Seems like every time I let anything in, I will get hurt in the end.. eventually. So yeah, most of the time, those words just bounce off my conscience. I don't really take them in. It's hard to let myself get in too deep. You know what's even harder, is to stop myself from getting in too deep. Because of that annoying little part of me that still wants to believe, that annoying little part that 'falls prey to the human condition' (taken from All That Remains' The Weak Willed. heh). Because like hell, I already know I'm a hopeless romantic. So lets not make it worse, by falling for every fucking sweet word that I hear. Anyways, I try not to do that amnesia thing when it comes to important stuff, like work. but maybe yes, when it comes to rejection in my work? Haha. ha. man, I'm probably gonna remain alone, you know. But, I'm not gonna grow old alone. I'm gonna die young, hey. Live life in the fast lane, enjoy life to the fullest, fulfill your deeds towards others (no more unfinished business, make sure everyone is happy with what I've got to offer to them) and then, I shall die young. End of story. That way, I won't be living a life that's too selfish. I'll still help others with their problems. Hahaha. Hilarious shit. You wouldn't know if I'm just joking in this stupid blog post. A fucking sick joke, though. trololololol. You know, the weird thing is, why is it that when I re read this thing, it's in the voice of Ross from FRIENDS? Haha.
So I don't need booze to get drunk.. or drugs. I'm already unhinged, even in my natural state. Funny. Some people may find me funny, (eh, they do say so, sometimes) but I'm just fucking tired with the fucked up ness of life. Just my way of easing the pain, confusion or whatever shit, a little at a time. Helping myself, and others. Fucking crazy bitch, at your service. Hahaha. Oh my, what a load of self loathing I sense. It is time for my rest, crazy day today (up in my head. haha). Some bed rest and 'beauty' sleep should do the trick. Okay then, I'm gonna bounce outta here. Goodnight
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Eternal Flame
Now I know why many of my pretty friends, who are awesome, but still remain single. Although they're single, they're really cool individuals. They're their own person, and could have a good time wherever they are, no need for a man by their side. Yeah, they're pretty, not to mention cool (ugh, how many times am I gonna say this. like do I have a chick crush or something), and I used to wonder why are they single? Now I know. Self worth, love thyself, etc etc. Do not search for love from another, but love yourself initially, and sincerely. That's what should come first. Then all the other good things will come to you. No wasting time on guys who aren't worth your time, energy, and capacity to love. These girls may be bitchy even, especially when it comes to guys. But I don't blame them. Haha, I guess with experience, you will get there first. I still have a lot to learn.
This is just an open stage, and we are all subjects to the master of puppets. Do you enjoy watching our feeble attempts to free ourselves from your imprisoning strings, o master of puppets?
This is just an open stage, and we are all subjects to the master of puppets. Do you enjoy watching our feeble attempts to free ourselves from your imprisoning strings, o master of puppets?
How to Get Over Someone You Have Fallen For So Badly
- You accept yourself as you are, love yourself for who you are, forgive yourself for decisions and actions that have brought you pain, never settle for anything less then what you desire and deserve. Love is all about timing, make yourself the best person you can be both mentally and physically and do it for yourself no man. Once you do that, you will no longer waste your time on men who do not see you for who you are. You will see yourself as a beautiful women that has so much to offer the right man. But to be able to get over lost love you have to be able to forgive yourself, whether it was your fault or not for the break up. You also must make a concious effort to get him out of your life. Keeping him as a friend will bring only more pain, this is from experience. Let him go, delete his name off your cell phone off your email, put the pictures away. It is your choice to be miserable about the situation, which for the first few months everyone choses to be sad. I chose to be sad for 5 months when the man I loved dumped me. But you can also make the choice to be happy, but only you can do that. You have one life why sit there and waste it on a man who can't see all facets of your beauty. You have one life to be happy, love yourself, forgive yourself and you will see that that love will radiate and men will be attracted to that. Good men will be attracted to your postive self worth. And that positive self worth gets rid of all the bagage from past relationships that ruin current ones. But this is a choice, a concious choice to leave the past and be happy and only you can make it. Know it wont be easy, but in the end you will have the love you have always desired.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Off to where the grass is greener
So my grandparents are staying with us, at the moment. Followed us back. You know, me being an island on my own and shit, not really opening up to anyone. Well, I just had a talk with my grandmother, something I'm so not used to. You know, heart to heart talks. Maybe I did use to have it with mum, but that was another lifetime ago. Anyways. It was new for me, talking like that to anyone, after a long, long, long dry spell.
