Sunday, July 10, 2011

Mere existence

Whenever I smoke too much, and start feeling tired, worn out, and shit, I hear a voice telling me to slow it down.. and that it loves me too much, that I shouldn't be doing this to myself. It could just be my conscience. One that cares about myself, since nobody really gives that much of a thought towards me. I mean, of course, some people do care for me, but it's just that I feel so fucking lonely, you know, whenever I get to that point of tiredness, confusion, etc. Sometimes I feel like talking to someone, a lot. Just talk about anything.. like I did with my ex. I dunno, when it really boils down to my mere existence, I just feel really lonely. Alone. So alone. Writing that down makes me feel sad. :(. Don't think that all I think about is myself, I spent the whole day thinking of other stuff. It's just that I need to write these lonely thoughts down. So yeah, it makes out like I'm just too fucking self absorbed. I shouldn't be, I mustn't be. too self absorbed. I feel so lonely. Save me, caro mio. :(

Sometimes it feels like parts of me are dying, every time I feel like that. This is especially because it's mostly my fault. I drive people away. I do not open up easily, I do not open up too much. I must learn to accept people for who they are, let them in. Stop being so fucking picky, and get rid of this bullshit elitist mind set. Yeah, that mindset is full of bullshit.. and I myself despise it. I am aware now. and starting to pay the price for it. With my awareness, comes repentance, and the fight to become a better person on the inside. Oh caro mio. I love saying that in italian. :p

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