New Plan

My plan has become to work for the sake of collecting funds, while I improve my portfolio for my desired job during my free time.

Badly Need A Change

I see these people with nice lives. I want a nice life too. Change of environment, especially work. I want an enjoyable job, with fun and nice people. Not a workplace that I dread going to, with people that I dread facing. I have too much bad history with them. I can pinpoint where it all started and I wasn't even being a bad or toxic employee. But I couldn't leave for fear of being jobless or earning a lower salary. I was still a fresh graduate. Not anymore. Please pray for me that I find a better opportunity elsewhere soon..

It's been a while since I last posted here. I read my old posts, and it feels like they came from another person. That is super scary. But also very comforting in a sense that those old words comfort my current self. I have changed a lot on the inside, the state of my mental health. So much has happened these past few months. I stayed away from online interactions and kept my online activities to a bare minimum. And now I think I'm back. I might be gone again if I don't feel too good being connected, who knows.

Intro, lol.

At first I was Shock3d! because of the pace that I was required to work at. Now I'm less naive as I begin the journey of my professional career at the Basecamp. It gets tiring, but exciting when you look at the big picture. Going to be worth it in the long run, me thinks.

That Blinding Effect

Screw it. There's a reason why I never got a job in corporate in the first place. I hate that shit. It's like a brewing soup of human indecency. I get super annoyed when someone or any friends imply that I should be joining the corporate world and how much better it is, trying to make me feel regretful. I'm like, "Fuck you, man, I can't live like that with a conscience." All that life long hard work and wasted excess money wont be of much use when they die anyways. Rather than leaving behind works of art to inspire humanity. I'm talking about paintings, special effects, graphic designing, etc. I think whatever it is that they do in corporate will only inspire negativity in people, all those bullshit mind games and social politics that they play, and all for the sake of money. They're wasting their fucking time if their goal is to live a fulfilling life in the present and in the afterlife. Materialistic. Dust, I tell you, it will all turn to dust! Blinded by the pomp and glitter of this life, it is just a stage, which most of us forget, or fail to see.

Unappreciated

I've been feeling depressed that I'm not getting any headway in increasing my salary, they're not even giving bonuses. At all. Other people I know are getting raises. When I feel depressed, I create something, so that I'll feel good again. Because I've been learning so much in my free time, but they don't seem to appreciate my efforts. That's why I'm really pushing myself harder, to learn more, so that I finally can leave this bunch of unappreciative pricks, to a place where I can earn more for a living. Sigh, I'm not even anywhere close to my targeted salary, no matter how hard I work. I feel extremely unappreciated. Lately I've been broadening to freelancing. I was depressed, because at first these people were charging by the hour at a reasonable rate, but then they changed their mind to an amount that is TEN times less. Normally I'd just walk away and leave them stranded in the dirt, getting what they deserve for being STINGY. Perhaps I'll put in a couple of HARSH words to let them have a piece of my mind before I walk away. But no, I don't do any of that because it's my friend who asked for my help. It's just her seniors that I despise, for being super stingy and unappreciative with paying for the work that I'm going to be doing for them. I'm going to find out whether they're paying her well at work, and if they are, I'm going to put my feet down for a much higher payment for this project, since they don't have any trouble paying their in-house employees. But if they're not paying her well at work, then I'll convince her to leave those dirty bastards and get a better job. Unappreciative people deserve to be short staffed. Ha. I'm super pissed off right now. I have been for quite some time, but never let it out.

Anyways, bottom line is, I feel depressed with not making any progress with my earnings, even after 2 years. Nothing, nil, nada! I'm just being totally honest here, because I want to make myself feel as bad as possible, as shitty as possible, so that I'll be able to squeeze/force something miraculous out of myself. Self hatred, tough love, ha! And I'm thankful for the gym, for being a place where I can totally vent out my frustrations. Now it's only missing a punching bag. I wish they had one, perhaps I can suggest it to them.

Designers Would Know

Being a graphic designer requires you to be able to read your client's mind. This is why I don't choose to do it professionally. It takes the fun out of it.

The Idealist

Imagine what life is going to be like, if you're just going along with what you love, without worrying about the money that you're going to make. When you eliminate that worry, everything becomes enjoyable. Going through life for the love of it. Money becomes something in the background, because when you work for the love of it, I'm truly hoping that it will automatically reflect on the outcome. Which means that the more you love it, the better your work will be, and more people will want your piece of work. That's real happiness for me. Letting the love go around. 

Gah, I am such an idealist. Lol. I need to work hard at my job while I'm still young, energetic and got the passion. I don't want to be jaded like my seniors who have given up and left.

In This Industry

The prospect of getting paid loads to create beautiful things is what makes me eager to sleep early and get out of bed in the mornings. Anything other than that doesn't usually motivate me that much. Sadly, many people don't support this dream, even my seniors who have left this industry. They don't believe that u can get good income. Maybe their work just isn't good enough, and that's why they have to surrender? It's all the more motivation for me to create even more amazing work, work harder at it, build up my repertoire and portfolio. I don't believe those who told me no, because I've seen so many successful artists who get to work on big, amazing jobs. Those are the people that I want to be like, not those who have thrown in the towel and abandon this industry. Perhaps I should stop listening to them, enough of letting them influence my decisions. Enough of their no can do attitude. I'm going to keep chasing my dream, and why not, since I'm still young, I can afford to spend more time and energy on that.

