Sunday, September 4, 2011
Ne Me Quittes Pas
Ne Me Quittes Pas... Once upon a time, I used to be someone who felt as deep as this song. Now you see me, you're just looking at an empty shell. I do not weep like I did, my emotions do not run as deep as they used to. That was my first love. When I really did give in, and lost. Leaving me as I am today. I'm not sure how deep my emotions are, whenever I feel nowadays. But I know they aren't as intense as they used to be. Maybe, as time passes by, I will be able to commit myself and give my all once again. Why do I even feel sad at the fact that I can't feel as deeply as I used to. Disappointed that I have turned into the Tin Man. Maybe I do have the ability to feel deeply, maybe I am feeling this deeply towards that special someone I'm currently seeing.. I just don't know it, only time can tell.
But yeah, come to think of it, I do feel something for this guy. It's the most intense that I've felt.. I'm afraid of jumping in, again. Full immersion - diving in from the tips of my toes to the top of my head (tops of my heads, lol). So falucking scared. So scared how things would be if we were to be serious with each other, as in, letting the whole world know. I think we are pretty exclusive/serious with each other, just that it's not out in the open. Which is why, where we're at, we're just not rushing things and taking it one step at a time. It's like, making sure if we're really comfortable with each other, and it's absolutely real for sure.. But then, where will that lead to? I do not know. But we already are comfortable with each other, I don't want to mess things up, I don't want things to get messed up. Let's just see how it goes. But for the time being, I don't feel myself opening up for anyone else again, apart from him. We'll see. It's like, if there's another guy who comes along my way, I'd just feel too tired to start the whole shinding again. And that is how I feel every time another guy comes along nowadays, now that I'm currently seeing this special someone. Not even if the guy's absolutely cute, which does happen at work (I have two jobs btw), but I would just be amused by the whole shennanigan. It's just so much like watching someone going through a silly high school crush - such superficial attempts yet cute to watch/laugh at. I wouldn't open up to other people, well couldn't find it in my heart to do so, it just closes up yknow, after I give it to someone. But yeah, that's just me, once I use the L word, I really do stick to it, even if the whole world doesn't know it. Because it's just one of those words that I don't throw out freely. Which is why, if there's ever anyone who uses me after I have given them my word, there will be hell to pay. Ooh, such mean words. Wish I could find someone who is like that for me too. Hope that I am with someone like that.
Anyways, I need to buckle down to my work, lol. Overdramatic due to procrastination. But yeah, I may laugh at the slightest show of human affection or anything along those lines, but deep down I am just like those things that I laugh at. Ironic/in-denial? I'm just human. Probably an immature one, most of the time. Defense mechanism for rejection? Hell yes.