Is this what my life has come to? It's either extremely tiring with all the work, or it's extremely boring, depressing and lonely when the work is done. Either of the two extremes, it seems. Is this the route that my life is heading to? Seems like either way, I'll be a really lonely person, whether it's filled with work, or without work. It's just that work takes away the loneliness temporarily, but it'll be replaced with extreme tiredness and/or stress. Is this how my next 10-20 years will be like? :(
Man I haven't written in here in a long while. I guess it's good that I'm keeping myself occupied with work. But I have a feeling that I'm taking this the wrong way, and it'll blow up in my face eventually. And I'll be here to face all of this alone. It's just so fucking sad. No wonder I used to cut myself a lot back then. But I'm growing sick of cutting. It's good though, in a way. Plus, it seems so lame now that I look back on it. I just wish there would be more people who want to be in my life, not just the ones who are keen on running away from me. There must be something wrong with me. Just need companions to get through with this life. Maybe I'm pushing people away subconsciously, that is why I feel terribly alone. :( Wish I didn't have my period now, so I could pray to God, at least. Talking to Him takes away some of that loneliness. Love is a terrible thing not to have, if you have life. The 'gift' of life, without love, is really empty. In my mind, I'd rather die if I don't have anyone to love, or anyone who loves me - love on all levels. Man, what a whiny bitch. But yeah, once in a while, I do whine like it's nobody's business. Just getting this shit out of my system and I'm good to go :)
Just a little bit more whining..
I feel that if I had someone special in my life, all of this would be more bearable. The work, stress.. in fact, I would more than welcome it. It would also leave no room in my head to be paranoid about the other person. So I'll just be coming home to someone to love and not fight with.. at the end of the day. Getting strength to go through the next day, and in time strengthening our bond and trust. Whatever else is involved. I just want things to work out for the best. Utilise all that I have. Like they say in Project Runway, 'Make it work!'. Anyways, so yeah, I mustn't look at my life right now, as something that I must put my nose to the grindstone, just to block out any loneliness that might invade my thoughts. Just look at it as an experience where I'll try to grow my relationships with the people that I encounter in my work, and hopefully in the long run that would take away the burden of living for the work alone. We are all in this together, things would be so much more bearable if we work together, and not ostracize anybody or anything negative along that line :) God willing.