Growing Fat And Unhappy

I'm not happy. I've been too busy. Even when I'm finally free, I'm too tired and not in the mood at all to go to the gym. I can feel the fats accumulating in my thighs and my arms slowly getting flabby again. I don't know why becoming fat makes me depressed, but it does affect me a considerable amount. These past few days I can admit that I've been feeling really demotivated to get up in the mornings and face the day. I guess exercising is really an integral part of me. Not only it helps me lose weight, but it helps to boost my mood. I really need to make time for my precious gym sessions. Screw what the other people will say about me, but I will clear up my schedule for gym. I need to feel uplifted again, no matter what those people will say to me. I can't go on living like this. I can feel my life slowly sliding out of control, and I'm not going to let it. From now on, weekday nights when I have no talks to attend to, I'll force it as my gym time. No more extra appointments. I'll not let anyone sway me and compromise my internal well being.

3D Album Artwork

I discovered this guy today, Tom Alex Buch. I think he has the most amazing job and his works are impressive too. He does 3D artwork for the music that he loves listening to. I'm currently following him at www.tomalexbuch.com and so can you. Check it out!

I guess my new goal is to create illustrative 3d graphics for the music that I love. If you think about it, that's my way of giving back to what has been keeping me afloat all my life - music. Lol. Well it's always been in my field of interest, music and awesome graphics. I would love to make a living out of this sometime in the future.

If You Have A Dream

Keep fighting for your dreams, because others, well a majority of them, will do anything to hold you back and bring you down. It's hard to find good, decent people, but when you do, hold on to them.

Those mean people are also my motivation to surpass myself at a greater pace. Because when I reach a level much higher than them, the satisfaction of their dumbstruck faces is priceless. Also I want to be one of those people who have worked hard, but still remain humble. I will not make fun of those below me and I will be their guide and protector against those people who think they can treat others like dirt just because they have better talents.

Keep fighting for your dreams!

Balancing Act

I love what I'm doing nowadays. Starting up a business for money and social skills purposes, and learning visual effects for my interest and hobby. Balancing those two important things in my life.

Left Out and Fighting On

I love this industry that I'm working in because of the work. What I absolutely detest is the people in it. A majority of them, really. Or maybe it's just the locals here, who are shitty people, plainly put. They are merciless mother fuckers. I always wonder why I'm getting the extra lousy treatment... is it because I'm a girl? That's why the girls in this industry need to stick together. I fucking hate those ass holes in the local industry. Sigh. Sacrifice so much to do what I love. It seems like they're really unwilling to let me in. They only treat guys nicely. Girls will be slammed. Fuck that, I have that fighting spirit in me. Bring it on, bitch!!!

Bothersome People

I think I need to learn as much as I can as fast as I can, because I think I'll be much happier just freelancing. Lately, I notice how much I'm bothered by the people that I work with, and the fact that I have to face them everyday. With freelancing, I'll just have to deal with my clients and hang out with the people that I choose. Less stress from worrying about socializing with people I don't like. Working in the office, you might end up with people who just add more stress to your life, and you can't do anything about it. If I'm freelancing, I can choose the people I want to be surrounded with. Minus the clients, but I don't have to hang around them all day long, every day.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm losing control over my emotional and mental health because of unavoidable people and it's damn tiring.

Biased

I don't know what their fucking problem is. I remember last time when I started working, some senior seemed pretty irritable when he had to show me the ways, since it's my first time. Eventually he was alright. But I really had to prove myself though. Anyways, I had to learn everything by myself after that - I didn't want to fucking ask from some people who don't seem too happy to teach me. And now that there are more people who are newbies, those seniors seem pretty happy and friendly to teach them their ways. I wonder what the fuck am I missing here. Is it because I'm a girl? Is it because of my race? I don't think I'll ever know, except I'll just have to be at my best and move on. Am I part of this biased treatment that many have talked about? I try to adapt to the human ways, but sometimes it makes me too fucking pissed off. Too pissed off, but for the sake of my mental and emotional health, I got to let go and possibly try to forgive.

Losers and Quitters

I hate it when people put pressure on me about work. For example, saying I'm not good enough, why aren't you progressing yet, etc. If I was weak, I would've given up a long time ago... Like my other peers who used to study or work in the creative industry, but have switched to business. I think of them as losers because they're the ones who quit and didn't hold on. They're also the ones who reprimand those of us who stayed on to fight, calling us fools for sticking around for little pay. You call me a fool, I call you a quitter! I'd rather hold on to reach the pinnacle of my dream job, than sell myself out for some business I don't give a fuck about, just for the sake of money. Sheeps chasing money. Puh-lease bitch!

Holding On To Something

At this point, what keeps me going? It's the satisfaction of seeing a job well done. I realize that worrying about other people, especially what they think of me, makes me miserable. So I should go on with what can make me happy. That need for a satisfying job pushes me to learn more. Makes me get better every time. It's a win-win situation if you look at it from a long term standpoint. Now I just gotta be careful not to put myself down because of other people.

Manipulative

Regarding people who socially manipulate others in order to climb the position ladder at work: I'd rather be a wise and learned person than a vapid, vacuous fool. We'll see who'll still be around after the years have passed. The fads always just come and go, like popstars.

Like Wow

My strategy at work is to lie low, so anyone wanting to start a conflict with me will just slide off like raindrops on a waterproof coat. I'll lie low and build myself up, wowing the crowd when the time comes. Peace.

I Love My Job

Just stressing how good it is to be back at work after the chaos and uncertainty last night. Back to the order that is my work and the workplace. I especially find rigging to be calming. Just figuring out the setup of things, it can be pretty therapeutic. If I have a choice, I'd love to work on rigging, non organic modeling and texturing. Nothing else. Those are the things that I love doing the most so far.