I will never kill myself. Commit suicide. Because it isn't worth it, to hurt the people that I really do care about. I've never really felt that, like words are just mere, empty words. But now I can truly mean those words that I said.
Okay, on another note. I'm pretty psyched about my new and improved portfolio. Here's to getting a highly paid job abroad. Yeah mann! God, please save me from my personal black hole.
I will never kill myself. Commit suicide. Because it isn't worth it, to hurt the people that I really do care about. I've never really felt that, like words are just mere, empty words. But now I can truly mean those words that I said.
Okay, on another note. I'm pretty psyched about my new and improved portfolio. Here's to getting a highly paid job abroad. Yeah mann! God, please save me from my personal black hole.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Skipping down memory lane
Note to self:
Mi corazon, you got to save yourself from this black hole. this, ugly abyss which is in your head. no seriously, your mind is a black hole. if you do not save yourself from it, well. but really, i'm worried about you. especially with your health failing, and shit. You have been pretty ill for almost a week now. I worry for you, love. And why do you let yourself get hurt by others?
***
I don't know. Sometimes I'm just at a loss, as to why I do the things I do. Honestly, I don't have anyone to really talk to in real life. I guess we all have to learn to deal with it, eh. Sometimes, I just feel like doing some crazy stuff, just to forget the horrible realities of life. Well, I actually did some crazy stuff. Some I regret, some I store in my memory, just to bring them up whenever I need something to laugh at. haha. But basically, whenever I do anything crazy, it is as if I am in a trance. Stoned, dazed. And I just keep goin. Haha, I guess it's a good thing, to be a great sport, especially when hanging out. Attracting the company of others. Man, I don't ever want to be alone.
When I look at some really old photos, memories of way back then, it just feels so fucking surreal. Somehow, it gives me that feeling to commit suicide. Weird huh. I feel so fucking alone. Like, where has everyone gone to? Mama? Sure, some of my friends, we remain good friends till today. But, it just isn't the same, yknow. Family love. Sigh. A wise friend said it's time for me to find a new shell. I guess that's why, on a subconscious level, I have always been looking for someone, even though I always vow to stop. Heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak, after fucking heartbreak. Unwillingly putting myself through that shit. Haha. fuck, I'm being too dramatic. enough. shut up. :). But yeah, it made me so happy when I was with him. Life felt so fulfilling, secure. I felt invincible, like I could go through this life after all, and I could finally leave behind all those negative and suicidal thoughts. No matter what obstacles and barriers come at me, I could face them all, with renewed strength. Finally, someone I could share all my happiness with, and someone I would do anything for. That feeling like, someone I could finally curl up with, after a fucking exhausting journey through hell. I guess it's that state of mind that I was looking for. And it doesn't take just anyone to give me that state of mind. It takes that special someone. That can never happen with just anyone. obviously. Man, I miss him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I do. But yeah, it makes me happy just recalling how happy he made me. It's such a shame that it is no more. I miss you, hun. I don't fucking care about anything else. Throw away your insecurities. I shall be your superwoman, like how you were my superman. haha metaphors. But really, when you found someone so.... who just fits so well, would you let that person go easily? Let go without some sort of a fight? haha. so fucking dramatic. you so funny. Drama queen, baby. Man, I really need to get to my pc a.s.a.p. to get ahead on my work. I can't stay like this. shit, shit, shit. Anyways, back to what I was talking about, when you found that special person. How can you be so sure, that that person really is the one you have been looking for? I dunno about you, but I really felt something different with him. Which is what has been tearing me apart, sorta. (here I go again, with being over dramatic -_-). It just feels different with him, compared to the guys that I have been with. The kind of different that I like. It makes me sad, why things have to turn ugly like how it has now. Red flag? I dunno. Anyways, I don't want to write anymore about the negatives. I wanna keep writing about what makes me happy. Awyeah, self indulgence in writing. How he fucking made me happy yeah. I've run out of things to write. Hah. Maybe another time. Anyways, fucking before marriage, well it just fucks things up. Which is why I don't wanna do it. I want us to last. And I see how it fucks things up for other unmarried couples. Although there are a few exceptions. I can think of only one couple at the moment, though. They're already like a married couple anyways. I'm glad for my friends who are exempted from this. As for me, I don't wanna fucking risk it. Man, I miss you, mi corazon. I shall be here for you, if you need me. Talk about being clueless, eh. Blindly holding out for that one person. Hahaha. you so fucking funny. I'm glad for online comedy radios. Comedy 24/7. Just cheers me up, thank you!
