Thursday, April 28, 2011

Naive, foolish faith

when words lose their fucking sacred meaning..

I keep taking people's words to heart, and end up getting fucking hurt. I should learn to treat words, just as mere words. Especially words of my 'loved ones'. And no, I don't really mean stupid romance. Romance is trivial, romance is pathetic. Apathy, less empathy.  I still get burned, because I still have hope in humanity. I'm still hanging in there, because somehow I always seem to think that there might be something worth holding on for. But the longer I try to hold on to my faith in whatever stupid ideals that seem to be embedded in me, the more I end up getting hurt. I should let go of whatever naive faith that I still have in me. It's only fucking hurting me. Someday, I will be cold and completely 'heartless'. Untouched and unhurt. That sounds so empty. But I'm already empty inside now, am I not? Why not go all the way then? Haha.

Oh, and maybe I should go on with my original suicide plan. Haha. Is there really anything worth living for? Is there anything worth going through all this shit for? Sure, friends, family, loved ones. But the longer I try to fucking hold on, I find less reason to. Oh, and if I do get on with killing myself after we're done with this deadline.. I lost my fucking train of thought. So fucking tired. The shit that I go through to get them through with their stupid final year project with a bang. And yeah, I do feel greatly unappreciated, squeezed out to the core. While they're more relaxed, playing games and shit.. I'm here squeezing my brains out trying to give them the best that I could, getting stressed as fuck. They make me hate myself even more. Especially right now. But, I dunno. I just seem to not care about my future. Because it feels like it will come to an end after this. I dunno, I just fucking hate myself. I hate that I let myself get hurt and shit. I hate that I still have a faith so naive. I just.... want to fucking sleep. Or I will kill myself. Or hurt myself more. Now where's my razor blade?

I feel like a fool, going in circles. I want to cut this line, end this shitty cycle. It's stupid that I keep going in circles. I want to end it. One way or the other. I am tired of this pain. I used to be held back from actually committing suicide, because of the feeling of responsibility that I seem to have towards my 'loved ones'. But it dawned on me, that at the end of each and every day, I will only have myself to face, and not them. With them? Like what, rarely? I only have myself to face. Why not be done with it already? End this chaos!

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