Saturday, July 23, 2011

Realization and Peace of Mind

Sometimes, I wonder, when I'm totally living in the adult world, maybe 10 years or so from now, I wonder if I would be the woman who comes home to an empty house, living alone, and wonder if I would be ocd-ing in the middle of the night? All alone.. The thought scares me. Will I come home to my house, all alone, and sleepless nights ocd-ing, probably to fill the emptiness, to distract me from my thoughts. The thought of going to my own house, all alone, it fucking scares me. A friend told me all about his sister, who's something like that, and when I really think of the possibility, it really scares me. I don't know, I guess I'm just really scared to be all alone, actually. I've always thought I was more of a lone wolf, kind of person. Like a miss independent. Now that I've really thought about the realities of actually being alone, I'm actually really scared. So I guess deep down, I just need someone in my life. I've just been kidding myself with all that 'tough' talk. I guess that is why I keep falling for someone, even though I constantly tried to talk myself out of needing and finding someone. So fact is, I shouldn't be trying so hard to force this out of myself. Probably just take things as they come along, try not to force things into or out of my life. Go with the flow, and loving everything as it is and everyone as they are. Man, what have I been doing all these years? At least, I have realized this now, better now than never. So yeah, I'm just praying that everything will work out for the best. I shall love the people that I have been loving, but just don't force anything. Let the sequence of events work themselves out. They always do, when they're not forced.

Oh, cool. I was watching Friends, and now I have a cool idea for a black light in the room. That would be groovy, and a lava lamp too. Lol. I've always wanted a lava lamp. And now, with an addition of the black light. Man, I just feel happy thinking about how I would want to decorate my own place in the future.

Oh God, one moment I was just so sad, scared, confused, angry, all those negative thoughts. And now, I've managed to talk myself into being happy again. I'm afraid of these constant mood shifts. Extreme mood shifts. I'm scared that this scares off the guys that I'm going out with. I feel sorry that they have to put up with this, if they're with me. I feel so sorry for him. But yeah, I still do love him, after all that intense outburst. I mean, it's so out of proportion. And I feel so bad that any guy I'm with has to put up with this. But I really do hope that underneath it all, he realizes I still mean those three words. No matter what. I don't use those words freely. I only say it because I mean it. Three 'sacred' words that I only use when deemed appropriate, only to those worthy to be bestowed with the honor (lol). Anyways, nobody should ever take me seriously when I'm raving mad. Even I don't take myself seriously, but I just needed to let it out, somehow. Sigh. At least, I don't think I've had these crazy outbursts in front of anyone.

One of these days, I'm gonna make trifle. MMM mmm. It looks good, and it should taste good. Sweet. And I'd really love to share that with someone. Deep down, I just love sharing the things I love in life.

Man, I really hope I didn't screw things up between us. Sigh. At least I've calmed down now. But at least I know, if he runs away after all this, I'll know that he's not right. Ah well, at least I've realized a lot tonight. And it has given me a peace of mind. Something that I've always needed.

Ps. I really need to control my extreme mood swings. I can't let it just happen, every time it comes. If I really do love the people that I say I do, I must try to control it more. I mean, come on, I don't wanna hurt them, or put the strain on them.. all because of me. I have let this destroy what I used to have in the past, and it pains me to keep letting it get to me. It hurts that I've hurt them. I need to learn to be more in control of this. I still have a long way to go. But yeah, I'm doing it for all the people that I care.

No comments:

Post a Comment