Mi corazon, you got to save yourself from this black hole. this, ugly abyss which is in your head. no seriously, your mind is a black hole. if you do not save yourself from it, well. but really, i'm worried about you. especially with your health failing, and shit. You have been pretty ill for almost a week now. I worry for you, love. And why do you let yourself get hurt by others?
***
I don't know. Sometimes I'm just at a loss, as to why I do the things I do. Honestly, I don't have anyone to really talk to in real life. I guess we all have to learn to deal with it, eh. Sometimes, I just feel like doing some crazy stuff, just to forget the horrible realities of life. Well, I actually did some crazy stuff. Some I regret, some I store in my memory, just to bring them up whenever I need something to laugh at. haha. But basically, whenever I do anything crazy, it is as if I am in a trance. Stoned, dazed. And I just keep goin. Haha, I guess it's a good thing, to be a great sport, especially when hanging out. Attracting the company of others. Man, I don't ever want to be alone.
When I look at some really old photos, memories of way back then, it just feels so fucking surreal. Somehow, it gives me that feeling to commit suicide. Weird huh. I feel so fucking alone. Like, where has everyone gone to? Mama? Sure, some of my friends, we remain good friends till today. But, it just isn't the same, yknow. Family love. Sigh. A wise friend said it's time for me to find a new shell. I guess that's why, on a subconscious level, I have always been looking for someone, even though I always vow to stop. Heartbreak, after heartbreak, after heartbreak, after fucking heartbreak. Unwillingly putting myself through that shit. Haha. fuck, I'm being too dramatic. enough. shut up. :). But yeah, it made me so happy when I was with him. Life felt so fulfilling, secure. I felt invincible, like I could go through this life after all, and I could finally leave behind all those negative and suicidal thoughts. No matter what obstacles and barriers come at me, I could face them all, with renewed strength. Finally, someone I could share all my happiness with, and someone I would do anything for. That feeling like, someone I could finally curl up with, after a fucking exhausting journey through hell. I guess it's that state of mind that I was looking for. And it doesn't take just anyone to give me that state of mind. It takes that special someone. That can never happen with just anyone. obviously. Man, I miss him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I do. But yeah, it makes me happy just recalling how happy he made me. It's such a shame that it is no more. I miss you, hun. I don't fucking care about anything else. Throw away your insecurities. I shall be your superwoman, like how you were my superman. haha metaphors. But really, when you found someone so.... who just fits so well, would you let that person go easily? Let go without some sort of a fight? haha. so fucking dramatic. you so funny. Drama queen, baby. Man, I really need to get to my pc a.s.a.p. to get ahead on my work. I can't stay like this. shit, shit, shit. Anyways, back to what I was talking about, when you found that special person. How can you be so sure, that that person really is the one you have been looking for? I dunno about you, but I really felt something different with him. Which is what has been tearing me apart, sorta. (here I go again, with being over dramatic -_-). It just feels different with him, compared to the guys that I have been with. The kind of different that I like. It makes me sad, why things have to turn ugly like how it has now. Red flag? I dunno. Anyways, I don't want to write anymore about the negatives. I wanna keep writing about what makes me happy. Awyeah, self indulgence in writing. How he fucking made me happy yeah. I've run out of things to write. Hah. Maybe another time. Anyways, fucking before marriage, well it just fucks things up. Which is why I don't wanna do it. I want us to last. And I see how it fucks things up for other unmarried couples. Although there are a few exceptions. I can think of only one couple at the moment, though. They're already like a married couple anyways. I'm glad for my friends who are exempted from this. As for me, I don't wanna fucking risk it. Man, I miss you, mi corazon. I shall be here for you, if you need me. Talk about being clueless, eh. Blindly holding out for that one person. Hahaha. you so fucking funny. I'm glad for online comedy radios. Comedy 24/7. Just cheers me up, thank you!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thanks for the song, Sean
There's a reason why I completely delete all traces of all my exes. Sweet memories? Completely obliterated. Photos? All deleted. The things we shared? Aha, obviously they had to go as well. It's like we were never in each others' lives at all. Obviously there were still traces of the memories that we shared at first, but they would slowly wash away in time. Leaving behind all the emotional baggage (hopefully). Why, why such so heartless? It's not fucking heartless, it's the perpetrators who are fucking heartless. I am nothing but a mirror of your deeds. Just doing the best I can to ease my fucking pain. It was hell getting over each and every one of them. It was pretty hard at first, especially when I had to go to the places that we used to go to. Even with a friend by my side, couldn't help all the emotions that they evoke. Songs, and all the other shit that we shared. The ones that are hard to completely erase / avoid. But yeah, all of that is in the past. But I guess a bad thing about my method, is that it leaves me with a stone cold heart, even though I may have partly protected myself from the hurt and pain. All that is left is an empty shell, wandering through life's journey, confused and forever searching for something I can't quite put my finger on. No really, what good does it do for me, to open up my heart? Open up my heart and feel the beauty that love has to offer, only to have it all ripped away from me. To have felt, and... eventually forget? Or is it better to have never felt and remain static? I have been through both. Don't know which is worse. I'm feeling too stoned to ponder this anymore. I'm just too badly hurt after I've opened myself up to any possibility that anyone could offer. No, I mean, why let myself get hurt even more, when clearly his heart is somewhere else. He clearly said so, didn't he. What would you do? Anyways, I've been through this before, and I stopped everything before it could get worse.. especially for me. Sometimes I wonder, did I do the right thing? Or should I have stayed with someone who was still in love with another? That is also one of the reasons why I chose to close my heart off to anyone who could possibly rip it out. Look into my eyes, and you will see NOTHING. Well, I went back on my words recently, but then the course of events which has started to cause me pain, led me to doubting my novel choice of actions.
"Should I stay or should I go?" - The Clash
So my group of vampiric friends say that I should go. Well, I am definitely enlightened. I shall be keeping an open mind, in the meantime.
Your heart still lingers in the past, and yet, you got your foot in the present. Every time I start to fade away, you pull me back in. Why, is it because of your fear of being left alone? Let me get this straight: Your heart is stuck in the past, but you need a partner to keep you company. Vrai ou faux? Yes, no? Mm. Karma, I still have my fucking dues to pay. How much longerrrr? Until I can finally come back home from this wearisome journey and snuggle up to my darling.
Aw crap. My flu is starting up again. Been really ill lately, ugh. Stresses coming from all points. I'm glad I've fallen ill after the final year project is over. Otherwise, I'd hate to think what would become of us if it were otherwise. ggg.
"Should I stay or should I go?" - The Clash
So my group of vampiric friends say that I should go. Well, I am definitely enlightened. I shall be keeping an open mind, in the meantime.
Your heart still lingers in the past, and yet, you got your foot in the present. Every time I start to fade away, you pull me back in. Why, is it because of your fear of being left alone? Let me get this straight: Your heart is stuck in the past, but you need a partner to keep you company. Vrai ou faux? Yes, no? Mm. Karma, I still have my fucking dues to pay. How much longerrrr? Until I can finally come back home from this wearisome journey and snuggle up to my darling.
Aw crap. My flu is starting up again. Been really ill lately, ugh. Stresses coming from all points. I'm glad I've fallen ill after the final year project is over. Otherwise, I'd hate to think what would become of us if it were otherwise. ggg.
Monday, May 23, 2011
think positive.. yeah. right.
my friends, one by one they get their knights in shining armor. me, i go from one disaster after another. at times, i even become their wing(wo)man on their quest. so what now, really? where is my happily ever after.. aha.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Zen amidst the chaos
No matter how unhappy or flustered I may appear to be, I just love being busy. Amidst all that chaos, it gives me the opportunity to practice my skill of pushing aside all the fluff, and creating space to think straight for a solution. Something obvious, that gets hidden if you let all those petty chaos get in the way. Anyway, being busy leaves no room for the pointless, crazy voice inside my head yeah. Wondering what is he up to, and shit. I know I'm clingy, but I try not to show it :) I like it if a guy likes a clingy girl, and it if my guy's clingy too. Haha.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Wishes from one lonely person, to another.
No matter how empty life may feel sometimes, I'll always be here for you. I know you really miss having your mom in a huge part of your life, I will be here for you, to fill in that void. I will be here for you, to make your eyes shine with love and laughter again, shine like the beautiful stars in the sky. Little pinpricks spread across black velvet, I will paint you a beautiful picture, like the skies above that you love to gaze at.. all night long, I will hold you in my arms, if I could, I would, never let you go, until you fall asleep, off to a deep slumber. Sweet dreams and a soft kiss upon your cheeks, to sail you across the open seas, taking you far away from your sadness and fears. I will be here for you, even when your heart is breaking. I will wash away your loneliness, when everyone else seems distant, when you do not have a shoulder to cry on, nobody to open up to. I would hug you tightly, if I could. I will take your hands away, peel them from the things that you are holding on to. The things that keep hurting you. I will take your hands in mine, let my warmth flow into yours. I love you, please don't cry.
*
Words that I love to read for comfort, words I'd love to hear from another. As I'm writing it, I can't help but feel like it sounds like a wedding vow (for most of the part). Not that I'm big on weddings or anything. Geez. It's just so sad. This is just another note by a lonely person. I'm sad. Especially when I look at life as what it is currently. I don't know how to describe it with justice, but there's just that melancholy undertone whenever I look at life as a whole. It really won't matter, if I had you by my side. But if I have to do this alone, it will take time. It'll be a tough journey, but it can be done. But sometimes, I just wish I didn't have to do this alone. Sometimes, I wish we didn't have to hurt, when we can heal. Playing Bobby Darin's Somewhere Beyond the Sea makes me feel so much sadder.
Sure, I do take actions to secure a better life for myself, and hopefully my loved ones. I don't just sit here whining about shit. I do take steps forward, but sometimes, when I glance back, at the state that life is at, at the nostalgic memories of what used to be, it makes me sad.
I step upon the deck of the ship, ready to take me away, off to the new life that awaits me. My loved one(s) left behind, on land, separated by the flowing ebb of the sea. Sad eyes gazing back at them, a white handkerchief raised in goodbye, almost as if a flag of surrender, to the sorrows that have been haunting us. A salty breeze gently lifted the white fabric away, blown towards them. A token of my love. Forever yours to keep. Until I come back to you.
*
Damn, I think I could die if I keep listening to this song. If I had someone to share it with, I'd have his arms around me. Well, that's the beauty of sharing, of having someone to share it with. Someone who can appreciate it as much as you do. Love can be beautiful, an elixir that we're searching for. It is poison now. Well, it must not be love then. What is it, jealousy? Misunderstanding? Interfering baggage? Ha.
I can't keep doing this to myself. Always putting myself to sleep in a horrible state. Off to uneasy dreams, which stay with me sometime in my waking hours. :( I hate mind games. Enough, please..
*
Words that I love to read for comfort, words I'd love to hear from another. As I'm writing it, I can't help but feel like it sounds like a wedding vow (for most of the part). Not that I'm big on weddings or anything. Geez. It's just so sad. This is just another note by a lonely person. I'm sad. Especially when I look at life as what it is currently. I don't know how to describe it with justice, but there's just that melancholy undertone whenever I look at life as a whole. It really won't matter, if I had you by my side. But if I have to do this alone, it will take time. It'll be a tough journey, but it can be done. But sometimes, I just wish I didn't have to do this alone. Sometimes, I wish we didn't have to hurt, when we can heal. Playing Bobby Darin's Somewhere Beyond the Sea makes me feel so much sadder.
Sure, I do take actions to secure a better life for myself, and hopefully my loved ones. I don't just sit here whining about shit. I do take steps forward, but sometimes, when I glance back, at the state that life is at, at the nostalgic memories of what used to be, it makes me sad.
I step upon the deck of the ship, ready to take me away, off to the new life that awaits me. My loved one(s) left behind, on land, separated by the flowing ebb of the sea. Sad eyes gazing back at them, a white handkerchief raised in goodbye, almost as if a flag of surrender, to the sorrows that have been haunting us. A salty breeze gently lifted the white fabric away, blown towards them. A token of my love. Forever yours to keep. Until I come back to you.
*
Damn, I think I could die if I keep listening to this song. If I had someone to share it with, I'd have his arms around me. Well, that's the beauty of sharing, of having someone to share it with. Someone who can appreciate it as much as you do. Love can be beautiful, an elixir that we're searching for. It is poison now. Well, it must not be love then. What is it, jealousy? Misunderstanding? Interfering baggage? Ha.
I can't keep doing this to myself. Always putting myself to sleep in a horrible state. Off to uneasy dreams, which stay with me sometime in my waking hours. :( I hate mind games. Enough, please..
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